o Harai, o patudo gigante e mega belo da C., faz recusa de comida (como todos os patudos com dono deveriam fazer de pessoas que não conhecem de lado nenhum). mas a questão com o Harai é que ele faz recusa à séria e entre morrer à fome e aceitar comida de estranhos, venha a morte.
ele tem a primary - a C. - e uma secondary - a irmã dela - o que de facto não é bom. é preciso uma rede maior de apoio. mas os nossos animais são sempre um reflexo de nós. e a C. e eu somos muito parecidas e a pessoa que sou hoje ao ter um animal não cometeria esse erro. a pessoa que eu era há 14 anos atrás teria cometido esse erro.
a confiança para nós é hard won. conquista-se a pulso, ao longo do tempo, mesmo que gostemos logo muito das pessoas (and we got on like a house on fire). quando já se passou por muito nesta vida e pelas mãos de gente que não mereceu uma pinga do afecto que tivémos por elas, surgem mecanismos de defesa e couraçadas, todos muito elaborados. surge a recusa de comida *à séria* mesmo que implique a morte.
isto é tudo muito simples e muito óbvio: deixar pessoas random chegarem-se ao pé de nós e 'alimentarem-nos' pode significar o risco de sermos magoados *à séria*. pelo que: recusa.
mas a vida muda e nós mudamos. apercebemo-nos que nem todos são iguais e, acima de tudo, não queremos ser injustos e meter tudo no mesmo saco (ainda que alguns acabem por dar provas de que nunca deveriam ter saído do saco, mas isso diz mais sobre eles do que sobre nós).
pelo que, com cautelas, permitimos aproximações cuidadosas, baixamos defesas. conheci a C. o ano passado. fomo-nos vendo randomly e agora mais regularmente. o Harai já me reconhece ao fundo da rua e vem-me buscar (a Morgaine pelos vistos tenho de estar molhada do mar e de bikini e a rebolar na areia ... *no comments*).
ao longo dos últimos meses, reparei que o Harai observava a reacção da C. a mim quando chegava (damos sempre uns bons abraços. ela quer engarrafar e vender os meus abraços.). há 2 semanas ofereci-lhe comida pela primeira vez, como lhe competia ele olhou para a C. primeiro em busca de aprovação, quando ela lhe fez sinal, ele aceitou.
passeamos todos juntos, ele aceita que lhe leve a trela, e estamos a medir o temperamento um do outro. como está treinado, tenho feito um speed learning para aprender os comandos como a C. os faz para não o deixar baralhado. cada um tem os seus termos, e os compromissos são necessários em qualquer relação. isto não é «quero assim e acabou». respeito pelos outros é uma coisa linda. consistência e coerência. time and dedication. são necessários em todas as relações na vida.
porém, este domingo passado ele aceitou comida da minha mão sem olhar para a C. a perguntar. leia-se, este domingo o Harai decidiu que we were all family (a Filipa já era mais que família). depois de meses, de medir a entrega e a presença. de ver os cuidados em baixar defesas e really be there.
agora, compete-me a mim não o desapontar, senão shields fucking up (e com razão) e não se volta a entrar. compete-me a mim continuar a ser coerente e consistente e remain there. isto é do mais simples que há. chama-se confiança e quando se perde, é difícil voltar a tê-la. simple as.
este domingo, vi claramente os novos laços na minha vida e também vi claramente os laços que tenho de desfazer. a confiança depois de quebrada é difícil de recuperar, mais ainda quando as pessoas acham que isto é nos termos delas apenas e somente. não é. isto é óbvio para o Harai, mas escapa a algumas pessoas. isto diz tudo acerca do Harai e diz tudo acerca delas.
isto é uma alegoria, anda imensa poeira no ar e tenho decisões de fundo a tomar sobre mim, a minha vida, e algumas pessoas. tudo isto é complicado e mexe com muita coisa. i remain a work in progress.
2.6.15
26.5.15
on bridges
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." Bertrand Russell ... and then there are the ones you detonate with dynamite *bless us for knowing what is required*
going beyond one.self
"When we are in conflict we tend to make such sharp oppositions between ideas and attitudes and get caught and entangled in what seems to be a hopeless choice, but when the neurotic ambivalence is resolved one tends to move beyond sharp differences, sharply defined boundaries and begins to see the interaction between everything, the relation between everything.
(...)
I opposed subjective to objective, imagination to realism. I thought that having gone so deeply into my own feelings and dramas I could never again reach objectivity and knowledge of others. But now I know that any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others. If you intensify and complete your subjective emotions, visions, you see their relation to others’ emotions. It is not a question of choosing between them, one at the cost of another, but a matter of completion, of inclusion, an encompassing, unifying, and integrating which makes maturity."
Anaïs Nin
key phrase: "Any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others."
