26.5.15
on bridges
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." Bertrand Russell ... and then there are the ones you detonate with dynamite *bless us for knowing what is required*
going beyond one.self
"When we are in conflict we tend to make such sharp oppositions between ideas and attitudes and get caught and entangled in what seems to be a hopeless choice, but when the neurotic ambivalence is resolved one tends to move beyond sharp differences, sharply defined boundaries and begins to see the interaction between everything, the relation between everything.
(...)
I opposed subjective to objective, imagination to realism. I thought that having gone so deeply into my own feelings and dramas I could never again reach objectivity and knowledge of others. But now I know that any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others. If you intensify and complete your subjective emotions, visions, you see their relation to others’ emotions. It is not a question of choosing between them, one at the cost of another, but a matter of completion, of inclusion, an encompassing, unifying, and integrating which makes maturity."
Anaïs Nin
key phrase: "Any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others."
[distance.
absence of judgement.
contemplation of things as they are to make non-ego driven decisions.
understanding of one's limits/boundaries.
no mere re-actions to the actions and projections of others.
release.
acceptance of self and others.]
(...)
I opposed subjective to objective, imagination to realism. I thought that having gone so deeply into my own feelings and dramas I could never again reach objectivity and knowledge of others. But now I know that any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others. If you intensify and complete your subjective emotions, visions, you see their relation to others’ emotions. It is not a question of choosing between them, one at the cost of another, but a matter of completion, of inclusion, an encompassing, unifying, and integrating which makes maturity."
Anaïs Nin
key phrase: "Any experience carried out deeply to its ultimate leads you beyond yourself into a larger relation to the experience of others."
[distance.
absence of judgement.
contemplation of things as they are to make non-ego driven decisions.
understanding of one's limits/boundaries.
no mere re-actions to the actions and projections of others.
release.
acceptance of self and others.]
uncharted waters
hardest thing this year: not giving in to my old behavior patterns.
i decided in january to seriously re-educate my.self in how i act and how i react. easier said than done. most days i just feel like slamming my head against a wall to be honest to just stop the inner dialog that says «fuck it and just do it like you always did». but i was that girl, i don't want to be that woman.
previously i'd just walk away without bating an eye lash. "nobody walks away like you do, it's freaking scary" i was once told when i was 24. i went on to turn leaving into a freaking work of art and encoded it into my cellular matrix. it kept me safe and it also destroyed every.thing in its wake.
so, i ran. and i kept running. until i went into therapy and sat in front my therapist on our very first appointment and she took in the full measure of me as she asked point blank: "will you stay?! will you see it through?! will you call before trying to kill your.self again?! we need a template of commitment to this. i will be here if you are here too." ... and i remember looking around the room and wanting to run. but i realized i needed to stop running. i would die. so i swallowed every.single. urge and i said "i will stay." and i did. for her. i stayed. i saw it through. for her. and then eventually for me.
but old habits die hard. and this year, a lot of habits have to be burnt to the fucking ground. so i decided i was done with certain things once and for all. sometimes i feel that most people don't realize, appreciate or understand the effort that goes into this decision. but that's ok, essentially, i'm doing this for my.self, no.body else.
but every fucking day i have to silence that little voice that says: do it like you always did .... but i was that girl, i so don't want to be that woman. and right now, it was write this or have a moment and act like i always did. this is a reminder to my.self of whom i so don't want to be any.more.
*deep breath* ... let me go get a lollie ...
i decided in january to seriously re-educate my.self in how i act and how i react. easier said than done. most days i just feel like slamming my head against a wall to be honest to just stop the inner dialog that says «fuck it and just do it like you always did». but i was that girl, i don't want to be that woman.
previously i'd just walk away without bating an eye lash. "nobody walks away like you do, it's freaking scary" i was once told when i was 24. i went on to turn leaving into a freaking work of art and encoded it into my cellular matrix. it kept me safe and it also destroyed every.thing in its wake.
so, i ran. and i kept running. until i went into therapy and sat in front my therapist on our very first appointment and she took in the full measure of me as she asked point blank: "will you stay?! will you see it through?! will you call before trying to kill your.self again?! we need a template of commitment to this. i will be here if you are here too." ... and i remember looking around the room and wanting to run. but i realized i needed to stop running. i would die. so i swallowed every.single. urge and i said "i will stay." and i did. for her. i stayed. i saw it through. for her. and then eventually for me.
but old habits die hard. and this year, a lot of habits have to be burnt to the fucking ground. so i decided i was done with certain things once and for all. sometimes i feel that most people don't realize, appreciate or understand the effort that goes into this decision. but that's ok, essentially, i'm doing this for my.self, no.body else.
but every fucking day i have to silence that little voice that says: do it like you always did .... but i was that girl, i so don't want to be that woman. and right now, it was write this or have a moment and act like i always did. this is a reminder to my.self of whom i so don't want to be any.more.
