better days

i.wish.for.better.days.for.each.one.of.us!

i.carry.you.all.in.my.heart.

a wish for life

"I want more life, fucker." Roy Batty (Blade Runner)

my wish for myself (and everybody else) in 2013!

love and light!

cosmic kisses & vortex hugs!

ana 

[nexus.10.]

[replicant.for.life.]

give up and then begin

‎"The thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." —Anna Quindlen

those who walked the long path of therapy know oh so painfully just how true this is ... words to live by!

Le Dernier Jour

Il est trop tard, trop tard

A nos âmes dans la nuit

Le dernier jour est arrivé

A nos âmes dans l'oubli

Juste un dernier jour accordé

A nos larmes dans le gris

Le dernier jour est arrivé

truth

so me! always! my next re-read for sure!

life

am alive.
am really tired.
am more or less ok.
kids are amazing.
nailed the gifts.
miss brother and sis 'n' law.
parental units are trying to bite their tongue (not always succeeding).
i am walking away before thermonuclear becomes an option.
a lot of work at night.
have decided to take this time to take a small break from the net.
love and light!

on friendship

"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.” ― Ray Bradbury

From season to season

the tides of time have spun and a new christmas is upon us ... about this year i can only say that i'm still processing it: it was a deeply trying year! but one that i feel quite strongly that was most necessary for me.

a time when some strong foundations were laid, some important changes were made that will resonate into (my) future, decisions were made - some instinctively, others following much thought. 

some left (one got booted hardcore), some became more distant, some became closer, some just remained and some people walked in to my life and unexpectedly won my heart promptly and proved to me that there are no ages to make friends. 

somehow i hit 4 years post-therapy discharge last month and i don't know fully well what happened, but i changed. i don't know how to explain it, but i am more me than i have ever been in my life. and i also feel that this is a deeply personal time and a path that i have to walk alone, i might be a bit less around, but i have to do this and this has nothing to do with others.

this time of year is slowly easing up, and i am starting to sense how eventually it shall be mine in all the ways that i have so longed for and deserve. baby steps!

i am myself, but at the same i am so *not* who i was this time last year and i am profoundly grateful for sensing that despite the harships i can say that i am not bitter, i am not angry, i am not the same, i have changed, i have welcomed and embraced change, i evolved, i was not afraid to cut ties that bind, to make new ties, to live. i.am.myself. and «my life extends beyond the limitations of me».

music, film, literature, sculpture, painting, installations, animation, illustration, basically ART kept me alive this year and helped tap into other parts of my self. is there such a thing as too much art in one's life?! i doubt it ...

if all roads lead to the great path, and only the willing shall find their way, i am proud to say that i am still willing, i am still on the road, the first step on which i took a little over 10 years ago when i finally started therapy.

this year has been about good emotions, about reconnecting with stuff «lost gone found», about love and, as we all complete, about the overarching tones and colors which i wish my life to have. but that doesn't mean foregoing my past, quite the contrary, i feel that it is more and more relevant to remind others that you.do.not.stay.broken.forever!

so, this christmas all i can wish for you is love and light ... in the wake of the darkness running rampant in this particular difficult moment across the world, i do believe that it is most important not to lose sight of our humanity, compassion, ability to love, kindness, and the difference that «really real» relationships bring into our lives.

you all have touched me and my life in some way and i am profoundly grateful for your presence ... it just wouldn't be the same. each and every single one of you makes a difference in my life! know that!

i wish you all a merry, peaceful, love filled Christmas ... i carry you in my heart!

cosmic kisses & vortex hugs, ana

ps1:

there have been some who have been travelling on roads close to mine ... and our journey reminds each other that we are not all alone and we all complete and it's about the journey and what one does during it.

Rita, Regina, Lara, Locas, Marta: you guys mean the world to me! physical distance was a bitch this year *but* it changed nothing. not a single thing. i can't wait for the rest of our story to unfold!

Katrin: my munchkin, our common language was in some dark times the thread of light that reminded me just how *so not* alone i am. you have changed both me and my life, and i know we were meant to be friends. it would happen. someway. somehow. 

Erin, Daniela, Samantha, Rissa, Rebecca: that we're all still here gives me more strength than i shall ever be able to convey. you guys are one of my shelters from the storm. with you i know i am safe and that is not a small thing at all.

Christy, Sara, Ligia, João Pedro, Susana, Joana, Agreste, Val, Sara B., Michelle, Sharon, Tiago R. (aka T.), Marco, João C., Inês, Guilherme, António, Cavaco, Anabela S., Tiago J., Janet, Sofia A., Filipe: thank you for the unexpected gift of your friendship, yourselves, your hubbies/wives, your children and your life. the open arms and heart. the honest and kind souls. for the strength, the love, the warmth, the laughs, the emotions. you were *the* single most unexpected thing in my life throughout this year and i thank you deeply for allowing me to come into your lives. 