[distance.
absence of judgement.
contemplation of things as they are to make non-ego driven decisions.
understanding of one's limits/boundaries.
no mere re-actions to the actions and projections of others.
release.
acceptance of self and others.]
(...)
I opposed subjective to objective, imagination to realism. I thought that having gone so deeply into my own feelings and dramas I could never again reach objectivity and knowledge of others. But now I know that any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others. If you intensify and complete your subjective emotions, visions, you see their relation to others’ emotions. It is not a question of choosing between them, one at the cost of another, but a matter of completion, of inclusion, an encompassing, unifying, and integrating which makes maturity."
Anaïs Nin
key phrase: "Any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others."
[distance.
absence of judgement.
contemplation of things as they are to make non-ego driven decisions.
understanding of one's limits/boundaries.
no mere re-actions to the actions and projections of others.
release.
acceptance of self and others.]
uncharted waters
hardest thing this year: not giving in to my old behavior patterns.
i decided in january to seriously re-educate my.self in how i act and how i react. easier said than done. most days i just feel like slamming my head against a wall to be honest to just stop the inner dialog that says «fuck it and just do it like you always did». but i was that girl, i don't want to be that woman.
previously i'd just walk away without bating an eye lash. "nobody walks away like you do, it's freaking scary" i was once told when i was 24. i went on to turn leaving into a freaking work of art and encoded it into my cellular matrix. it kept me safe and it also destroyed every.thing in its wake.
so, i ran. and i kept running. until i went into therapy and sat in front my therapist on our very first appointment and she took in the full measure of me as she asked point blank: "will you stay?! will you see it through?! will you call before trying to kill your.self again?! we need a template of commitment to this. i will be here if you are here too." ... and i remember looking around the room and wanting to run. but i realized i needed to stop running. i would die. so i swallowed every.single. urge and i said "i will stay." and i did. for her. i stayed. i saw it through. for her. and then eventually for me.
but old habits die hard. and this year, a lot of habits have to be burnt to the fucking ground. so i decided i was done with certain things once and for all. sometimes i feel that most people don't realize, appreciate or understand the effort that goes into this decision. but that's ok, essentially, i'm doing this for my.self, no.body else.
but every fucking day i have to silence that little voice that says: do it like you always did .... but i was that girl, i so don't want to be that woman. and right now, it was write this or have a moment and act like i always did. this is a reminder to my.self of whom i so don't want to be any.more.
*deep breath* ... let me go get a lollie ...
i decided in january to seriously re-educate my.self in how i act and how i react. easier said than done. most days i just feel like slamming my head against a wall to be honest to just stop the inner dialog that says «fuck it and just do it like you always did». but i was that girl, i don't want to be that woman.
previously i'd just walk away without bating an eye lash. "nobody walks away like you do, it's freaking scary" i was once told when i was 24. i went on to turn leaving into a freaking work of art and encoded it into my cellular matrix. it kept me safe and it also destroyed every.thing in its wake.
so, i ran. and i kept running. until i went into therapy and sat in front my therapist on our very first appointment and she took in the full measure of me as she asked point blank: "will you stay?! will you see it through?! will you call before trying to kill your.self again?! we need a template of commitment to this. i will be here if you are here too." ... and i remember looking around the room and wanting to run. but i realized i needed to stop running. i would die. so i swallowed every.single. urge and i said "i will stay." and i did. for her. i stayed. i saw it through. for her. and then eventually for me.
but old habits die hard. and this year, a lot of habits have to be burnt to the fucking ground. so i decided i was done with certain things once and for all. sometimes i feel that most people don't realize, appreciate or understand the effort that goes into this decision. but that's ok, essentially, i'm doing this for my.self, no.body else.
but every fucking day i have to silence that little voice that says: do it like you always did .... but i was that girl, i so don't want to be that woman. and right now, it was write this or have a moment and act like i always did. this is a reminder to my.self of whom i so don't want to be any.more.
*deep breath* ... let me go get a lollie ...
5.5.15
on the sea, the desert and the Meroë pyramids
"The desert and the ocean are realms of desolation on the surface.
The desert is a place of bones, where the innards are turned out, to desiccate into dust.
The ocean is a place of skin, rich outer membranes hiding thick juicy insides, laden with the soup of being.
Inside out and outside in. These are worlds of things that implode or explode, and the only catalyst that determines the direction of eco-movement is the balance of water.
Both worlds are deceptive, dangerous. Both, seething with hidden life.
The only veil that stands between perception of what is underneath the desolate surface is your courage.
Dare to breach the surface and sink."
Vera Nazarian (The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration)
The desert is a place of bones, where the innards are turned out, to desiccate into dust.
The ocean is a place of skin, rich outer membranes hiding thick juicy insides, laden with the soup of being.
Inside out and outside in. These are worlds of things that implode or explode, and the only catalyst that determines the direction of eco-movement is the balance of water.
