"Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we'll ever do."Brené Brown
after a profound depression spanning well over 20 years, 3 suicide attempts, years of eating disorders, 6 years of psychotherapy, discharge of therapy a little over 4 years ago, some other not so good stuff, some other so so stuff, some other good stuff, some other really fab stuff. the story that i began finally owning up to after i began therapy is intricate and layered. owning it all made me stronger than i ever thought i could be. *step into the light*
30.4.13
«Daughter» by Nicole Blackman
“one day i'll give birth to a tiny baby girl
and when she's born she'll scream and i'll make sure she never stops.
i will kiss her before i lay her down
and will tell her a story so she knows how it is and how it must be for her to survive.
i'll tell her about the power of water, the seduction of paper
the promise of gasoline, and the hope of blood.
i'll teach her to shave her eyebrows and mark her skin.
i'll teach her that her body is her greatest work of art.
i'll tell her to light things on fire and keep them burning.
i'll teach her that the fire will not consume her,that she must take it and use it.
i'll tell her to be tri-sexual, to try anything, to sleep with, fight with, pray with anyone,
just as long as she feels something.
i'll help her to do her best work when it rains.
i'll tell her to reinvent herself every 28 days.
i'll teach her to develop all her selves
the courageous ones, the smart ones, the dreaming ones, the fast ones
i'll teach her that she has an army inside her that can save her life.
i'll tell her to say FUCK like people say THE
and when people are shocked to ask them why they so fear a small quartet of letters.
i'll make sure she carries a pen so she can take down the evidence.
if she has no paper, i'll teach her to write everything down on her tongue,
to write it on her thighs.
i'll help her see that she will not find God
or salvation in a dark brick building built by dead men.
i'll explain to her it's better to regret the things she has done than the things she hasn't.
i'll teach her to write her manifestos on cocktail napkins.
i'll say she should make men lick her enterprise.
i'll teach her to talk hard. i'll tell her that her skin is the most beautiful dress she will ever wear.
i'll tell her that people must earn the right to use her nickname,
that forced intimacy is an ugly thing.
i'll make her understand that she is worth more with her clothes on.
i'll tell her that when the words finally flow too fast and she has no use for a pen
that she must quit her job, run out of the house in her bathrobe, leaving the door open.
i'll teach her to follow the words.
i'll tell her to stand up and head for the door after she makes love.
when he asks her to stay she'll say she's got to go.
i'll tell her that when she first bleeds when she is a woman,
to go up to the roof at midnight, reach her hands up to the sky and scream.
i'll teach her to be whole, to be holy,
to be so much that she doesn't even need me anymore.
i'll tell her to go quickly and never come back.
i will make her stronger than me.
i'll say to her never forget what they did to you
and never let them know you remember.
i'll say to her never forget what they did to you
and never let them know you remember.
i'll say to her never forget what they did to you
and when she's born she'll scream and i'll make sure she never stops.
i will kiss her before i lay her down
and will tell her a story so she knows how it is and how it must be for her to survive.
i'll tell her about the power of water, the seduction of paper
the promise of gasoline, and the hope of blood.
i'll teach her to shave her eyebrows and mark her skin.
i'll teach her that her body is her greatest work of art.
i'll tell her to light things on fire and keep them burning.
i'll teach her that the fire will not consume her,that she must take it and use it.
i'll tell her to be tri-sexual, to try anything, to sleep with, fight with, pray with anyone,
just as long as she feels something.
i'll help her to do her best work when it rains.
i'll tell her to reinvent herself every 28 days.
i'll teach her to develop all her selves
the courageous ones, the smart ones, the dreaming ones, the fast ones
i'll teach her that she has an army inside her that can save her life.
i'll tell her to say FUCK like people say THE
and when people are shocked to ask them why they so fear a small quartet of letters.
i'll make sure she carries a pen so she can take down the evidence.
if she has no paper, i'll teach her to write everything down on her tongue,
to write it on her thighs.
i'll help her see that she will not find God
or salvation in a dark brick building built by dead men.
i'll explain to her it's better to regret the things she has done than the things she hasn't.
i'll teach her to write her manifestos on cocktail napkins.
i'll say she should make men lick her enterprise.
i'll teach her to talk hard. i'll tell her that her skin is the most beautiful dress she will ever wear.
i'll tell her that people must earn the right to use her nickname,
that forced intimacy is an ugly thing.
i'll make her understand that she is worth more with her clothes on.
i'll tell her that when the words finally flow too fast and she has no use for a pen
that she must quit her job, run out of the house in her bathrobe, leaving the door open.
i'll teach her to follow the words.
i'll tell her to stand up and head for the door after she makes love.
when he asks her to stay she'll say she's got to go.
i'll tell her that when she first bleeds when she is a woman,
to go up to the roof at midnight, reach her hands up to the sky and scream.
i'll teach her to be whole, to be holy,
to be so much that she doesn't even need me anymore.
i'll tell her to go quickly and never come back.
i will make her stronger than me.
i'll say to her never forget what they did to you
and never let them know you remember.
i'll say to her never forget what they did to you
and never let them know you remember.
i'll say to her never forget what they did to you
and never let them know you remember.”
