better days

i.wish.for.better.days.for.each.one.of.us!

i.carry.you.all.in.my.heart.

a wish for life

"I want more life, fucker." Roy Batty (Blade Runner)

my wish for myself (and everybody else) in 2013!

love and light!

cosmic kisses & vortex hugs!

ana 

[nexus.10.]

[replicant.for.life.]

give up and then begin

‎"The thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." —Anna Quindlen

those who walked the long path of therapy know oh so painfully just how true this is ... words to live by!

Le Dernier Jour

Il est trop tard, trop tard

A nos âmes dans la nuit

Le dernier jour est arrivé

A nos âmes dans l'oubli

Juste un dernier jour accordé

A nos larmes dans le gris

Le dernier jour est arrivé

truth

so me! always! my next re-read for sure!

life

am alive.
am really tired.
am more or less ok.
kids are amazing.
nailed the gifts.
miss brother and sis 'n' law.
parental units are trying to bite their tongue (not always succeeding).
i am walking away before thermonuclear becomes an option.
a lot of work at night.
have decided to take this time to take a small break from the net.
love and light!

on friendship

"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.” ― Ray Bradbury

From season to season

the tides of time have spun and a new christmas is upon us ... about this year i can only say that i'm still processing it: it was a deeply trying year! but one that i feel quite strongly that was most necessary for me.

a time when some strong foundations were laid, some important changes were made that will resonate into (my) future, decisions were made - some instinctively, others following much thought. 

some left (one got booted hardcore), some became more distant, some became closer, some just remained and some people walked in to my life and unexpectedly won my heart promptly and proved to me that there are no ages to make friends. 

somehow i hit 4 years post-therapy discharge last month and i don't know fully well what happened, but i changed. i don't know how to explain it, but i am more me than i have ever been in my life. and i also feel that this is a deeply personal time and a path that i have to walk alone, i might be a bit less around, but i have to do this and this has nothing to do with others.

this time of year is slowly easing up, and i am starting to sense how eventually it shall be mine in all the ways that i have so longed for and deserve. baby steps!

i am myself, but at the same i am so *not* who i was this time last year and i am profoundly grateful for sensing that despite the harships i can say that i am not bitter, i am not angry, i am not the same, i have changed, i have welcomed and embraced change, i evolved, i was not afraid to cut ties that bind, to make new ties, to live. i.am.myself. and «my life extends beyond the limitations of me».

music, film, literature, sculpture, painting, installations, animation, illustration, basically ART kept me alive this year and helped tap into other parts of my self. is there such a thing as too much art in one's life?! i doubt it ...

if all roads lead to the great path, and only the willing shall find their way, i am proud to say that i am still willing, i am still on the road, the first step on which i took a little over 10 years ago when i finally started therapy.

this year has been about good emotions, about reconnecting with stuff «lost gone found», about love and, as we all complete, about the overarching tones and colors which i wish my life to have. but that doesn't mean foregoing my past, quite the contrary, i feel that it is more and more relevant to remind others that you.do.not.stay.broken.forever!

so, this christmas all i can wish for you is love and light ... in the wake of the darkness running rampant in this particular difficult moment across the world, i do believe that it is most important not to lose sight of our humanity, compassion, ability to love, kindness, and the difference that «really real» relationships bring into our lives.

you all have touched me and my life in some way and i am profoundly grateful for your presence ... it just wouldn't be the same. each and every single one of you makes a difference in my life! know that!

i wish you all a merry, peaceful, love filled Christmas ... i carry you in my heart!

cosmic kisses & vortex hugs, ana

ps1:

there have been some who have been travelling on roads close to mine ... and our journey reminds each other that we are not all alone and we all complete and it's about the journey and what one does during it.

Rita, Regina, Lara, Locas, Marta: you guys mean the world to me! physical distance was a bitch this year *but* it changed nothing. not a single thing. i can't wait for the rest of our story to unfold!

Katrin: my munchkin, our common language was in some dark times the thread of light that reminded me just how *so not* alone i am. you have changed both me and my life, and i know we were meant to be friends. it would happen. someway. somehow. 