Both worlds are deceptive, dangerous. Both, seething with hidden life.
The only veil that stands between perception of what is underneath the desolate surface is your courage.
Dare to breach the surface and sink."
Vera Nazarian (The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration)
Please read: The Forgotten Pyramids of Meroë
on going off script and losses that are not losses
go.off.script! brokenness and all!!
"People learn their roles and have their scripts. They wear their masks and play their parts. And the show goes on. Until one day, someone decides to stop acting. They remove their mask, they go off-script, and they change what has always been done. The problem is the people still on the stage, those who are still content living in their denial; they don’t like it much when one of their costars decides to stop acting. It changes things. It brings to light what we are all trying to hide from: reality. But it is the actor, the one who has decided to stop acting, who will win the award. Because she will stop playing the part that was given to her, and she will start living and being the person she decides to be, brokenness and all."
(...)
"I found that I lost a lot of people in my life when I came out from the shadows. But I also gained people who loved me for who I was and who weren’t intimidated by the baggage I carried with me. Embracing reality is key to making life what we want it to be. I am hurt, broken, scarred, and bruised. But I am beautiful, and today is mine for the making. With every step I take, I become more of a person living in love, light, and truth."
"People learn their roles and have their scripts. They wear their masks and play their parts. And the show goes on. Until one day, someone decides to stop acting. They remove their mask, they go off-script, and they change what has always been done. The problem is the people still on the stage, those who are still content living in their denial; they don’t like it much when one of their costars decides to stop acting. It changes things. It brings to light what we are all trying to hide from: reality. But it is the actor, the one who has decided to stop acting, who will win the award. Because she will stop playing the part that was given to her, and she will start living and being the person she decides to be, brokenness and all."
(...)
"I found that I lost a lot of people in my life when I came out from the shadows. But I also gained people who loved me for who I was and who weren’t intimidated by the baggage I carried with me. Embracing reality is key to making life what we want it to be. I am hurt, broken, scarred, and bruised. But I am beautiful, and today is mine for the making. With every step I take, I become more of a person living in love, light, and truth."
Please read: REMOVING THE MASKS WE WEAR
everything
“The universe is not outside of you.
Look inside yourself…
Everything you want,
you already are.”
Rumi
[Ph: Herb Ritts, Fishnet Tabard: Jean-Paul Gaultier]
on not being for everybody
"I'm going to get a drink," I said. I wheeled around and headed to the bar. I wasn't worried about being rude. I was done. I felt it right there—the freedom of not caring whether this person who didn't know me had disdain for me.
(...)
I'm no longer dancing for the shadows. I'm just a shot of whiskey—not for everybody.And so I close the door. I write these words. I don't click (...) to see what people think. In the silence—in the absence of all those voices—here is where I discover who I am."
life lessons. hard won. truth is, not everybody likes us. we do not like everybody.
another truth is that some people who used to like us will stop liking us, especially when they don't get their way. this has been my most prevailing experience in the past 6 and a half years. or so i thought.
however, the sad truth is that i was primed from childhood to endure that kind of behavior and that is why it was so prevailing. but once "you know, no!" started coming out of my mouth, things improved exponentially ... for me that is.
i am no longer doing cartwheels for people who need to get over themselves and get a life. those people will probably say i stopped caring and/or i'm a bitch and that's ok, they can say whatever they want to get through another day where they are not responsible for their actions and others are to blame, because they are not doing what they want. i doubt they never analysed their behavior honestly. but that is not my problem. my problem is not to allow such dynamics in my life. and i don't anymore.
plus, i know who i am and what my motives are. ask me what happened and i will explain it. but most just want what they want when they want it.
i know exactly when things changed, when i hit my limit (or so i thought) towards the end of 2012, i felt trapped in a spin cycle that was not my own and for my the sake of my sanity i had to set personal boundaries. and i did and it was like a huge weight lifted off me.
people don't have to change, they can remain in dark places, spew out negativity and/or give up on them.selves and blame life. they can even try to control others because to them that's what they want in relationships. *but* they can't expect others to comply, to want to be in that register, deal with conversations in those tones every time, want less for them. they can't expect others to bow down to their whims. and if those are the only terms that they can engage they should consider getting help because they are in trouble. also, selfishness is wanting others to act as we wish. i did get help and that made me aware of toxicity and my stability has to be foremost. and it is.
if and when some people want to engage in a different register, one that involves emotional honesty, i am up for that (others burnt their bridges and we're past that). but nobody else sets the tone in my life other than my.self and others don't have to like my tone (it's not their life, so their liking it really isn't a requirement) but they have to deal with the fact that i'm not bothered if they like it or not. i don't like a lot of stuff they do, but it's their life so none of my business. i have stopped wanting more for others than they want for them.selves. another hard won lesson. but somehow many think there aren't 2 sets of rules. but the sad truth is that when you're primed for certain insecurities, some will quickly learn how to prey on those and hello different rules.
