vantage point

ISS's view of Sandy ... in case some haven't grasped this yet: we are but mere guests/custodians of this planet, it's not ours to destroy, it's ours to protect and safeguard as it owns our ass!

image via Fragile Oasis - http://www.fragileoasis.org/ - facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/FragileOasis - 

Ridley

Ridley Scott is 75 today ... he has been changing me and my life ever since i was a kid, and for him i have all the love in the world ... some things and some people are just the right companions to have throughout life's journey!

on banging security

«@avflox HER: I noticed you're not following me on Twitter. HIM: Well... I don't need to. I'm banging you. In person.»


word!!!!

more people need to get this ... this was something that drained on my last relationship:  a cling film like attitude ...

if i ever - and i mean ever - have to explain to another guy in my life that gives me the speech of 'you didn't pay enough attention to me at a group dinner' or 'why don't you hold my hand EVERY time we're in public*' that he's being an idiot because hello, we fuck, i will drop his ass on the spot. and looking back that is precisely what i should've done.

democracy and communication sometimes are way overrated in relationships. sometimes what you truly need is a dictatorship of get the fuck out of my life and go annoy some other woman.

[* it was like 'seriously, have you met me?!']

on time, falling and flying

“Don’t give up. No Limits. It’s never too late to learn to fly.” —J. Michael Straczynski

[quote and image from http://herewecollide.com/post/36815144978/dont-give-up-no-limits-its-never-too-late-to]

it's never too late for anything ... not even to reclaim your life in the wake of a huge depression and suicide attempts, there are no limitations except those you impose yourself ... 

as Neil Gaiman said «Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.»

the fall i avoided for so long killed the version of me that was keeping me from learning to fly mid-fall, shame i only realized so late in the game, but i did, and allowed myself to fall hard, to die and to rise from the ashes! ... here's to new beginnings!!

[1463 days!]

Mecha Love

«Robots: more romantic than anticipated.»

but, but, but was there doubt about how romantic mechas are?! surely not! 

swoon.i.say.swoon!! :) 

via Disney/Pixar on facebook

1462 days

1462 days of stepping.into.the.light! 

i.am.a.survivor. 

depression.survivor.

suicide.survivor.

happy.is.the.little.things.

Moi je veux vivre, vivre, vivre un peu plus fort

Embrasser le garçon sur la bouche 

Et puis se mouiller 

L'emmener dans le fond du couloir 

Et puis se brûler 

être blanc être pâle 

Se rechercher la vie 

Se faire mal 

En se disant que juste après 

Juste après 

On n'le regrettera surement pas 

Juste après 

Moi je veux vivre, vivre, vivre un peu plus fort 

Embrasser la fille sur les lèvres 

Et puis decider 

Descendre pas à pas 

En bas de l'escalier 

Encore plus bas 

Ne pas savoir qui l'on va trouver 

Dans le fond 

Ce qu'est la vie, 

Ce que j'en sais, 

Ce qu'il faut croire 

Moi je veux vivre, vivre,vivre encore plus fort 

Et puis se sacrifier 

Et puis se crucifier 

Sans hommage 

Et puis rester cachés 

Les corps écartés sans espoir 

S'abandonner ne plus jamais 

S'en déplaire 

Juste en fermant les yeux 

S'imaginer ses dieux 

Nous on veut vivre,vivre, 

Vivre encore plus fort, 

Encore un peu...

4!

«Discharge» old lj note from 28/11/2008

«Might as well shout it out from the rooftops...

I got discharged from therapy yesterday, this means that I am officially fit and able to deal and handle with everything...Meant to say it yesterday, but just too emotional a time, long time coming, 6 years to be precise...

So, let me repeat it once again...I got discharged from therapy yesterday...and my eyes still water every time i say it...

Will talk about it a bit more after it sinks in...»

4.years.and.counting.

am.getting.there.every.day!

and.my.eyes.still.water.when.i.think.of.this!

can.not.believe.i.made.it.

can.not.believe.that.i.am.alive.

that.i.am.sane.balanced.healthy.happy.and.thriving!

life is not perfect, i am not perfect, but this feels like heaven when i look back at my journey!

4.years.and.counting!

bring.it!

lest we forget

«Why extremists always focus on women remains a mystery to me. But they all seem to. It doesn't matter what country they're in or what religion they claim. They want to control women. They want to control how we dress, they want to control 

how we act, they even want to control the decisions we make about our own health and bodies.

Yes, it is hard to believe but even here at home we have to stand up for women's rights and reject efforts to marginalize any one of us ...» 

food for thought about this speech: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/16/world/europe/16iht-letter16.html?_r=0

149 years

149 years ago today, Lincoln delivered what was to go down in history as the "The Gettysburg Address", it is a monumental brief piece of writing and, for me, it is what the gold standard standard in politics should be: talk less, do more ... 