*deep breath* ... let me go get a lollie ...
5.5.15
on the sea, the desert and the Meroë pyramids
"The desert and the ocean are realms of desolation on the surface.
The desert is a place of bones, where the innards are turned out, to desiccate into dust.
The ocean is a place of skin, rich outer membranes hiding thick juicy insides, laden with the soup of being.
Inside out and outside in. These are worlds of things that implode or explode, and the only catalyst that determines the direction of eco-movement is the balance of water.
Both worlds are deceptive, dangerous. Both, seething with hidden life.
The only veil that stands between perception of what is underneath the desolate surface is your courage.
Dare to breach the surface and sink."
Vera Nazarian (The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration)
The desert is a place of bones, where the innards are turned out, to desiccate into dust.
The ocean is a place of skin, rich outer membranes hiding thick juicy insides, laden with the soup of being.
Inside out and outside in. These are worlds of things that implode or explode, and the only catalyst that determines the direction of eco-movement is the balance of water.
Both worlds are deceptive, dangerous. Both, seething with hidden life.
The only veil that stands between perception of what is underneath the desolate surface is your courage.
Dare to breach the surface and sink."
Vera Nazarian (The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration)
Please read: The Forgotten Pyramids of Meroë
on going off script and losses that are not losses
go.off.script! brokenness and all!!
"People learn their roles and have their scripts. They wear their masks and play their parts. And the show goes on. Until one day, someone decides to stop acting. They remove their mask, they go off-script, and they change what has always been done. The problem is the people still on the stage, those who are still content living in their denial; they don’t like it much when one of their costars decides to stop acting. It changes things. It brings to light what we are all trying to hide from: reality. But it is the actor, the one who has decided to stop acting, who will win the award. Because she will stop playing the part that was given to her, and she will start living and being the person she decides to be, brokenness and all."
(...)
"I found that I lost a lot of people in my life when I came out from the shadows. But I also gained people who loved me for who I was and who weren’t intimidated by the baggage I carried with me. Embracing reality is key to making life what we want it to be. I am hurt, broken, scarred, and bruised. But I am beautiful, and today is mine for the making. With every step I take, I become more of a person living in love, light, and truth."
"People learn their roles and have their scripts. They wear their masks and play their parts. And the show goes on. Until one day, someone decides to stop acting. They remove their mask, they go off-script, and they change what has always been done. The problem is the people still on the stage, those who are still content living in their denial; they don’t like it much when one of their costars decides to stop acting. It changes things. It brings to light what we are all trying to hide from: reality. But it is the actor, the one who has decided to stop acting, who will win the award. Because she will stop playing the part that was given to her, and she will start living and being the person she decides to be, brokenness and all."
(...)
"I found that I lost a lot of people in my life when I came out from the shadows. But I also gained people who loved me for who I was and who weren’t intimidated by the baggage I carried with me. Embracing reality is key to making life what we want it to be. I am hurt, broken, scarred, and bruised. But I am beautiful, and today is mine for the making. With every step I take, I become more of a person living in love, light, and truth."
Please read: REMOVING THE MASKS WE WEAR
everything
“The universe is not outside of you.
Look inside yourself…
Everything you want,
you already are.”
Rumi
[Ph: Herb Ritts, Fishnet Tabard: Jean-Paul Gaultier]
on not being for everybody
"I'm going to get a drink," I said. I wheeled around and headed to the bar. I wasn't worried about being rude. I was done. I felt it right there—the freedom of not caring whether this person who didn't know me had disdain for me.
(...)
I'm no longer dancing for the shadows. I'm just a shot of whiskey—not for everybody.And so I close the door. I write these words. I don't click (...) to see what people think. In the silence—in the absence of all those voices—here is where I discover who I am."
life lessons. hard won. truth is, not everybody likes us. we do not like everybody.
another truth is that some people who used to like us will stop liking us, especially when they don't get their way. this has been my most prevailing experience in the past 6 and a half years. or so i thought.
however, the sad truth is that i was primed from childhood to endure that kind of behavior and that is why it was so prevailing. but once "you know, no!" started coming out of my mouth, things improved exponentially ... for me that is.
i am no longer doing cartwheels for people who need to get over themselves and get a life. those people will probably say i stopped caring and/or i'm a bitch and that's ok, they can say whatever they want to get through another day where they are not responsible for their actions and others are to blame, because they are not doing what they want. i doubt they never analysed their behavior honestly. but that is not my problem. my problem is not to allow such dynamics in my life. and i don't anymore.
plus, i know who i am and what my motives are. ask me what happened and i will explain it. but most just want what they want when they want it.
i know exactly when things changed, when i hit my limit (or so i thought) towards the end of 2012, i felt trapped in a spin cycle that was not my own and for my the sake of my sanity i had to set personal boundaries. and i did and it was like a huge weight lifted off me.