Nicole Blackman, Daughter
28.4.13
"expiration date"
it's easy to be happy when everything is picture perfect ... most decide that only then will they be happy, that only this or that falls into place will they do this or that or have time for what and those who really matter, and then later they wonder where time and people went ... well, time went to your delaying of 'allowing yourself to be happy' (or to your constant whining and insisting on looking back and holding onto the past, good luck with that, just don't bother me with it anymore, i'm done with people stuck in a rut because they choose to do so) and the people went because they have better things to do with their time than to wait for your terms of any relationship.
most fail to understand that learning how to be happy, how to enjoy being happy in between life's twists and turns, pitfalls and punches that's the real deal. true happiness because it just is, and doesn't depend on any external condition to exist. in those moments no matter how much crap might be going on, your life is very much your own and one can clearly see what really matters, who really matters and where our time, energy and self must be geared towards.
i've seen one too many expiration dates up close and personal. been through too much. happy is not tomorrow. happy is in the here and now as far as i can have a say in it, and i do have a say in how i feel. in the past few months something changed, snapped, clicked, fell into place ... i don't know what happened, i don't why, i feel it and know it's real and that's enough for me, it's a state of flux and grace, a being happier than i had been in awhile.
happy is sitting on a swing facing a beach where hundreds died at midnight and fully realizing the meaning of «ça ne s'explique pas, ça ce vit» ... so hello hints and no explanations (i don't owe them to anybody) and living ... everything else, not my bag ...
prompted by this fab post by Lisa Boncheck Adams. please read: Expiration Date
most fail to understand that learning how to be happy, how to enjoy being happy in between life's twists and turns, pitfalls and punches that's the real deal. true happiness because it just is, and doesn't depend on any external condition to exist. in those moments no matter how much crap might be going on, your life is very much your own and one can clearly see what really matters, who really matters and where our time, energy and self must be geared towards.
i've seen one too many expiration dates up close and personal. been through too much. happy is not tomorrow. happy is in the here and now as far as i can have a say in it, and i do have a say in how i feel. in the past few months something changed, snapped, clicked, fell into place ... i don't know what happened, i don't why, i feel it and know it's real and that's enough for me, it's a state of flux and grace, a being happier than i had been in awhile.
happy is sitting on a swing facing a beach where hundreds died at midnight and fully realizing the meaning of «ça ne s'explique pas, ça ce vit» ... so hello hints and no explanations (i don't owe them to anybody) and living ... everything else, not my bag ...
prompted by this fab post by Lisa Boncheck Adams. please read: Expiration Date
25.4.13
Fallout
13 years to the day ... somewhere along the line it didn't heal (don't think it ever will) but living with it slowly but surely became easier and somehow then it became doable ...
if you ever decide to tell your child you'd rather see him or her dead than happy in his or her own terms make sure you're ready for the fallout from that, because you will never ever be able to repair the relationship and have access to your child. you might have a relationship but one that has a great wall of china inside it. and it will never ever disappear.
more importantly some children will wander, shatter, disintegrate and hit absolute rock bottom and then discover that there is life after death. that all they should've done immediately was to die, for a little bit. because death was the beginning that they needed to their life. and then some children will discover that after what looked like an absolute end you can live and thrive and be happy without any semblance of parents in his or her life ... you just have to let go and realize you can't hold on to what you never really had.
*love & light*
if you ever decide to tell your child you'd rather see him or her dead than happy in his or her own terms make sure you're ready for the fallout from that, because you will never ever be able to repair the relationship and have access to your child. you might have a relationship but one that has a great wall of china inside it. and it will never ever disappear.
more importantly some children will wander, shatter, disintegrate and hit absolute rock bottom and then discover that there is life after death. that all they should've done immediately was to die, for a little bit. because death was the beginning that they needed to their life. and then some children will discover that after what looked like an absolute end you can live and thrive and be happy without any semblance of parents in his or her life ... you just have to let go and realize you can't hold on to what you never really had.
*love & light*
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