Erin, Daniela, Samantha, Rissa, Rebecca: that we're all still here gives me more strength than i shall ever be able to convey. you guys are one of my shelters from the storm. with you i know i am safe and that is not a small thing at all.

Christy, Sara, Ligia, João Pedro, Susana, Joana, Agreste, Val, Sara B., Michelle, Sharon, Tiago R. (aka T.), Marco, João C., Inês, Guilherme, António, Cavaco, Anabela S., Tiago J., Janet, Sofia A., Filipe: thank you for the unexpected gift of your friendship, yourselves, your hubbies/wives, your children and your life. the open arms and heart. the honest and kind souls. for the strength, the love, the warmth, the laughs, the emotions. you were *the* single most unexpected thing in my life throughout this year and i thank you deeply for allowing me to come into your lives. 

Lu, Marisa M., Andrea, Rita B., Pedro A. T., André: here's to permanence and endurance. to lasting friendships through the changing tides.

special mentions:

Ana B., Ana V. and Maria A.: like Val said the other day, it is young people like you that make us think that it's a good idea to bring kids into this world. you are a treat and it's a priviledge to witness your youth, your growth and your heart and soul. you are so very special. please don't forget it!

last but not least:

Eric, Wendy, Mario, Dutch, Jeff: not only does your art inspire me every day, but your profound humanity and kindness is most humbling and touching. i am utterly blessed and grateful for your presence in my life. you have made me a better human being and for that i cannot thank you enough!

disclaimer: this doesn't mean i don't love everybody else, i do, but some things should be praised as they are unique!

ps2:

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

by e.e.cummings

ps3:

«All lives have wreckage. The trick is making the broken pieces fit in some new way. What works in life is the same thing that works in writing: Show up every day - sober, sleeves rolled, and full of hope as a child.» 

in "An Open Book", The Education of Max Bickford

it's just a ride

define the year in a sentence: life is just a ride!

avoir le fin mot de l'histoire

and that was that: last remnants of somebody's presence in my life deleted ... a year to the date of that particular exchange (it wasn't the final exchange but the one were i called things by their proper names). seemed fitting to do that today. what a year, what a ride. good riddance!

ripples

dear you who suddenly wants to catch up over xmas ... how do i say this?! ah yes, get bent, bite me and fuck off! my life is a year long affair, not just a seasonal one. so i'm sorry, but you know, NO. you want to catch up?! do it on a regular basis. oh, you're too busy?! well, so am i and yet ... funny, isn't it?! priorities, decisions, the way they're ripples in a pond ... welcome to the new world order: you get what you give!

lost.gone.found

sum up 2012: «do you hear that sound?! it's the sound of a lost gone found! ... and.it.sounds.nice!» 

on too much

please read: How I Got In Touch With Being "Too Much"

«When I stopped eating...» ... must read if nothing else for this alone...

if me saying this is a must read isn't enough

if me saying that «when I stopped eating...» is the beginning of a sentence that covers quite a few years of my life, the effects of which are still felt in my everyday life (every single one of my mornings: "you must eat, ana. sit down and eat. no, not eating won't make everything ok. sit down and eat, ana! sit.down.NOW.and.eat!". when I get stressed, super stressed I have to fight the urge to throw up: "no, ana, throwing up won't fix anything. sit down, ana! breathe, ana!". I have the gag reflex from hell by now)

if me saying this will give you some insight into me («I don't get why you don't speak, you're the brightest one in the room». «you have to write, you actually have something to say that I want to hear about, but sadly you don't think so!», «your words, I don't think you know what they feel like!»)

if me saying that just one person dared to tell me to my face «well, we're not working until you eat all that on your plate so I assume I should go get the clinical anatomy exams to grade here in the cafeteria»... she graded them all - 87 - and I still wasn't nowhere near finished with the plate. 