last january i had a hardcore stress test. 2 people decided to overstep their boundaries and i discovered that i have changed considerably and there is absolutely no room for certain behavior especially when i have seen it before. as much as i respect people's feelings, implying that they must take precedence over mine is the line that one really must not cross with me.
i remain a work in progress but undoing this massive knot stemming from my childhood has been one of the hardest but also one of the most freeing things in my life. i have made some strides recently. it has been a rough time since my birthday but i am starting to finish the foundations of this new dimension i'm in and there's a carelessness that i have never felt that feels like the warm sun and sea breeze on my body as i sit on the beach. it feels like peace ....
please read: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE INTERNET HATES YOU?
(...)
I'm no longer dancing for the shadows. I'm just a shot of whiskey—not for everybody.And so I close the door. I write these words. I don't click (...) to see what people think. In the silence—in the absence of all those voices—here is where I discover who I am."
life lessons. hard won. truth is, not everybody likes us. we do not like everybody.
another truth is that some people who used to like us will stop liking us, especially when they don't get their way. this has been my most prevailing experience in the past 6 and a half years. or so i thought.
however, the sad truth is that i was primed from childhood to endure that kind of behavior and that is why it was so prevailing. but once "you know, no!" started coming out of my mouth, things improved exponentially ... for me that is.
i am no longer doing cartwheels for people who need to get over themselves and get a life. those people will probably say i stopped caring and/or i'm a bitch and that's ok, they can say whatever they want to get through another day where they are not responsible for their actions and others are to blame, because they are not doing what they want. i doubt they never analysed their behavior honestly. but that is not my problem. my problem is not to allow such dynamics in my life. and i don't anymore.
plus, i know who i am and what my motives are. ask me what happened and i will explain it. but most just want what they want when they want it.
i know exactly when things changed, when i hit my limit (or so i thought) towards the end of 2012, i felt trapped in a spin cycle that was not my own and for my the sake of my sanity i had to set personal boundaries. and i did and it was like a huge weight lifted off me.
people don't have to change, they can remain in dark places, spew out negativity and/or give up on them.selves and blame life. they can even try to control others because to them that's what they want in relationships. *but* they can't expect others to comply, to want to be in that register, deal with conversations in those tones every time, want less for them. they can't expect others to bow down to their whims. and if those are the only terms that they can engage they should consider getting help because they are in trouble. also, selfishness is wanting others to act as we wish. i did get help and that made me aware of toxicity and my stability has to be foremost. and it is.
if and when some people want to engage in a different register, one that involves emotional honesty, i am up for that (others burnt their bridges and we're past that). but nobody else sets the tone in my life other than my.self and others don't have to like my tone (it's not their life, so their liking it really isn't a requirement) but they have to deal with the fact that i'm not bothered if they like it or not. i don't like a lot of stuff they do, but it's their life so none of my business. i have stopped wanting more for others than they want for them.selves. another hard won lesson. but somehow many think there aren't 2 sets of rules. but the sad truth is that when you're primed for certain insecurities, some will quickly learn how to prey on those and hello different rules.
last january i had a hardcore stress test. 2 people decided to overstep their boundaries and i discovered that i have changed considerably and there is absolutely no room for certain behavior especially when i have seen it before. as much as i respect people's feelings, implying that they must take precedence over mine is the line that one really must not cross with me.
i remain a work in progress but undoing this massive knot stemming from my childhood has been one of the hardest but also one of the most freeing things in my life. i have made some strides recently. it has been a rough time since my birthday but i am starting to finish the foundations of this new dimension i'm in and there's a carelessness that i have never felt that feels like the warm sun and sea breeze on my body as i sit on the beach. it feels like peace ....
please read: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE INTERNET HATES YOU?
14.4.15
on identity
“The most common form of despair is not being who you are.”
— Søren Kierkegaard
[photo: from the "Leather Vixen" editorial. model: Karlie Kloss, photo by: Greg Kadel, for Numéro #137 fyi: this is my all time favorite editorial with Karlie, shot #9 is my absolute favorite of the spread, but it might cause a tantrum over here. full editorial here NSFW: http://vintageleatherind.wordpress.com/…/leather-vixen-kar…/]
on killing the past ...
“Do you believe,” she went on, “that the past dies?”
“Yes,” […] “Yes, if the present cuts its throat.”
— Leonora Carrington (The Seventh Horse and Other Tales)
[image found on PostSecret]
on standing
"I love the way she survived. Survival looked good on her. There were no dark marks under her eyes maybe on the inside, but I liked the way she looked through them and laughed at life.
