24.2.16
2.6.15
alegorias de vida
o Harai, o patudo gigante e mega belo da C., faz recusa de comida (como todos os patudos com dono deveriam fazer de pessoas que não conhecem de lado nenhum). mas a questão com o Harai é que ele faz recusa à séria e entre morrer à fome e aceitar comida de estranhos, venha a morte.
ele tem a primary - a C. - e uma secondary - a irmã dela - o que de facto não é bom. é preciso uma rede maior de apoio. mas os nossos animais são sempre um reflexo de nós. e a C. e eu somos muito parecidas e a pessoa que sou hoje ao ter um animal não cometeria esse erro. a pessoa que eu era há 14 anos atrás teria cometido esse erro.
a confiança para nós é hard won. conquista-se a pulso, ao longo do tempo, mesmo que gostemos logo muito das pessoas (and we got on like a house on fire). quando já se passou por muito nesta vida e pelas mãos de gente que não mereceu uma pinga do afecto que tivémos por elas, surgem mecanismos de defesa e couraçadas, todos muito elaborados. surge a recusa de comida *à séria* mesmo que implique a morte.
isto é tudo muito simples e muito óbvio: deixar pessoas random chegarem-se ao pé de nós e 'alimentarem-nos' pode significar o risco de sermos magoados *à séria*. pelo que: recusa.
mas a vida muda e nós mudamos. apercebemo-nos que nem todos são iguais e, acima de tudo, não queremos ser injustos e meter tudo no mesmo saco (ainda que alguns acabem por dar provas de que nunca deveriam ter saído do saco, mas isso diz mais sobre eles do que sobre nós).
pelo que, com cautelas, permitimos aproximações cuidadosas, baixamos defesas. conheci a C. o ano passado. fomo-nos vendo randomly e agora mais regularmente. o Harai já me reconhece ao fundo da rua e vem-me buscar (a Morgaine pelos vistos tenho de estar molhada do mar e de bikini e a rebolar na areia ... *no comments*).
ao longo dos últimos meses, reparei que o Harai observava a reacção da C. a mim quando chegava (damos sempre uns bons abraços. ela quer engarrafar e vender os meus abraços.). há 2 semanas ofereci-lhe comida pela primeira vez, como lhe competia ele olhou para a C. primeiro em busca de aprovação, quando ela lhe fez sinal, ele aceitou.
passeamos todos juntos, ele aceita que lhe leve a trela, e estamos a medir o temperamento um do outro. como está treinado, tenho feito um speed learning para aprender os comandos como a C. os faz para não o deixar baralhado. cada um tem os seus termos, e os compromissos são necessários em qualquer relação. isto não é «quero assim e acabou». respeito pelos outros é uma coisa linda. consistência e coerência. time and dedication. são necessários em todas as relações na vida.
porém, este domingo passado ele aceitou comida da minha mão sem olhar para a C. a perguntar. leia-se, este domingo o Harai decidiu que we were all family (a Filipa já era mais que família). depois de meses, de medir a entrega e a presença. de ver os cuidados em baixar defesas e really be there.
agora, compete-me a mim não o desapontar, senão shields fucking up (e com razão) e não se volta a entrar. compete-me a mim continuar a ser coerente e consistente e remain there. isto é do mais simples que há. chama-se confiança e quando se perde, é difícil voltar a tê-la. simple as.
este domingo, vi claramente os novos laços na minha vida e também vi claramente os laços que tenho de desfazer. a confiança depois de quebrada é difícil de recuperar, mais ainda quando as pessoas acham que isto é nos termos delas apenas e somente. não é. isto é óbvio para o Harai, mas escapa a algumas pessoas. isto diz tudo acerca do Harai e diz tudo acerca delas.
isto é uma alegoria, anda imensa poeira no ar e tenho decisões de fundo a tomar sobre mim, a minha vida, e algumas pessoas. tudo isto é complicado e mexe com muita coisa. i remain a work in progress.
ele tem a primary - a C. - e uma secondary - a irmã dela - o que de facto não é bom. é preciso uma rede maior de apoio. mas os nossos animais são sempre um reflexo de nós. e a C. e eu somos muito parecidas e a pessoa que sou hoje ao ter um animal não cometeria esse erro. a pessoa que eu era há 14 anos atrás teria cometido esse erro.
a confiança para nós é hard won. conquista-se a pulso, ao longo do tempo, mesmo que gostemos logo muito das pessoas (and we got on like a house on fire). quando já se passou por muito nesta vida e pelas mãos de gente que não mereceu uma pinga do afecto que tivémos por elas, surgem mecanismos de defesa e couraçadas, todos muito elaborados. surge a recusa de comida *à séria* mesmo que implique a morte.
isto é tudo muito simples e muito óbvio: deixar pessoas random chegarem-se ao pé de nós e 'alimentarem-nos' pode significar o risco de sermos magoados *à séria*. pelo que: recusa.
mas a vida muda e nós mudamos. apercebemo-nos que nem todos são iguais e, acima de tudo, não queremos ser injustos e meter tudo no mesmo saco (ainda que alguns acabem por dar provas de que nunca deveriam ter saído do saco, mas isso diz mais sobre eles do que sobre nós).