Lu, Marisa M., Andrea, Rita B., Pedro A. T., André: here's to permanence and endurance. to lasting friendships through the changing tides.

special mentions:

Ana B., Ana V. and Maria A.: like Val said the other day, it is young people like you that make us think that it's a good idea to bring kids into this world. you are a treat and it's a priviledge to witness your youth, your growth and your heart and soul. you are so very special. please don't forget it!

last but not least:

Eric, Wendy, Mario, Dutch, Jeff: not only does your art inspire me every day, but your profound humanity and kindness is most humbling and touching. i am utterly blessed and grateful for your presence in my life. you have made me a better human being and for that i cannot thank you enough!

disclaimer: this doesn't mean i don't love everybody else, i do, but some things should be praised as they are unique!

ps2:

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

by e.e.cummings

ps3:

«All lives have wreckage. The trick is making the broken pieces fit in some new way. What works in life is the same thing that works in writing: Show up every day - sober, sleeves rolled, and full of hope as a child.» 

in "An Open Book", The Education of Max Bickford

it's just a ride

define the year in a sentence: life is just a ride!

avoir le fin mot de l'histoire

and that was that: last remnants of somebody's presence in my life deleted ... a year to the date of that particular exchange (it wasn't the final exchange but the one were i called things by their proper names). seemed fitting to do that today. what a year, what a ride. good riddance!

ripples

dear you who suddenly wants to catch up over xmas ... how do i say this?! ah yes, get bent, bite me and fuck off! my life is a year long affair, not just a seasonal one. so i'm sorry, but you know, NO. you want to catch up?! do it on a regular basis. oh, you're too busy?! well, so am i and yet ... funny, isn't it?! priorities, decisions, the way they're ripples in a pond ... welcome to the new world order: you get what you give!

lost.gone.found

sum up 2012: «do you hear that sound?! it's the sound of a lost gone found! ... and.it.sounds.nice!» 

on too much

please read: How I Got In Touch With Being "Too Much"

«When I stopped eating...» ... must read if nothing else for this alone...

if me saying this is a must read isn't enough

if me saying that «when I stopped eating...» is the beginning of a sentence that covers quite a few years of my life, the effects of which are still felt in my everyday life (every single one of my mornings: "you must eat, ana. sit down and eat. no, not eating won't make everything ok. sit down and eat, ana! sit.down.NOW.and.eat!". when I get stressed, super stressed I have to fight the urge to throw up: "no, ana, throwing up won't fix anything. sit down, ana! breathe, ana!". I have the gag reflex from hell by now)

if me saying this will give you some insight into me («I don't get why you don't speak, you're the brightest one in the room». «you have to write, you actually have something to say that I want to hear about, but sadly you don't think so!», «your words, I don't think you know what they feel like!»)

if me saying that just one person dared to tell me to my face «well, we're not working until you eat all that on your plate so I assume I should go get the clinical anatomy exams to grade here in the cafeteria»... she graded them all - 87 - and I still wasn't nowhere near finished with the plate. 

I am a survivor, it's been roughly 14 years since I began eating again - wish I could say properly but that is a heavy negotiation at best, but I eat and know I have to eat! - I still consider that I have an eating disorder, or two, you manage it for the rest of your life. you find the heart to forgive yourself for all the harm you have inflicted on yourself (oh the scars, they all tell a story) and then find the courage - it means heart! - to go on, find your voice and be.really.loud!

love & light, ana

on the cramped dark inside you

“God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of "parties" with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.” 
-- The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

thanks to Sylvia, i long ago learned that perhaps it is best not keep so much «in the small cramped dark inside you so long» ... not for other's sake, but for our own sake. one runs the risk of missing out on the very best parts of oneself ... not an option for me, not a choice i'm comfortable with making anymore ... 

PKD at (would be) 84

PKD would've been 84 today, but perhaps because his words are so present in my life - and as he said “The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use them.”  - somehow to me he never truly feels gone ...

“Because today we live in a society in which spurious realities are manufactured by the media, by governments, by big corporations, by religious groups, political groups... So I ask, in my writing, What is real? Because unceasingly we are bombarded with pseudo-realities manufactured by very sophisticated people using very sophisticated electronic mechanisms. I do not distrust their motives; I distrust their power. They have a lot of it. And it is an astonishing power: that of creating whole universes, universes of the mind. I ought to know. I do the same thing.” Philip K. Dick

shades, tones and variations

“…What is my life for and what am I going to do with it? I don't know and I’m afraid. I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And what do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited. Yet I am not a cretin: lame, blind, and stupid.”

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

all.the.shades.tones.and.variations.
all.of.them!