She did it gracefully. She'd walk over glass and through fire, but still smiled. And honestly, I'm not interested in people who haven't lived and died a few times. Who haven't yet had their heart ripped out, or know what it feels like to lose everything. I trust those people, because they stand for something. I know what she'd been through. I wanted to thank her for surviving. And I wanted her to know she now had someone willing to stand with her too." - J Raymond
Julie Rode
Jordan Lehn, ph: nastacia ellis for 'Devil Pray' on zivity
sometimes
sometimes i get really run down because it feels like i'm always recovering from or surviving something ...
then i get hit with a week like last week and whilst making coffee in the sun drenched kitchen just now i found my.self feeling that all too familiar and surreal moment of «i can't believe i made it through another full frontal hit»
but i did and not only that, i also managed to adjust some behaviors, break patterns, surprise my.self. and as i was reading that tumblr entry i posted previously, i realized how now and again i value so little two things - recovery and survival - which considering my past history are not a given, but rather are always something i have to work really hard at and are two of my greatest achievements.
i just had a moment of clarity in another way i stress my.self. point made. lesson learned.
then i get hit with a week like last week and whilst making coffee in the sun drenched kitchen just now i found my.self feeling that all too familiar and surreal moment of «i can't believe i made it through another full frontal hit»
but i did and not only that, i also managed to adjust some behaviors, break patterns, surprise my.self. and as i was reading that tumblr entry i posted previously, i realized how now and again i value so little two things - recovery and survival - which considering my past history are not a given, but rather are always something i have to work really hard at and are two of my greatest achievements.
i just had a moment of clarity in another way i stress my.self. point made. lesson learned.
unknown known loves
"There are known loves; there are things we know we love. We also know there are known unknown loves; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know that we love. But there are also unknown unknown loves -- the ones we don't know we don't know that we love."
24.3.15
no trade for lies
I'll wrap my hands around your neck so tight with love, love.
A thousand times I tempted fate.
A thousand times I played this game.
A thousand times that I have said today, today, today.
I've been up in the air, lost in the night.
I wouldn't trade an eye for your lies.
Your lust for my life.
Is this the end, hey?
[thanks Jared!]
A thousand times I tempted fate.
A thousand times I played this game.
A thousand times that I have said today, today, today.
I've been up in the air, lost in the night.
I wouldn't trade an eye for your lies.
Your lust for my life.
Is this the end, hey?
[thanks Jared!]
on the treasures deep within a dark forest
"I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses."
Friedrich Nietzsche”
[Rivi Madison by David Arran]
on the ocean and calmness
“If the ocean can calm itself, so can you. We are both salt water mixed with air.”
— Meditation, Nayyirah Waheed
— Meditation, Nayyirah Waheed
on facing oneself
"To experience conflicts knowingly, though it may be distressing, can be an invaluable asset. The more we face our own conflicts and seek out our own solutions, the more inner freedom and strength we will gain. Only when we are willing to bear the brunt can we approximate the ideal of being the captain of our ship. A spurious tranquillity rooted in inner dullness is anything but enviable. It is bound to make us weak and an easy prey to any kind of influence."
Karen Horney M.D., Our Inner Conflicts: A Constructive Theory of Neurosis (1945)
16.3.15
on conversation
"I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, life, anything, and everything."
[Goddess of Depression by Victor Nazarenko]
10.3.15
on sweetness
“I’m very interested in emotions like sweetness, which have no place in the pantheon of educated concerns, and yet are very important to me. Sweetness is the opposite of machismo, which is everywhere—and I really don’t get on with machismo. I’m interested in sensitivity, and weakness, and fear, and anxiety, because I think that, at the end of the day, behind our masks, that’s what we are.”
Alain de Botton
[Ph: Tim Walker obviously]
23.2.15
letting
pause.
peering back at the world
peering back at self.
pause.
the past week since my birthday came in some ways with a pause button and in others with a chaos button.
but i am finally reaching balance and pause and peering is slowly starting to be a possibility.
to pause.
to watch self and the world.
to listen to self and pay attention to patterns and discern clues about what is coming next in my life.
my energy therapist keeps stressing the importance of being in the now and of being in a state of love and firmly within the light.
my frequency therapist keeps stressing the importance of being in the now and of being in a state of love and firmly within the light.
so the only things (are they clues?! i think they are obvious facts that we lose sight of) i am sure of in this particular moment in my space-time continuum are:
- to be in the now.
- to listen.
- to look and pay attention to self and to those who matter (they will always reveal themselves to you).