pelo que, com cautelas, permitimos aproximações cuidadosas, baixamos defesas. conheci a C. o ano passado. fomo-nos vendo randomly e agora mais regularmente. o Harai já me reconhece ao fundo da rua e vem-me buscar (a Morgaine pelos vistos tenho de estar molhada do mar e de bikini e a rebolar na areia ... *no comments*).
ao longo dos últimos meses, reparei que o Harai observava a reacção da C. a mim quando chegava (damos sempre uns bons abraços. ela quer engarrafar e vender os meus abraços.). há 2 semanas ofereci-lhe comida pela primeira vez, como lhe competia ele olhou para a C. primeiro em busca de aprovação, quando ela lhe fez sinal, ele aceitou.
passeamos todos juntos, ele aceita que lhe leve a trela, e estamos a medir o temperamento um do outro. como está treinado, tenho feito um speed learning para aprender os comandos como a C. os faz para não o deixar baralhado. cada um tem os seus termos, e os compromissos são necessários em qualquer relação. isto não é «quero assim e acabou». respeito pelos outros é uma coisa linda. consistência e coerência. time and dedication. são necessários em todas as relações na vida.
porém, este domingo passado ele aceitou comida da minha mão sem olhar para a C. a perguntar. leia-se, este domingo o Harai decidiu que we were all family (a Filipa já era mais que família). depois de meses, de medir a entrega e a presença. de ver os cuidados em baixar defesas e really be there.
agora, compete-me a mim não o desapontar, senão shields fucking up (e com razão) e não se volta a entrar. compete-me a mim continuar a ser coerente e consistente e remain there. isto é do mais simples que há. chama-se confiança e quando se perde, é difícil voltar a tê-la. simple as.
este domingo, vi claramente os novos laços na minha vida e também vi claramente os laços que tenho de desfazer. a confiança depois de quebrada é difícil de recuperar, mais ainda quando as pessoas acham que isto é nos termos delas apenas e somente. não é. isto é óbvio para o Harai, mas escapa a algumas pessoas. isto diz tudo acerca do Harai e diz tudo acerca delas.
isto é uma alegoria, anda imensa poeira no ar e tenho decisões de fundo a tomar sobre mim, a minha vida, e algumas pessoas. tudo isto é complicado e mexe com muita coisa. i remain a work in progress.
26.5.15
on bridges
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." Bertrand Russell ... and then there are the ones you detonate with dynamite *bless us for knowing what is required*
going beyond one.self
"When we are in conflict we tend to make such sharp oppositions between ideas and attitudes and get caught and entangled in what seems to be a hopeless choice, but when the neurotic ambivalence is resolved one tends to move beyond sharp differences, sharply defined boundaries and begins to see the interaction between everything, the relation between everything.
(...)
I opposed subjective to objective, imagination to realism. I thought that having gone so deeply into my own feelings and dramas I could never again reach objectivity and knowledge of others. But now I know that any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others. If you intensify and complete your subjective emotions, visions, you see their relation to others’ emotions. It is not a question of choosing between them, one at the cost of another, but a matter of completion, of inclusion, an encompassing, unifying, and integrating which makes maturity."
Anaïs Nin
key phrase: "Any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others."
[distance.
absence of judgement.
contemplation of things as they are to make non-ego driven decisions.
understanding of one's limits/boundaries.
no mere re-actions to the actions and projections of others.
release.
acceptance of self and others.]
(...)
I opposed subjective to objective, imagination to realism. I thought that having gone so deeply into my own feelings and dramas I could never again reach objectivity and knowledge of others. But now I know that any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others. If you intensify and complete your subjective emotions, visions, you see their relation to others’ emotions. It is not a question of choosing between them, one at the cost of another, but a matter of completion, of inclusion, an encompassing, unifying, and integrating which makes maturity."
Anaïs Nin
key phrase: "Any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others."
[distance.
absence of judgement.
contemplation of things as they are to make non-ego driven decisions.
understanding of one's limits/boundaries.
no mere re-actions to the actions and projections of others.
release.
acceptance of self and others.]
uncharted waters
hardest thing this year: not giving in to my old behavior patterns.
i decided in january to seriously re-educate my.self in how i act and how i react. easier said than done. most days i just feel like slamming my head against a wall to be honest to just stop the inner dialog that says «fuck it and just do it like you always did». but i was that girl, i don't want to be that woman.
previously i'd just walk away without bating an eye lash. "nobody walks away like you do, it's freaking scary" i was once told when i was 24. i went on to turn leaving into a freaking work of art and encoded it into my cellular matrix. it kept me safe and it also destroyed every.thing in its wake.
so, i ran. and i kept running. until i went into therapy and sat in front my therapist on our very first appointment and she took in the full measure of me as she asked point blank: "will you stay?! will you see it through?! will you call before trying to kill your.self again?! we need a template of commitment to this. i will be here if you are here too." ... and i remember looking around the room and wanting to run. but i realized i needed to stop running. i would die. so i swallowed every.single. urge and i said "i will stay." and i did. for her. i stayed. i saw it through. for her. and then eventually for me.
but old habits die hard. and this year, a lot of habits have to be burnt to the fucking ground. so i decided i was done with certain things once and for all. sometimes i feel that most people don't realize, appreciate or understand the effort that goes into this decision. but that's ok, essentially, i'm doing this for my.self, no.body else.
but every fucking day i have to silence that little voice that says: do it like you always did .... but i was that girl, i so don't want to be that woman. and right now, it was write this or have a moment and act like i always did. this is a reminder to my.self of whom i so don't want to be any.more.
