in a few hours it will be 5 - five! - long years since I was discharged from my 6 - six! - psychotherapy course. I started therapy in early november and finished in late november. I've always appreciated that temporal marker. the way it reflects such a full cycle.
my remit at the start of the first session was simple: if I liked my therapist, if I felt we could work as a team, I would see it through no matter what. come what may, I'd only stop it the day she said it was time to do so. I acknowledged for the first time the absolute horrid mess I was in for the vast majority of my life and that my decisions and judgment in this area were not in my best interest as my suicide attempts clearly spelled out.
but discharge is a mere marker. the recovery process goes beyond simply saying 'you don't have to come here anymore. in fact, you will never ever need therapy again in your life if you stick to your «self».' like I was told.
in february of 2008, my therapist told me that the time had come for us to start slowly prepping my discharge; I daren't ask her when that would happen. my whole journey had been organic, so I suspected so would be the preparation for that moment. months came and went and one cold november day, the 27th, I waltzed into her study, we started talking and in the middle of that conversation, she took a deep breath and said 'this is it, ana' and started crying.
and I just knew, I knew I was going to lose my confidant, the person who knows me - still - like nobody else on this earth. the woman who through the many years between us stopped being just my doctor and became my doctor and my friend.
and I also knew that this was a good thing. this was a necessary thing. and eventually we would be able to move towards our friendship after a cooling off period that is necessary so that we don't maintain the session habits of me unburdening myself on her. we started doing that this year. and this year, I don't miss my doctor. this year, I miss my friend. so we're on track here.
she cried honestly, deeply and earnestly and I saw in her lengthy tears how much she cared for me. how much I meant to her. she is the one person who never failed me. in any form, shape or manner. but in that moment, I saw the depth of her love and respect for me. and I knew that come what may, she would always have my back.
discharge is a confusing time. there are no answers. you slowly start rebuilding and living a life that isn't ruled by depression and its dark impulses. when the vast majority of your life has been lived in those shadows this is no easy task. you have to reinvent yourself. figure out who you are without the depression thrown into the mix. but at the same time, you have to keep yourself in check because there is no cure. I'll always be fragile and with depressive tendencies. it's my natural blueprint and one that I have to work hard every day so that it doesn't take hold. my melancholia is fab, my solitude is fab. my depression and loneliness are heart and soul murderers.
there is no manual. you make it up as you go along. and as you change, people around you change. and after 6 years in therapy, I sadly found out that some clung to that to fool themselves into thinking that their life was better, because hey at least they weren't in therapy (but they desperately needed it).
so after discharge came the first wave of serious life upheavals. things changed. relationships changed. some people stayed. some people left. some people came in. I continued to sort through things. connecting the dots. crossing my tts and dotting my iis. figuring what had been lost. what I wanted back. what had been found. what was a keeper. and what had to go.
this sounds way more simple than it is. it's been years of one step forward. two steps back. 25 miles forward. a sudden halt during a long ass time. all of it necessary. and this year at last I arrived at the crux of it. it's not been pretty. it's not been easy. but it's been important. and I feel a «self» I hadn't felt in years. I got back parts of myself that I thought were long gone. they're not as they were. they're more refined and more reflective of me.
I have made my peace with the things that I cannot change. and I have worked hard to change the ones that I can change. but most importantly, I've fell in love with myself like there is no tomorrow. and it was about damn time.
sometimes, I falter. sometimes, I waver. sometimes, I quiver. but today. 5 years later. I am more me than I have ever been. I compromise on common ground but not on self. take me or leave me. I spent too much time and money to figure out who I am to cater to anybody else other than myself. this doesn't make me the most popular girl (I tend to be too direct and most don't like that). but this makes me brutally honest and somebody who doesn't play games. this security is to me a plus and an asset.
I keep changing. my changes are my own. sometimes they reflect themselves in my relationships. but it's not anybody else, it's me. and people either keep up or they miss the ride. they need to trust me, that if it's personal, I will always talk to them. so if I don't say anything. please. cut the drama and stop trying to make things about yourself. because that will end badly for you. nobody takes center stage in my life. and attempts to do so will not be tolerated. but what others do and think is out of my hands. and I'd love to say that I care. but the blunt truth is: I really don't! if people think something about me without asking me about it or after years knowing me, then they don't know me at all. and I'm better off without them. period.point.blank! good riddance.
I can't set my own pace according to other people's pace. and I understand that the past 12 months (I had an epiphany last november, on the 27th! thank you Indochine!) have not been easy for the people in my life as I am fully aware that I have been elusive, so to speak, but I had to take a personal journey and figure a lot of things out. this was necessary.
since the summer I could feel, sense that heavy doors were starting to be shut, as old halls had been neatly organized and I gazed upon old friends/demons that had to be put to rest because their time had come to an end. they reigned supreme for far too long. and right now they're a hindrance. remnants of a self and a life that no longer exists. and one that I wish to be rid of for good. because I want new dreams and new mistakes and new life.
these are times of ends and beginnings. and some ends require more than fortitude. they require solitude because what is been let go of is so personal, that nobody else will ever get it. that requires solitude. and there is no way to explain this to other people. you have either been there or you haven't. that simple.
the past months have given me a sense of closure. of a job well done. and I reach this anniversary on a completely different page. and I know I will continue to change. to grow. to evolve. and I also know I will fuck up. and I will restart. change direction. find new ground. work on being me. more truly and more strangely and more completely.
I remain a work in progress. at last a true survivor. a story that keeps writing itself ...
I am ana. I am 39. five years ago I was discharged from therapy. five years ago my life finally began ...
love from a broken woman working on her togetherness ;)