- to love.
i made a decision last april and renewed my intentions last august.
and then i made another decision to embrace my.self and choose my.self first and foremost.
to work on balance before throwing myself in harm's way.
i chose to work on learning to be in the now.
to find my way back to meditation and deep listening.
to pay attention to a state of love.
to pay attention to my.self.
the journey has been hard ... the past week threw me for a headspin and yet at the same time people who know my inner core looked at me and did not see the chaos, they saw the serenity within, the commitment towards a journey to a different shore.
the difference: i see my.self in old ways. and they see the newness in me.
this just hit me in a flash (we.are.the.light.) and i suddenly realized how perspective (or lack thereof) is everything.
i can focus on my [old] chaos and assume i'm in the same place or i can celebrate all that i worked so hard to change within me and all that i *know* i have achieved since august.
i have been easing into a life in the now. learning to let go of a past that can no longer be changed and not worry about a future i cannot control.
i have listened to my.self more than i ever have in my entire life.
above all, i have respected that voice and that has kept me safe.
i have loved and been loved.
i have paid attention to the inner.most.light.
perhaps because this feels still such a remarkable feat for somebody like me who knows what it is to break and shatter into a million pieces that it takes me so long to acknowledge my own most exquisite and deepest, lasting changes.
this also happened when i was in therapy.
i was told i had changed and i only noticed it myself when it was an inescapable reality.
but this is also not remarkable at all.
this happened - and will happen always - because that is always possible when we allow/let things happen and embrace both the process and the journey.
not for others, but for our.selves!
saturday night i made a decision.
last night i made a decision.
today i made a decision.
i am letting.
it's all i can do.
more importantly, it is what i want to do.
i am not perfect.
my life is not perfect.
some things i can pull off brilliantly.
others not so much (i tend to not care about those to be honest).
i am my own absolute worst enemy.
and i just realized that i've had it with fighting my.self.
life is too short.
i know that, i am lucky to be here and i know that with each passing breath.
i want to be in the now.
i want to love.
i want to pay attention.
i want to keep in my mind's eye the newness of things, the moments of pause and respite, and the beauty surrounding and within me.
and it is plentiful.
i want to celebrate that, and - as unafraid as i was when i made the far reaching decisions i made last year and early this year - to continue to let go of all that drags me down.
there's a glorious beauty in that.
it is the beauty of the unbound self.
i remain a work in progress that is doing life in all its ups and downs, twists and turns.
and i think i need to remind my.self every day that there is so much that is possible.
but so much.
if i allow it.
if i let it.
it is one of the few things that is truly within our hands.
to do life.
peering back at the world
peering back at self.
pause.
the past week since my birthday came in some ways with a pause button and in others with a chaos button.
but i am finally reaching balance and pause and peering is slowly starting to be a possibility.
to pause.
to watch self and the world.
to listen to self and pay attention to patterns and discern clues about what is coming next in my life.
my energy therapist keeps stressing the importance of being in the now and of being in a state of love and firmly within the light.
my frequency therapist keeps stressing the importance of being in the now and of being in a state of love and firmly within the light.
so the only things (are they clues?! i think they are obvious facts that we lose sight of) i am sure of in this particular moment in my space-time continuum are:
- to be in the now.
- to listen.
- to look and pay attention to self and to those who matter (they will always reveal themselves to you).
- to love.
i made a decision last april and renewed my intentions last august.
and then i made another decision to embrace my.self and choose my.self first and foremost.
to work on balance before throwing myself in harm's way.
i chose to work on learning to be in the now.
to find my way back to meditation and deep listening.
to pay attention to a state of love.
to pay attention to my.self.
the journey has been hard ... the past week threw me for a headspin and yet at the same time people who know my inner core looked at me and did not see the chaos, they saw the serenity within, the commitment towards a journey to a different shore.
the difference: i see my.self in old ways. and they see the newness in me.
this just hit me in a flash (we.are.the.light.) and i suddenly realized how perspective (or lack thereof) is everything.
i can focus on my [old] chaos and assume i'm in the same place or i can celebrate all that i worked so hard to change within me and all that i *know* i have achieved since august.
i have been easing into a life in the now. learning to let go of a past that can no longer be changed and not worry about a future i cannot control.
i have listened to my.self more than i ever have in my entire life.
above all, i have respected that voice and that has kept me safe.
i have loved and been loved.
i have paid attention to the inner.most.light.
perhaps because this feels still such a remarkable feat for somebody like me who knows what it is to break and shatter into a million pieces that it takes me so long to acknowledge my own most exquisite and deepest, lasting changes.
this also happened when i was in therapy.
i was told i had changed and i only noticed it myself when it was an inescapable reality.
but this is also not remarkable at all.
this happened - and will happen always - because that is always possible when we allow/let things happen and embrace both the process and the journey.
not for others, but for our.selves!
saturday night i made a decision.
last night i made a decision.
today i made a decision.
i am letting.
it's all i can do.
more importantly, it is what i want to do.
i am not perfect.
my life is not perfect.
some things i can pull off brilliantly.
others not so much (i tend to not care about those to be honest).
i am my own absolute worst enemy.
and i just realized that i've had it with fighting my.self.
life is too short.
i know that, i am lucky to be here and i know that with each passing breath.
i want to be in the now.
i want to love.
i want to pay attention.
i want to keep in my mind's eye the newness of things, the moments of pause and respite, and the beauty surrounding and within me.
and it is plentiful.
i want to celebrate that, and - as unafraid as i was when i made the far reaching decisions i made last year and early this year - to continue to let go of all that drags me down.
there's a glorious beauty in that.
it is the beauty of the unbound self.
i remain a work in progress that is doing life in all its ups and downs, twists and turns.
and i think i need to remind my.self every day that there is so much that is possible.
but so much.
if i allow it.
if i let it.
it is one of the few things that is truly within our hands.
to do life.