♥ sylvia ♥

via https://www.facebook.com/EnglishLiteraturePoetryBooksBookClubsMore

waiting to declare

the exquisite thought of the day: "waiting to declare": the moment after stabilization where you wait for others to declare themselves — their intentions and will — by words or deeds or lack therefore ... 

and in 2012 i got quite a few declarations, which rocked. hard. clarification is indeed a beautiful thing. 

i am grateful to some people for making my life and my decisions *that much* easier, as i responded to their declarations. i now some are not happy, but alas, you get what you give. and you don't get what you don't give. c'est la vie. the beach is ever changing and the world keeps on spinning. we all complete!

noise.sex.love!

on making out

«maybe making out for a few minutes would help us figure things out»

i stand fast in my firm belief that serious make out sessions are life's blood and make so many things better and are quite helpful. apparently i am not alone!!

to the couple who has this scribbled over their bed, you guys are my new found heroes and i fluffy heart you!! some people in the past did not share this belief, which probably explains why they are now 'exes' ...

a make out session a day keeps the life lively and with (fore)play ... do.it!!! 

on fluidity

«Identity is fluid» or  at least it should be. 

losing toxic 'old' friends & making new ones after you're 30 rocks hard (don't let anybody tell you otherwise). i should know and i do know this is true.

above all, dare to change. and please don't fall trap to the 'i can't afford the big changes so i'm stuck' ... truth is real lasting changing begins with truly small things, so enough with the excuses. 

if things are not enough, even if you can't pinpoint exactly what would be enough, just knowing what is *not* enough is an amazing place to start.

live life. we all complete, that is a given, so enjoy the ride, because despite the destination's certainty, there is no absolute truths about the path. what matters is what we do during our completion cycle.

many roads lead to the great path only the willing shall find their way. it is never too late to be exactly who you want to be.

noise.sex.love!    

please read «Most lives are lived by default» here: 
http://www.raptitude.com/2012/07/most-lives-are-lived-by-default/

«never let go»

powerful read and view!!

1st part of a three part segment story on a micro preemie. each segment includes a video, text and a photo gallery. being a preemie is rough, being a micro preemie is a whole other ball park altogether, a much darker and rougher ball park. i should stress that this is *NOT* for the faint hearted, micro preemies are very frail children and this might be too hard for some to watch. 

Lost and Found story here: http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/medicine/article1264963.ece 

see video and photo gallery and other resources on neonatal, preemies and micro preemies here: http://www.tampabay.com/specials/2012/reports/juniper/ 


------

2nd part of three part segment story on a micro preemie «Never Let Go» is up. again, as the first time around, i'd like to stress that this *NOT* for the faint hearted

the level of honesty at a NICU continues to be something i'm in awe of ... there's absolutely no bs in that department, too much is on the line. "Never trust a preemie" as harsh as that sounds, it is the best advice anybody can give to the parents of a preemie. it's about the seconds and the minutes, making long term plans can easily lead to heartbreak. 

The Zero Zone story here: http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/medicine/article1265497.ece

see video and photo gallery and other resources on neonatal, preemies and micro preemies here: http://www.tampabay.com/specials/2012/reports/juniper/

------

last part of Never Let Go is up, a three part story on the long journey of a micro preemie and her family as they navigate NICU. as before this is *NOT* for everybody!

but just as the previous parts, it's thoughtful and insightful into an area of medicine - and life - that raises tremendous questions: not just ethical ones, but life ones ... about the nature of love and attachment. so if you have the heart for it, you should read it (them all actually) and discover something about yourself.

Some might say this is too uncomfortable and scary and makes them afraid of making certain life choices. to them i can only say: this is life! stuff happens, that you can't always control, the only thing you can do is to ponder the possibility and decide whether you will take it on if it should arise. if you can't and wouldn't, then perhaps this isn't a choice you should make to begin with, because there are *no* certainties in life, except that we.all.compl

ete.

«To Do:
X Survive birth
Breathe (ongoing)
X Heal tummy
X Win over Tracy
X 1000 grams
2000 grams
X Off the ventilator
Off oxygen
Lose chest tube
Dissolve blood clot
Learn to eat
Acquire pony


Tom added: Conquer space and time» 

Baby's breath story here: http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/medicine/article1265977.ece

full story (3 parts), image galleries and videos here:http://www.tampabay.com/specials/2012/reports/juniper/

71 years later

today marks the 71st anniversary of the Pearl Harbor attack and perhaps today of all days we should strive a little more to consider bringing forth a new gaze and perspective on life, our planet and ourselves ... so that we can move on collectively as a species and draw the line at all sorts of infamies ... here's to a better world! 

please see Overview: http://vimeo.com/55073825

be careful

Be careful how you bend me
Be careful where you send me
Careful how you end me
Be careful with me

be.careful.with.me!

[this moves me to absolute tears. i am utterly broken down and rebuilt by this performance!]

[In Memoriam] STS-61B

our lady Atlantis in a flawless touchdown on December 3rd, 1985 at Edwards Air Force Base completing STS-61B ... this shot clearly shows the toll of all the reentries on her. the hull wasn't seared with so many reentry burns yet.

