uncharted waters

hardest thing this year: not giving in to my old behavior patterns.

i decided in january to seriously re-educate my.self in how i act and how i react. easier said than done. most days i just feel like slamming my head against a wall to be honest to just stop the inner dialog that says «fuck it and just do it like you always did». but i was that girl, i don't want to be that woman.

previously i'd just walk away without bating an eye lash. "nobody walks away like you do, it's freaking scary" i was once told when i was 24. i went on to turn leaving into a freaking work of art and encoded it into my cellular matrix. it kept me safe and it also destroyed every.thing in its wake.

so, i ran. and i kept running. until i went into therapy and sat in front my therapist on our very first appointment and she took in the full measure of me as she asked point blank: "will you stay?! will you see it through?! will you call before trying to kill your.self again?! we need a template of commitment to this. i will be here if you are here too." ... and i remember looking around the room and wanting to run. but i realized i needed to stop running. i would die. so i swallowed every.single. urge and i said "i will stay." and i did. for her. i stayed. i saw it through. for her. and then eventually for me.

but old habits die hard. and this year, a lot of habits have to be burnt to the fucking ground. so i decided i was done with certain things once and for all. sometimes i feel that most people don't realize, appreciate or understand the effort that goes into this decision. but that's ok, essentially, i'm doing this for my.self, no.body else.

but every fucking day i have to silence that little voice that says: do it like you always did .... but i was that girl, i so don't want to be that woman. and right now, it was write this or have a moment and act like i always did. this is a reminder to my.self of whom i so don't want to be any.more.

*deep breath* ... let me go get a lollie ...