18.2.15
a lesson in self awareness and presentation
this post is seemingly a life lesson of Tim's
this post is seemingly an in memoriam of Lee
this post is seemingly a tiny revelation of Lee's character
but ... you know?! no!!
this post is really something else about each and every one of us and how we conduct our.selves in life and before others both from the perspective of Tim's actions and Lee's reactions ...
"I learned a big lesson from this picture. I haven’t properly met Lee McQueen before and I always thought he had a dark, gothic personality. When you do a portrait, you spent a lot of time researching about that person trying to understand them without knowing them. And you think how can i get to the core of who they are and capture them? We worked with Andy Hilman, the set designer, and we came up with this cross-bone bow tie, and the skull we fitted it to Lee’s head. So basically the skull was supposed to be on his head and he was going to wear the bow tie. And he turned up and I told him what we wanted to do; and you know who you don’t want to force someone into a situation that isn’t comfortable for them because then it’s an irrelevant photograph, because it turns out to be more about you than them.
He tried the bow tie on and he said: “This is crap, I don’t like it. This is awful. I’m not wearing this”. He ripped the bow tie off, took the skull off his head, lit a cigarette and took another cigarette and stucked it in the skull’s mouth and said: “This is how I am, this is who I am.” I think when someone gives you something like that, they are meeting you and revealing something about themselves. This was the last picture taken of Lee and I know that he really liked it. There was the rebellious aspect cause he was a rebel. This picture became particularly significant because he died a week later after this picture. I think is hunts people because of that. Because of the motif of the skull and his youth and his arrogance and his performance and his rebellion."
-Tim Walker
on joy, movement and self
“—how enjoyable to be in motion within oneself.”
Søren Kierkegaard (Either/Or)
Søren Kierkegaard (Either/Or)
[Karlie Kloss, Chanel Coco Noir 2014; photography: Sølve Sundsbø]
Notice
"Notice What This Poem Is Not Doing"
The light along the hills in the morning
comes down slowly, naming the trees
white, then coasting the ground for stones to nominate.
Notice what this poem is not doing.
A house, a house, a barn, the old
quarry, where the river shrugs—
how much of this place is yours?
Notice what this poem is not doing.
Every person gone has taken a stone
to hold, and catch the sun. The carving
says, “Not here, but called away.”
Notice what this poem is not doing.
The sun, the earth, the sky, all wait.
The crowns and redbirds talk. The light
along the hills has come, has found you.
Notice what this poem has not done.
by William Stafford
The light along the hills in the morning
comes down slowly, naming the trees
white, then coasting the ground for stones to nominate.
Notice what this poem is not doing.
A house, a house, a barn, the old
quarry, where the river shrugs—
how much of this place is yours?
Notice what this poem is not doing.
Every person gone has taken a stone
to hold, and catch the sun. The carving
says, “Not here, but called away.”
Notice what this poem is not doing.
The sun, the earth, the sky, all wait.
The crowns and redbirds talk. The light
along the hills has come, has found you.
Notice what this poem has not done.
by William Stafford
[stills from 'Never Let Me Go']
not there
“You were not there for the beginning. You will not be there for the end. Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative.”
William S. Burroughs (Naked Lunch)
the extreme
“Love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.”
Iris Murdoch
11.2.15
Lee
5 years without Lee Alexander McQueen ... one stil gasps at the weight of the loss at his own hands (his.hands.) in the wake of a crushing depression ...
fashion designer does not suffice, i believe the term does not do justice to the enormous complexity of both his clothes as well as his shows ... and anybody who think he just did clothes fails to grasp the work which still today stands so far ahead of what is being done ...
last year when i thought i was going to crumble, disintegrate and shatter into a million pieces in august i turned again to Lee's body of work (and Daphne Guinness) ...
i worked through my own layers processing the layers in his shows (the chess board show was of paramount importance) and his constant commentary on feminine power and voice ...
i connected with a version of me that grew leaps and bounds in the wake of some his shows ... i fell in love again with the body of work and i *missed* him ... again and again ... i missed his voice, his talent, his genius ... and slowly, i found myself in a new playing field as the old one did not apply anymore and i kept and keep moving forward ...
seeing recently Tim Walker's next march editorial for Vogue celebrating McQueen's work was both elating and devastating ... the clothes and their commentary still current and undeniable, the artistry unique, the materials out of the box, all the things that made me instantly love his work when i first saw it ...
and then i remembered ... 5 years ... and i saw how much i changed during the first 5 years of therapy and felt so grateful that i pulled through ... it's not always possible and not guaranteed for life. the loss of potential and stories ... the world that is forever fractured ...
recovery is an ongoing affair for life! and there is reverence and love for those who did not pull through as we know how dark and terrible the battle can be! you are missed Lee ... your art did not fall!