[In Memoriam] STS-61

today in 1993, launch of STS-61 from NASA's Kennedy Space Center.

this was Hubble Space Telescope's first servicing mission and our lady Endeavour and her amazing crew kicked some serious ass by nailing the mission that so many thought impossible. it was one of the most complex missions ever performed by a shuttle and its crew, clocking in at 11 days that tested both the shuttle and the crew to the max ... as usual, they went above and beyond, and in this particular mission, that is a complete and total understatement.

so, once again, i must say that in these troubled economic times some things continue to deserve support, because they contribute to an expansion of our minds and our wills. National Aeronautics and Space Administration - NASA deserves every single penny it gets, and its budget should be doubled, and should there be any doubts, all you have to do is take some time to see all the history behind this particular mission and the level of dedication everybody who works there puts into everything they do. even when all the odds are stacked up against them, they refuse to give up and continue to move forward, because that is how you expand this world: you.do.not.give.up!

figuring it out

beautiful, powerful read as always about persevering through what you *know* (even if nobody else does) is your path and remaining true to the song in your heart ...

[also, if i were ever to get married this would be me *every.fucking.day* «every day it gets a little easier and every day the doubt deepens and i look in the mirror asking myself: “who the fuck were you to think that you could make a marriage work? you’re too demanding. you’re too fast. you’re too childish. you’re too careless. you’re too selfish.”»] 

please read Amanda Palmer's blog entry 'Playing to Nobody' here: http://www.amandapalmer.net/blog/20121130/

vantage point

ISS's view of Sandy ... in case some haven't grasped this yet: we are but mere guests/custodians of this planet, it's not ours to destroy, it's ours to protect and safeguard as it owns our ass!

image via Fragile Oasis - http://www.fragileoasis.org/ - facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/FragileOasis - 

Ridley

Ridley Scott is 75 today ... he has been changing me and my life ever since i was a kid, and for him i have all the love in the world ... some things and some people are just the right companions to have throughout life's journey!

on banging security

«@avflox HER: I noticed you're not following me on Twitter. HIM: Well... I don't need to. I'm banging you. In person.»


word!!!!

more people need to get this ... this was something that drained on my last relationship:  a cling film like attitude ...

if i ever - and i mean ever - have to explain to another guy in my life that gives me the speech of 'you didn't pay enough attention to me at a group dinner' or 'why don't you hold my hand EVERY time we're in public*' that he's being an idiot because hello, we fuck, i will drop his ass on the spot. and looking back that is precisely what i should've done.

democracy and communication sometimes are way overrated in relationships. sometimes what you truly need is a dictatorship of get the fuck out of my life and go annoy some other woman.

[* it was like 'seriously, have you met me?!']

on time, falling and flying

“Don’t give up. No Limits. It’s never too late to learn to fly.” —J. Michael Straczynski

[quote and image from http://herewecollide.com/post/36815144978/dont-give-up-no-limits-its-never-too-late-to]

it's never too late for anything ... not even to reclaim your life in the wake of a huge depression and suicide attempts, there are no limitations except those you impose yourself ... 

as Neil Gaiman said «Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.»

the fall i avoided for so long killed the version of me that was keeping me from learning to fly mid-fall, shame i only realized so late in the game, but i did, and allowed myself to fall hard, to die and to rise from the ashes! ... here's to new beginnings!!

[1463 days!]

Mecha Love

«Robots: more romantic than anticipated.»

but, but, but was there doubt about how romantic mechas are?! surely not! 

swoon.i.say.swoon!! :) 

via Disney/Pixar on facebook

1462 days

1462 days of stepping.into.the.light! 

i.am.a.survivor. 

depression.survivor.

suicide.survivor.

happy.is.the.little.things.

Moi je veux vivre, vivre, vivre un peu plus fort

Embrasser le garçon sur la bouche 

Et puis se mouiller 

L'emmener dans le fond du couloir 

Et puis se brûler 

être blanc être pâle 

Se rechercher la vie 

Se faire mal 

En se disant que juste après 

Juste après 

On n'le regrettera surement pas 

Juste après 

Moi je veux vivre, vivre, vivre un peu plus fort 

Embrasser la fille sur les lèvres 

Et puis decider 

Descendre pas à pas 

En bas de l'escalier 

Encore plus bas 

Ne pas savoir qui l'on va trouver 

Dans le fond 

Ce qu'est la vie, 

Ce que j'en sais, 

Ce qu'il faut croire 

Moi je veux vivre, vivre,vivre encore plus fort 

Et puis se sacrifier 

Et puis se crucifier 

Sans hommage 

Et puis rester cachés 

Les corps écartés sans espoir 

S'abandonner ne plus jamais 

S'en déplaire 

Juste en fermant les yeux 

S'imaginer ses dieux 

Nous on veut vivre,vivre, 

Vivre encore plus fort, 

Encore un peu...