I am a survivor, it's been roughly 14 years since I began eating again - wish I could say properly but that is a heavy negotiation at best, but I eat and know I have to eat! - I still consider that I have an eating disorder, or two, you manage it for the rest of your life. you find the heart to forgive yourself for all the harm you have inflicted on yourself (oh the scars, they all tell a story) and then find the courage - it means heart! - to go on, find your voice and be.really.loud!

love & light, ana

on the cramped dark inside you

“God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of "parties" with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.” 
-- The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

thanks to Sylvia, i long ago learned that perhaps it is best not keep so much «in the small cramped dark inside you so long» ... not for other's sake, but for our own sake. one runs the risk of missing out on the very best parts of oneself ... not an option for me, not a choice i'm comfortable with making anymore ... 

PKD at (would be) 84

PKD would've been 84 today, but perhaps because his words are so present in my life - and as he said “The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use them.”  - somehow to me he never truly feels gone ...

“Because today we live in a society in which spurious realities are manufactured by the media, by governments, by big corporations, by religious groups, political groups... So I ask, in my writing, What is real? Because unceasingly we are bombarded with pseudo-realities manufactured by very sophisticated people using very sophisticated electronic mechanisms. I do not distrust their motives; I distrust their power. They have a lot of it. And it is an astonishing power: that of creating whole universes, universes of the mind. I ought to know. I do the same thing.” Philip K. Dick

shades, tones and variations

“…What is my life for and what am I going to do with it? I don't know and I’m afraid. I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And what do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited. Yet I am not a cretin: lame, blind, and stupid.”

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

all.the.shades.tones.and.variations.
all.of.them!

♥ sylvia ♥

via https://www.facebook.com/EnglishLiteraturePoetryBooksBookClubsMore

waiting to declare

the exquisite thought of the day: "waiting to declare": the moment after stabilization where you wait for others to declare themselves — their intentions and will — by words or deeds or lack therefore ... 

and in 2012 i got quite a few declarations, which rocked. hard. clarification is indeed a beautiful thing. 

i am grateful to some people for making my life and my decisions *that much* easier, as i responded to their declarations. i now some are not happy, but alas, you get what you give. and you don't get what you don't give. c'est la vie. the beach is ever changing and the world keeps on spinning. we all complete!

noise.sex.love!

on making out

«maybe making out for a few minutes would help us figure things out»

i stand fast in my firm belief that serious make out sessions are life's blood and make so many things better and are quite helpful. apparently i am not alone!!

to the couple who has this scribbled over their bed, you guys are my new found heroes and i fluffy heart you!! some people in the past did not share this belief, which probably explains why they are now 'exes' ...

a make out session a day keeps the life lively and with (fore)play ... do.it!!! 

on fluidity

«Identity is fluid» or  at least it should be. 

losing toxic 'old' friends & making new ones after you're 30 rocks hard (don't let anybody tell you otherwise). i should know and i do know this is true.

above all, dare to change. and please don't fall trap to the 'i can't afford the big changes so i'm stuck' ... truth is real lasting changing begins with truly small things, so enough with the excuses. 

if things are not enough, even if you can't pinpoint exactly what would be enough, just knowing what is *not* enough is an amazing place to start.

live life. we all complete, that is a given, so enjoy the ride, because despite the destination's certainty, there is no absolute truths about the path. what matters is what we do during our completion cycle.

many roads lead to the great path only the willing shall find their way. it is never too late to be exactly who you want to be.

noise.sex.love!    

please read «Most lives are lived by default» here: 
http://www.raptitude.com/2012/07/most-lives-are-lived-by-default/

«never let go»

powerful read and view!!

1st part of a three part segment story on a micro preemie. each segment includes a video, text and a photo gallery. being a preemie is rough, being a micro preemie is a whole other ball park altogether, a much darker and rougher ball park. i should stress that this is *NOT* for the faint hearted, micro preemies are very frail children and this might be too hard for some to watch. 