5.2.15
time
“Time
drunk and damp,
everything burning,
everything wet,
everything fine.”
Charles Bukowski, from The Pleasures Of The Damned
freedom is ...
“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.”
Jean-Paul Sartre
[Ph: nyx by Enaston via Beautiful Bizarre Magazine]
on gazing and completeness
And for a while
our gazes alone
make us complete."
-Bernice Chauly, Onkalo
[Vogue Germany - August 2009 - Femme Fatale - Catherine McNeil]
2.1.15
on the essence of Xibalba
on ends and beginnings ... 2014 led me through a trial by fire and hard - but ultimately necessary and unavoidable - decisions meant i had to almost fight a war within myself. this was not new to me and the past 12 years spelled out to me that I could change myself (everything has a purpose. sometimes it's just preparing for battles to come).
as i journeyed on and embraced sound/frequency therapy i realized sound (ha!) held the key for a personal victory over my insecurities but even that realization brought me no comfort because I had no idea where this journey would - and will as it has only just begun - take me.
I slowly felt that things were falling into place - even as i watched the rest of my life being pulled asunder - and that the heavens are mindful and sometimes you get not what you want but rather what you really do need. as i found the fortitude to cut ties and not relapse and let toxicity in again i understood that i finally didn't give a flying fuck what others say or think when they clearly cannot read where i find myself or understand where i am coming from. my own voice and mind are enough as i know who i am and what i am doing. i don't need to be understood.
through the past few months as i began working on deconstructing the final tethers to old ways, i saw and felt that the cosmos *really* does listen and that to free our.selves and our.dreams we need to let go of any set beliefs in order to make room for the vastness of the possibilities within.
I allowed everything to become a lesson in itself and thus I have grown, evolved, changed and developed in ways which feel unfathomable and are immeasurable if i think back to where i was on this day a year ago.
but this journey does not happen in a vacuum. it has demanded relentless and tireless effort, diligence and work on my part. but the journey - especially the inner one - has been amazing. i met and got to know better amazing people whose self allowed for the better parts of me to manifest themselves more accurately.
as some people drifted in, others drifted out and some got bogged down in the periphery through their own entanglement due to personal issues, fear of/inability to change and incapacity to see others as they are and not as they want them to be (this is all somebody else's problem, not mine and being held back by other people's issues isn't an option) i saw how the universe aligns to manifest its intention for our lives and provides the meaning we need should we choose to listen or to shine a light. as much as switches can turn on the light that will illuminates us, we can remain in darkness if we don't choose to flick said switch. i have seen darkness and it always reminds me that i do not wish to lose my spark and my light so as i flicked the switch i could not turn back and that, as they say, is that.
I feel like i was beaten, battered, tested, used, challenged and pushed to the limit but i was also allowed to discover absolute joy, bliss, elation, thrills and allowed, ultimately, to be wonder- and awe-struck by the real blessings in my life that allowed me to overcome such dark times with grace, love, serenity, peace, understanding and empathy. this is because the cosmos conspired to put all that i really needed within my reach ... and i mean the amazing friends who decided to embrace the whole of me and stand by my side through the good, the bad and the ugly.
the upheaval of the past year and the magnitude of a single decision to cut ties with my parental units created its own momentum and dynamics which would, in turn, manifest and change all my relationships because it altered the way I view the world, people and relationships. radical perhaps for some, simple and effective for me, it has all become very simple for me in that area.
yesterday and today were somewhat bizarre, but i understand now that it was a funeral of sorts, a necessary mourning period to transition into something else as i can no longer go back - nor do i wish to do so!
I feel that in regards to my perception of what is - and not - possible everything is unambiguous for the first time in my life. I know what i have to do in what is most important to me - my soul and spirit - and it does not involve having things half attempted or partially resolved anymore.
i felt yesterday as if i had been put through the ringer in 2014, but in a strange way everything and more came full circle and it was necessary for me to set my.self free at last.
I know that some will continue to try to break and pull me down. it doesn't even register. I've had worse and i survived and somehow i find myself closer to my own light within than i have ever been even if i have to allow myself to descend into sorrow to find it like i allowed myself today in order to move on. simple.as. period.point.blank.
the journey shall continue, where to i have no idea but that's fine by me ...
[Eurydice One by menton3 ... aka do.not.look.back.]
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