4!

«Discharge» old lj note from 28/11/2008

«Might as well shout it out from the rooftops...

I got discharged from therapy yesterday, this means that I am officially fit and able to deal and handle with everything...Meant to say it yesterday, but just too emotional a time, long time coming, 6 years to be precise...

So, let me repeat it once again...I got discharged from therapy yesterday...and my eyes still water every time i say it...

Will talk about it a bit more after it sinks in...»

4.years.and.counting.

am.getting.there.every.day!

and.my.eyes.still.water.when.i.think.of.this!

can.not.believe.i.made.it.

can.not.believe.that.i.am.alive.

that.i.am.sane.balanced.healthy.happy.and.thriving!

life is not perfect, i am not perfect, but this feels like heaven when i look back at my journey!

4.years.and.counting!

bring.it!

lest we forget

«Why extremists always focus on women remains a mystery to me. But they all seem to. It doesn't matter what country they're in or what religion they claim. They want to control women. They want to control how we dress, they want to control 

how we act, they even want to control the decisions we make about our own health and bodies.

Yes, it is hard to believe but even here at home we have to stand up for women's rights and reject efforts to marginalize any one of us ...» 

food for thought about this speech: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/16/world/europe/16iht-letter16.html?_r=0

149 years

149 years ago today, Lincoln delivered what was to go down in history as the "The Gettysburg Address", it is a monumental brief piece of writing and, for me, it is what the gold standard standard in politics should be: talk less, do more ... 

***

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

see also: http://www.thevillagessuntimes.com/article/today-marks-149th-anniversary-lincolns-gettysburg-address 

family, flexibility, evolution and respect

"I don’t think a female running a house is a problem, a broken family. It’s perceived as one because of the notion that a head is a man. Two parents can’t raise a child any more than one. You need a whole community — everybody — to raise a child. … the little nuclear family is a paradigm that just doesn’t work. It doesn’t work for white people or for black people. Why we are hanging onto it, I don’t know. It isolates people into little units — people need a larger unit." Toni Morrison, quoted in Nina Power’s One Dimensional Woman 

yes, thank you! the world and society has changed, can we fucking become flexible and grow the fuck up already. what works for some doesn't work for others, drop the judgment and trying to tell others how to live their lives. i officially had a family,except i didn't and i still don't, so all those saying that only mom + dad works as a family and nothing else (just mom, just dad, two moms, two dads, mom+ small farm animal, dad + small farm animal, take your pick, go wild, be happy, healthy, stable and thriving, that's the only thing that should truly matter), get bent, get over yourself and your narrow minded, bigoted view and shut the fuck up already, you don't see me telling you what your life should look like, do you?! cheers, respect others! but i get it, it's not difference that is scary, it's the idea of others being truly happy in their own terms that really messes these hate mongers because they're truly miserable people, so nobody else is entitled to be happy either. fuck off already. it's 2012, evolve for a change!

also, 

interesting read http://thenewinquiry.com/essays/the-anti-family/

World Prematurity Day

regarding prematurity day, this is one of my fave networked blogs for issues related to preterms, they do a great job of networking a bunch of blogs from mothers as well as from doctors and other sources, it's a wonderful resource that is t

ruly a eye opener for those who don't know this reality. and what i really love about it?! it covers all realities, because preterm birth is intense in the west but in some parts of the world it's basically a death sentence and some people are fighting hard to change that: http://www.healthynewbornnetwork.org/blog?page=1

my advice for sobering life perspective and a reality check has been the same for over 14 years now: go stand outside a NICU for awhile. it.will.change.you!

life is not a race, it shouldn't be, life is about the little moments, the ones that add and add and suddenly make up your life. nobody knows this better than the parents of a preemie.

Jane and Harry: 1st Cuddle

(Jane and Harry photo from http://notevena.blogspot.co.uk/ for them all the love hanging in the air for their journey)
btw: i was a preemie! and so was my brother who is 43 today! both of us born in africa so the issue of preemies in areas with lesser care is close to my heart!

we.all.complete!

it's not the time, it's what you do with it! 

Age

Even the sea is put to bed.
Even the cliffs along the shores look both ways.
Even the blur of the leopard descends
unto the refuge of flesh.

Because the very nature of art is questioning
even your statements will draw answers back.
Flies turmoil about the afterbirth
my dog today neglected briefly to eat the pup.

Because you are at least so many people
what with your demons, your aspirations,
and all of the various ways you excel,
you cannot, should not be, swallowed up.
But still you must.

—Greg Kuzma, “Age.”