people don't have to change, they can remain in dark places, spew out negativity and/or give up on them.selves and blame life. they can even try to control others because to them that's what they want in relationships. *but* they can't expect others to comply, to want to be in that register, deal with conversations in those tones every time, want less for them. they can't expect others to bow down to their whims. and if those are the only terms that they can engage they should consider getting help because they are in trouble. also, selfishness is wanting others to act as we wish. i did get help and that made me aware of toxicity and my stability has to be foremost. and it is.
if and when some people want to engage in a different register, one that involves emotional honesty, i am up for that (others burnt their bridges and we're past that). but nobody else sets the tone in my life other than my.self and others don't have to like my tone (it's not their life, so their liking it really isn't a requirement) but they have to deal with the fact that i'm not bothered if they like it or not. i don't like a lot of stuff they do, but it's their life so none of my business. i have stopped wanting more for others than they want for them.selves. another hard won lesson. but somehow many think there aren't 2 sets of rules. but the sad truth is that when you're primed for certain insecurities, some will quickly learn how to prey on those and hello different rules.
last january i had a hardcore stress test. 2 people decided to overstep their boundaries and i discovered that i have changed considerably and there is absolutely no room for certain behavior especially when i have seen it before. as much as i respect people's feelings, implying that they must take precedence over mine is the line that one really must not cross with me.
i remain a work in progress but undoing this massive knot stemming from my childhood has been one of the hardest but also one of the most freeing things in my life. i have made some strides recently. it has been a rough time since my birthday but i am starting to finish the foundations of this new dimension i'm in and there's a carelessness that i have never felt that feels like the warm sun and sea breeze on my body as i sit on the beach. it feels like peace ....
please read: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE INTERNET HATES YOU?
(...)
I'm no longer dancing for the shadows. I'm just a shot of whiskey—not for everybody.And so I close the door. I write these words. I don't click (...) to see what people think. In the silence—in the absence of all those voices—here is where I discover who I am."
life lessons. hard won. truth is, not everybody likes us. we do not like everybody.
another truth is that some people who used to like us will stop liking us, especially when they don't get their way. this has been my most prevailing experience in the past 6 and a half years. or so i thought.
however, the sad truth is that i was primed from childhood to endure that kind of behavior and that is why it was so prevailing. but once "you know, no!" started coming out of my mouth, things improved exponentially ... for me that is.
i am no longer doing cartwheels for people who need to get over themselves and get a life. those people will probably say i stopped caring and/or i'm a bitch and that's ok, they can say whatever they want to get through another day where they are not responsible for their actions and others are to blame, because they are not doing what they want. i doubt they never analysed their behavior honestly. but that is not my problem. my problem is not to allow such dynamics in my life. and i don't anymore.
plus, i know who i am and what my motives are. ask me what happened and i will explain it. but most just want what they want when they want it.
i know exactly when things changed, when i hit my limit (or so i thought) towards the end of 2012, i felt trapped in a spin cycle that was not my own and for my the sake of my sanity i had to set personal boundaries. and i did and it was like a huge weight lifted off me.
people don't have to change, they can remain in dark places, spew out negativity and/or give up on them.selves and blame life. they can even try to control others because to them that's what they want in relationships. *but* they can't expect others to comply, to want to be in that register, deal with conversations in those tones every time, want less for them. they can't expect others to bow down to their whims. and if those are the only terms that they can engage they should consider getting help because they are in trouble. also, selfishness is wanting others to act as we wish. i did get help and that made me aware of toxicity and my stability has to be foremost. and it is.
if and when some people want to engage in a different register, one that involves emotional honesty, i am up for that (others burnt their bridges and we're past that). but nobody else sets the tone in my life other than my.self and others don't have to like my tone (it's not their life, so their liking it really isn't a requirement) but they have to deal with the fact that i'm not bothered if they like it or not. i don't like a lot of stuff they do, but it's their life so none of my business. i have stopped wanting more for others than they want for them.selves. another hard won lesson. but somehow many think there aren't 2 sets of rules. but the sad truth is that when you're primed for certain insecurities, some will quickly learn how to prey on those and hello different rules.
last january i had a hardcore stress test. 2 people decided to overstep their boundaries and i discovered that i have changed considerably and there is absolutely no room for certain behavior especially when i have seen it before. as much as i respect people's feelings, implying that they must take precedence over mine is the line that one really must not cross with me.
i remain a work in progress but undoing this massive knot stemming from my childhood has been one of the hardest but also one of the most freeing things in my life. i have made some strides recently. it has been a rough time since my birthday but i am starting to finish the foundations of this new dimension i'm in and there's a carelessness that i have never felt that feels like the warm sun and sea breeze on my body as i sit on the beach. it feels like peace ....
please read: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE INTERNET HATES YOU?
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