Lost and Found story here: http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/medicine/article1264963.ece 

see video and photo gallery and other resources on neonatal, preemies and micro preemies here: http://www.tampabay.com/specials/2012/reports/juniper/ 


------

2nd part of three part segment story on a micro preemie «Never Let Go» is up. again, as the first time around, i'd like to stress that this *NOT* for the faint hearted

the level of honesty at a NICU continues to be something i'm in awe of ... there's absolutely no bs in that department, too much is on the line. "Never trust a preemie" as harsh as that sounds, it is the best advice anybody can give to the parents of a preemie. it's about the seconds and the minutes, making long term plans can easily lead to heartbreak. 

The Zero Zone story here: http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/medicine/article1265497.ece

see video and photo gallery and other resources on neonatal, preemies and micro preemies here: http://www.tampabay.com/specials/2012/reports/juniper/

------

last part of Never Let Go is up, a three part story on the long journey of a micro preemie and her family as they navigate NICU. as before this is *NOT* for everybody!

but just as the previous parts, it's thoughtful and insightful into an area of medicine - and life - that raises tremendous questions: not just ethical ones, but life ones ... about the nature of love and attachment. so if you have the heart for it, you should read it (them all actually) and discover something about yourself.

Some might say this is too uncomfortable and scary and makes them afraid of making certain life choices. to them i can only say: this is life! stuff happens, that you can't always control, the only thing you can do is to ponder the possibility and decide whether you will take it on if it should arise. if you can't and wouldn't, then perhaps this isn't a choice you should make to begin with, because there are *no* certainties in life, except that we.all.compl

ete.

«To Do:
X Survive birth
Breathe (ongoing)
X Heal tummy
X Win over Tracy
X 1000 grams
2000 grams
X Off the ventilator
Off oxygen
Lose chest tube
Dissolve blood clot
Learn to eat
Acquire pony


Tom added: Conquer space and time» 

Baby's breath story here: http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/medicine/article1265977.ece

full story (3 parts), image galleries and videos here:http://www.tampabay.com/specials/2012/reports/juniper/

71 years later

today marks the 71st anniversary of the Pearl Harbor attack and perhaps today of all days we should strive a little more to consider bringing forth a new gaze and perspective on life, our planet and ourselves ... so that we can move on collectively as a species and draw the line at all sorts of infamies ... here's to a better world! 

please see Overview: http://vimeo.com/55073825

be careful

Be careful how you bend me
Be careful where you send me
Careful how you end me
Be careful with me

be.careful.with.me!

[this moves me to absolute tears. i am utterly broken down and rebuilt by this performance!]

[In Memoriam] STS-61B

our lady Atlantis in a flawless touchdown on December 3rd, 1985 at Edwards Air Force Base completing STS-61B ... this shot clearly shows the toll of all the reentries on her. the hull wasn't seared with so many reentry burns yet.

[In Memoriam] STS-61

today in 1993, launch of STS-61 from NASA's Kennedy Space Center.

this was Hubble Space Telescope's first servicing mission and our lady Endeavour and her amazing crew kicked some serious ass by nailing the mission that so many thought impossible. it was one of the most complex missions ever performed by a shuttle and its crew, clocking in at 11 days that tested both the shuttle and the crew to the max ... as usual, they went above and beyond, and in this particular mission, that is a complete and total understatement.

so, once again, i must say that in these troubled economic times some things continue to deserve support, because they contribute to an expansion of our minds and our wills. National Aeronautics and Space Administration - NASA deserves every single penny it gets, and its budget should be doubled, and should there be any doubts, all you have to do is take some time to see all the history behind this particular mission and the level of dedication everybody who works there puts into everything they do. even when all the odds are stacked up against them, they refuse to give up and continue to move forward, because that is how you expand this world: you.do.not.give.up!

figuring it out

beautiful, powerful read as always about persevering through what you *know* (even if nobody else does) is your path and remaining true to the song in your heart ...

[also, if i were ever to get married this would be me *every.fucking.day* «every day it gets a little easier and every day the doubt deepens and i look in the mirror asking myself: “who the fuck were you to think that you could make a marriage work? you’re too demanding. you’re too fast. you’re too childish. you’re too careless. you’re too selfish.”»] 

please read Amanda Palmer's blog entry 'Playing to Nobody' here: http://www.amandapalmer.net/blog/20121130/