«Memoria»

J’arrive pas très fier de moi
Le pire est derrière moi
Je reviendrai tout recommencer
(...)
Je vide tout et je rentre chez moi ;)

the long haul

you guys, our lady Endeavour and the California Science Center need our help ... they're still in the process of building our lady's permanent home, for now she's housed in a temporary protective pavilion, but Toyota is going to bat for them with our help. for every tweet sent through their app, the center gets 50 bucks ... so think about it, it's free and you're helping our beloved space gal out. please share and let's get her to her home as fast as possible!

and in case you have forgotten, our lady Endeavour (aka NASA's baby) was the ship sent up to repair the Hubble Space Telescope  ... a mission very few believed in and thought possible but she and its crew pulled it off. so every single cosmos shot taken by Hubble that you gasped at it's because of her, so let's help our lady out!

so check it out here: http://www.toyota.com/tundraendeavour/#tweet-drive

o vader e o burgo

ver um gajo cá no burgo numa pseudo festa bimba vestido de darth vader com o logotipo de uma bebida alcóolica colado na frente do fato é das coisas mais tristes que vi nos últimos tempos, e estou a ser simpática.

aquilo que para uns faz parte de um dos pilares fundadores da sua personalidade e individualidade, para outros - com menos lá dentro - é uma coisa que, à falta de presumo talento/imaginação/criatividade, é usada e abusada para tudo e mais alguma coisa sem ter nada de nada a ver*.

das coisas boas do negócio - que espero que vá para a frente - da Disney com a Lucasfilm é que a Disney não tem grande pachorra para usos abusivos das suas copyrighted images pelo que espero que meta um travão a este forró e acabe com certos tristes espectáculos porque não há alma para ver este degredo ao vivo e a cores.

[*e também adoro os que se colaram à imagem do dark side quando nem sequer gostam do star wars, esses então são do mais asqueroso que há (e um dia expliquem-me os que caem no act e acham que há ali sumo e conteúdo, não é, tudo ali é apenas fogo de vista). é uma pena que confundam falta de carácter com dark side, é que se há coisa que não falta ao dark side é carácter e intergridade ao contrário dessa gentinha, mas enfim, eu percebo, é o nível que atingem, rasteiro, rasteirinho. small people, small minds, small lives.]

Life or something like it

«For the past few days I have felt a bit unhinged, it's to be expected, this time of the year is never easy for me, but this year maybe because so much changed over the course of the past few months, I felt it a bit more.

The fact that it coincided with Easter did not help as inevitably a line was going to be drawn in the sand, one that I would not cross. As expected the initial mention of 'I'm not going' led to the usual tantrum, emotional blackmail attempts and, lastly, whining by the parental units. But said line was drawn and eventually all more or less blew over (nothing really ever blows over with those two, it gets tabled to be mentioned later on, whatever, I'm so over it, I don't care anymore).

This week, despite the massive workload, I decided to go see somebody I wholeheartedly trust, who was also there for most of the ride, she wasn't there right at the beginning as was my therapist, but she came into my life shortly thereafter, and I credit those two amazing women with helping me navigate the stormy seas of my depression. I had to do it all by myself, but it was nice to know I wasn't alone. I needed her input because it hit me that something was never discussed. Our talk helped me. She is right, the time for certain steps, certain actions and certain ends has finally come. It's not easy or particularly pleasing but it feels right and moreover it's the right thing for me. I'm ok, but I guess the time has come to fully close certain chapters.  While I was working today, I missed my old blog entries from back in the heyday of the depression and therapy. That is part of who I am, and with each passing day I do realize everybody has been right for the longest time: I'm a writer. So today I really need to write this, I think the time has come to finally lay this to rest. Especially because the people who fight to be a part of my life - the good and especially the bad - deserve this moment as I did not give them the possibility to be there for me back in the day. I say this especially for Lara, as I thought that I had already told her a long time ago and when I realized last week that I hadn't, I was gutted, as she was someone who protested big time about the absence in the bad moments. That some people are made of other stock - like me - and are in it for the fight, the showdowns, the moments that make up the fabric of life, the ones that create bonds that time and space cannot break. and she deserved that moment and I think I could've used her back then. You live and you learn.

11 years ago this Monday life changed, better said, my life changed. Completely. It spun on its axis into a total tailspin. Sadly I'm sorry to say that for 2 years after that I tried to carry on as if nothing much had changed, except for that one thing. I approached the whole ordeal the same way I had approached things ever since I could remember until then: I just kept going, someway, somehow and always at a massive personal cost. That cost, all that I lost along the way, what bled out of me, I wouldn't realize or comprehend until much later.

The truth of the matter, at the time, I just couldn't stop. I had to keep on going. No matter what. That's what I did and in the span of 3 years I tried to kill myself twice, that's how well that went down! Good times! That was not new, finding ways to hurt myself was a hobby of mine for the longest time, and the first time I tried to make it all stop I was 24 at the height of all my early academic accomplishments or so everybody said, funny thing I did all those things and just drowned more and more every day, but I'm super proud of those, I challenged myself and pushed the bar higher every day because I had to keep on going, I just couldn't stop. 