*deep breath* ... let me go get a lollie ...
i decided in january to seriously re-educate my.self in how i act and how i react. easier said than done. most days i just feel like slamming my head against a wall to be honest to just stop the inner dialog that says «fuck it and just do it like you always did». but i was that girl, i don't want to be that woman.
previously i'd just walk away without bating an eye lash. "nobody walks away like you do, it's freaking scary" i was once told when i was 24. i went on to turn leaving into a freaking work of art and encoded it into my cellular matrix. it kept me safe and it also destroyed every.thing in its wake.
so, i ran. and i kept running. until i went into therapy and sat in front my therapist on our very first appointment and she took in the full measure of me as she asked point blank: "will you stay?! will you see it through?! will you call before trying to kill your.self again?! we need a template of commitment to this. i will be here if you are here too." ... and i remember looking around the room and wanting to run. but i realized i needed to stop running. i would die. so i swallowed every.single. urge and i said "i will stay." and i did. for her. i stayed. i saw it through. for her. and then eventually for me.
but old habits die hard. and this year, a lot of habits have to be burnt to the fucking ground. so i decided i was done with certain things once and for all. sometimes i feel that most people don't realize, appreciate or understand the effort that goes into this decision. but that's ok, essentially, i'm doing this for my.self, no.body else.
but every fucking day i have to silence that little voice that says: do it like you always did .... but i was that girl, i so don't want to be that woman. and right now, it was write this or have a moment and act like i always did. this is a reminder to my.self of whom i so don't want to be any.more.
*deep breath* ... let me go get a lollie ...
5.5.15
on the sea, the desert and the Meroë pyramids
"The desert and the ocean are realms of desolation on the surface.
The desert is a place of bones, where the innards are turned out, to desiccate into dust.
The ocean is a place of skin, rich outer membranes hiding thick juicy insides, laden with the soup of being.
Inside out and outside in. These are worlds of things that implode or explode, and the only catalyst that determines the direction of eco-movement is the balance of water.
Both worlds are deceptive, dangerous. Both, seething with hidden life.
The only veil that stands between perception of what is underneath the desolate surface is your courage.
Dare to breach the surface and sink."
Vera Nazarian (The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration)
The desert is a place of bones, where the innards are turned out, to desiccate into dust.
The ocean is a place of skin, rich outer membranes hiding thick juicy insides, laden with the soup of being.
Inside out and outside in. These are worlds of things that implode or explode, and the only catalyst that determines the direction of eco-movement is the balance of water.
Both worlds are deceptive, dangerous. Both, seething with hidden life.
The only veil that stands between perception of what is underneath the desolate surface is your courage.
Dare to breach the surface and sink."
Vera Nazarian (The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration)
Please read: The Forgotten Pyramids of Meroë
on going off script and losses that are not losses
go.off.script! brokenness and all!!
"People learn their roles and have their scripts. They wear their masks and play their parts. And the show goes on. Until one day, someone decides to stop acting. They remove their mask, they go off-script, and they change what has always been done. The problem is the people still on the stage, those who are still content living in their denial; they don’t like it much when one of their costars decides to stop acting. It changes things. It brings to light what we are all trying to hide from: reality. But it is the actor, the one who has decided to stop acting, who will win the award. Because she will stop playing the part that was given to her, and she will start living and being the person she decides to be, brokenness and all."
(...)
"I found that I lost a lot of people in my life when I came out from the shadows. But I also gained people who loved me for who I was and who weren’t intimidated by the baggage I carried with me. Embracing reality is key to making life what we want it to be. I am hurt, broken, scarred, and bruised. But I am beautiful, and today is mine for the making. With every step I take, I become more of a person living in love, light, and truth."
"People learn their roles and have their scripts. They wear their masks and play their parts. And the show goes on. Until one day, someone decides to stop acting. They remove their mask, they go off-script, and they change what has always been done. The problem is the people still on the stage, those who are still content living in their denial; they don’t like it much when one of their costars decides to stop acting. It changes things. It brings to light what we are all trying to hide from: reality. But it is the actor, the one who has decided to stop acting, who will win the award. Because she will stop playing the part that was given to her, and she will start living and being the person she decides to be, brokenness and all."
(...)
"I found that I lost a lot of people in my life when I came out from the shadows. But I also gained people who loved me for who I was and who weren’t intimidated by the baggage I carried with me. Embracing reality is key to making life what we want it to be. I am hurt, broken, scarred, and bruised. But I am beautiful, and today is mine for the making. With every step I take, I become more of a person living in love, light, and truth."
Please read: REMOVING THE MASKS WE WEAR
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