Funny thing is it took somebody else nearly causing my death accidentally in my early 30s for me to discover something truly amazing: I really want(ed) to live! How's that for a kicker. But suicide for me was never about quitting (those of you who have access to this and know me a bit better know that quitting really isn't my thing, quite the contrary), it was always about exhaustion and being so utterly run down. I just wanted things to stop for awhile I couldn't catch my breath, I was running on empty. and it took a diagnosis of profound depression spanning over 20 years at the age of 29 for me to realize it was ok and normal to be that exhausted and run down. This wasn't some random spell, it was the majority of my life. But some way, somehow, I just kept on going in a truly spectacular fashion, the majority of the people never even had a clue something was so terribly wrong with me. The way I saw it and still do, I guess, it was my burden to bear. Mine and mine alone. Yes, I know, let others decide, but when you grow up the way I did, filling others in on stuff that could potentially give them leverage to hurt you some more is not considered to be an option. [Have I mentioned I have trust issues?!]

So life changed drastically and I just kept on going. I adjusted my life to the necessary change that came from that shattering moment. Dusted myself off and carried on. Because I knew that if I stopped, then I would be engulfed by the darkness that had always surrounded me since I was a child and somehow managed to keep at bay long enough to excel at practically everything I set out to do (things did not go so well when I failed to see the point of bothering with stuff...oy vey! Actually that still hasn't changed, but let's not go there!). If I stopped, after running for so long, the sky would fall on me, I would hit total rock bottom (which in all fairness I did, as life implosions go, mine was pretty spectacular! If you're going to do it, just do it big and in style!) and I thought I just wouldn't be strong enough to pick up the pieces and get up again (or so I thought! Boy, I so did not give myself enough credit, what a dingbat!).

But above all, I would have to say out loud, to face the fact that I had no family, that I never really had a family. I mean I have a family, we talk, but at the end of the day I'm fully aware that it's not real, it's not mine, I don't belong, I never did, they made sure of that since day one. I'm what they got, not what they wanted. I'm fully aware that I'm so not what they thought they were getting when they heard "it's a girl" but to be fair they are so not what my idea of parents is, so I think we're pretty much even. Eventually our relationship boiled down to an uneasy truce between two domineering and controlling parental units who wanted life to be exactly as they wanted it to be and a child that never ever gave in, bent, broke or waved since roughly the time she could talk.

For the longest time I went about it the wrong way, I remember being really young and I couldn't figure out why they didn't love me and I tried so hard, too hard, I only got more and more disappointed and I lost too many precious parts during that time. I now know they do love me just not in the way I need(ed) them to. It is what it is. Then one day, I think I was about 12, it just didn't matter anymore. I started doing things for myself. That didn't go over too well, but the stubborn kid had become this teenager with a backbone that would make anybody stand into attention so we made our uneasy truce.

Things didn't really change much but the tactics changed and looking back I see how much more destructive the game became for everybody involved, especially for me, I took the biggest hits and I suffered the biggest losses. But again I was just a kid and trying to not lose sight of myself. Today I would have made different decisions and gone about it differently, but I'm not the same person and it's easy to be hard on oneself with the benefit of hindsight, but the truth of the matter is that I was just a kid with 2 insane parental units who are seriously whacked more often than not. I did what I had to do, the only choice I thought I had at the time: I kept going.

Years went by, I continued making my decisions (it helped that said parental units pretty much didn't care about my life or me). I noticed that the ones that made me the happiest, were the ones they were the nastiest about. To this day, whenever I'm happy, it's like a personal offense to them. Have I mentioned they're a bit whacked?!

So, when the first post grad program came about everything just spilled over, that coupled with a serious relationship (we lived together for 3 years), just made them seriously unhinged and the truce came to a screeching halt ... the showdown I now think was waiting in the wings since the day I was born suddenly materialized, and I should have seen it right then for what it was: the opportunity to finally reclaim my life, deal with the depression I got more or less from them and move on. Well, to my credit, I did seize the reclaim my life bit, the other parts I wasn't so smart about. Old habits die hard, I guess, and I was trying to fix things myself. I thought I had managed to sort of fix myself along the way (don't even say it, depression is a disease of mainly lack of perspective and boy was I out of it at the time!).

I remember that day, I woke up and I just knew my life was going to change, and I think I made my decision then and there, even before I got out of bed. and life did indeed change that morning. Thanks to my dear friend and our lovely talk this past Wednesday, I realized something this week, it's time I forgave myself for not promptly saying 'i'm sort of seriously fucked up, I need help' then and there. I didn't and that's that, whatever came out of it or didn't doesn't matter anymore. Not one bit. I am who I am today not because of one thing or another, I'm the sum of all things: fears, failures, pain, suffering, sadness, successes, laughter, hopes and dreams and so many other little things that are good or bad but which just are in me and I cannot conceive me in any other way. I'm the result of my journey and that's that.

I also realized that hearing my parents' say they would rather see me dead than happy in my own terms has hurt me a whole lot more than it does now. It's time I start working on filing it and putting it away. It'll take some time but I'll get there, I know that now. I don't think I'll ever forget, it's not the sort of thing one forgets, it's one of those wounds you put some padding over to protect and keep from opening up again. But I forgave them a long time ago. As much as I was just trying to survive and keep going, I think they were also doing the same and had a really bad moment, which cost them any and all connection with me. They have already paid (and are paying) their price, I didn't see the point early on of making them pay even more and that is why we still talk (even though sometimes I think I really don't need the aggravation!). But the truth is we talk but they don't know me or anything about my life, and that is how it's going to be, I can't trust them. I don't think I ever will. That's ok, it is what it is...

This week, I realized I also need to thank them while I still can ... I wouldn't be me if it weren't for their whacked out ways. It would have been nice to have gotten to be a child, but that wasn't in the cards. That's ok I didn't do so bad. I grew up faster than anybody should which sucked at the time but now I see some of my friends struggling to grow up and I'm grateful that I had to do it so soon.

It made me incredibly strong and wise beyond my years (granted it also gave a lot of trust issues, but hey that's what therapy was for!). They gave me my work ethic, my kick ass eclectic musical taste is a reflection of their own, my awesome taste in perfumes I owe to my mom and her love for scents. My passion for books I owe to her as well and at 37 I'm more than appreciative of the fact that she let me spend my 9th summer going through her entire agatha christie collection (although I'm not so sure that is what I should be reading at that age but everything else kinda bored me, so I guess she was stuck and she was spot on, and it helped me become a master at unraveling movie plots!).

I'm grateful for their total disregard for conventions and allowing me to see every single piece of sci-fi that came on at an age that most kids were watching cartoons, especially for letting me watch Alien so early on! As much as I love(d) Star Wars seeing Alien was a total rock star moment compared to seeing Star Wars! I thank them for my Marvel figurines, especially the Wolverine one which I hounded them for ages to get, somehow those are still around (even though my nephews are destroying them, but whatever, I'll just get niftier ones!).

I thank them for the space shuttle legos. Every single little girl around wanted a doll for xmas and I wanted the space shuttle legos and that is exactly what I got when I was like 10 and I so loved them for that (I think that was the year they finally gave up on the whole girlie girl thing! I got a kick ass big house construction set with wooden pieces the following xmas). Of course they made a point of giving away most of the toys I loved by the time I was 13 and kept the ones I hated (no comments, I think that pretty much says a lot) which didn't go over so well with me (seeing as every single toy my brother ever had was safely held on to), but hey 13 was a nifty bday, they gave away my bday cake to somebody else for a party, so, good times, heh?!

My point is, it's easy to focus on the bad, especially when there's so much more of it than good. But there are good parts, I learned resilience, passion and commitment for what you do from them. I learned how to take responsibility from their inability to take any in regards to their somewhat constant fuck ups! I think some of my chameleonic traits in regards to work come from them. The fact that I love a challenge I also see in them and in my brother too. My love for architecture and interior design I also owe to them. Their passion for knowledge and culture and all the books around the house, how I thank them for that.

I don't dwell much on the past, spent 6 years in therapy retracing my steps and how way led onto way and how i found myself in the abyss of depression. I know how I got here and that is enough for me. I don't really think about how I wished things had been different. They were what they were and they are what they are. But some things have got to be said and let go of and I guess that is what I realized these past few days...

11 years ago I should have stopped and finally taken care of me, but I couldn't, for so many reasons that now seem so silly and pointless. But even that decision got me here, so I'm grateful for it. Above all I couldn't deal with the now inescapable reality that I officially did not have a family so to speak, that I would have to take care of me (along of just about everybody else). How I wish I had realized that I had been taking care of me all along and that would be just fine and I would figure it all out. Just like I did and just like I'm doing now.

The other day somebody said 'you take care of just about everybody. I have always wondered who takes care of you?!' without missing a beat I just said 'I do!'. Some days that feels just a bit exhausting (and a tad lonely) but more often than not I just feel proud, I went to hell and back again, I know myself in ways most people will never know themselves. Also, I really, but seriously, like myself! I'm now working on letting people in, it's not always easy but I'm working on it...I guess so many of you never knew what went down, and now it doesn't matter, but it should be said, because I am more than ok, and others should know you can recover from anything in this life. You don't stay broken forever.

And family became something else completely different for me, more encompassing and far more rewarding, it's not about blood relations, it's about the people you chose and those who chose you to share a life and a connection.

11 years ago next Monday I thought I was going to be broken forever ... 11 years later, I'm kinda fixed ... not all was good, but not all was bad!» Saturday, April 23rd, 2011