***

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

see also: http://www.thevillagessuntimes.com/article/today-marks-149th-anniversary-lincolns-gettysburg-address 

family, flexibility, evolution and respect

"I don’t think a female running a house is a problem, a broken family. It’s perceived as one because of the notion that a head is a man. Two parents can’t raise a child any more than one. You need a whole community — everybody — to raise a child. … the little nuclear family is a paradigm that just doesn’t work. It doesn’t work for white people or for black people. Why we are hanging onto it, I don’t know. It isolates people into little units — people need a larger unit." Toni Morrison, quoted in Nina Power’s One Dimensional Woman 

yes, thank you! the world and society has changed, can we fucking become flexible and grow the fuck up already. what works for some doesn't work for others, drop the judgment and trying to tell others how to live their lives. i officially had a family,except i didn't and i still don't, so all those saying that only mom + dad works as a family and nothing else (just mom, just dad, two moms, two dads, mom+ small farm animal, dad + small farm animal, take your pick, go wild, be happy, healthy, stable and thriving, that's the only thing that should truly matter), get bent, get over yourself and your narrow minded, bigoted view and shut the fuck up already, you don't see me telling you what your life should look like, do you?! cheers, respect others! but i get it, it's not difference that is scary, it's the idea of others being truly happy in their own terms that really messes these hate mongers because they're truly miserable people, so nobody else is entitled to be happy either. fuck off already. it's 2012, evolve for a change!

also, 

interesting read http://thenewinquiry.com/essays/the-anti-family/

World Prematurity Day

regarding prematurity day, this is one of my fave networked blogs for issues related to preterms, they do a great job of networking a bunch of blogs from mothers as well as from doctors and other sources, it's a wonderful resource that is t

ruly a eye opener for those who don't know this reality. and what i really love about it?! it covers all realities, because preterm birth is intense in the west but in some parts of the world it's basically a death sentence and some people are fighting hard to change that: http://www.healthynewbornnetwork.org/blog?page=1

my advice for sobering life perspective and a reality check has been the same for over 14 years now: go stand outside a NICU for awhile. it.will.change.you!

life is not a race, it shouldn't be, life is about the little moments, the ones that add and add and suddenly make up your life. nobody knows this better than the parents of a preemie.

Jane and Harry: 1st Cuddle

(Jane and Harry photo from http://notevena.blogspot.co.uk/ for them all the love hanging in the air for their journey)
btw: i was a preemie! and so was my brother who is 43 today! both of us born in africa so the issue of preemies in areas with lesser care is close to my heart!

we.all.complete!

it's not the time, it's what you do with it! 

Age

Even the sea is put to bed.
Even the cliffs along the shores look both ways.
Even the blur of the leopard descends
unto the refuge of flesh.

Because the very nature of art is questioning
even your statements will draw answers back.
Flies turmoil about the afterbirth
my dog today neglected briefly to eat the pup.

Because you are at least so many people
what with your demons, your aspirations,
and all of the various ways you excel,
you cannot, should not be, swallowed up.
But still you must.

—Greg Kuzma, “Age.”

«Memoria»

J’arrive pas très fier de moi
Le pire est derrière moi
Je reviendrai tout recommencer
(...)
Je vide tout et je rentre chez moi ;)

the long haul

you guys, our lady Endeavour and the California Science Center need our help ... they're still in the process of building our lady's permanent home, for now she's housed in a temporary protective pavilion, but Toyota is going to bat for them with our help. for every tweet sent through their app, the center gets 50 bucks ... so think about it, it's free and you're helping our beloved space gal out. please share and let's get her to her home as fast as possible!

and in case you have forgotten, our lady Endeavour (aka NASA's baby) was the ship sent up to repair the Hubble Space Telescope  ... a mission very few believed in and thought possible but she and its crew pulled it off. so every single cosmos shot taken by Hubble that you gasped at it's because of her, so let's help our lady out!

so check it out here: http://www.toyota.com/tundraendeavour/#tweet-drive

o vader e o burgo

ver um gajo cá no burgo numa pseudo festa bimba vestido de darth vader com o logotipo de uma bebida alcóolica colado na frente do fato é das coisas mais tristes que vi nos últimos tempos, e estou a ser simpática.

aquilo que para uns faz parte de um dos pilares fundadores da sua personalidade e individualidade, para outros - com menos lá dentro - é uma coisa que, à falta de presumo talento/imaginação/criatividade, é usada e abusada para tudo e mais alguma coisa sem ter nada de nada a ver*.

das coisas boas do negócio - que espero que vá para a frente - da Disney com a Lucasfilm é que a Disney não tem grande pachorra para usos abusivos das suas copyrighted images pelo que espero que meta um travão a este forró e acabe com certos tristes espectáculos porque não há alma para ver este degredo ao vivo e a cores.

[*e também adoro os que se colaram à imagem do dark side quando nem sequer gostam do star wars, esses então são do mais asqueroso que há (e um dia expliquem-me os que caem no act e acham que há ali sumo e conteúdo, não é, tudo ali é apenas fogo de vista). é uma pena que confundam falta de carácter com dark side, é que se há coisa que não falta ao dark side é carácter e intergridade ao contrário dessa gentinha, mas enfim, eu percebo, é o nível que atingem, rasteiro, rasteirinho. small people, small minds, small lives.]

Life or something like it

«For the past few days I have felt a bit unhinged, it's to be expected, this time of the year is never easy for me, but this year maybe because so much changed over the course of the past few months, I felt it a bit more.

The fact that it coincided with Easter did not help as inevitably a line was going to be drawn in the sand, one that I would not cross. As expected the initial mention of 'I'm not going' led to the usual tantrum, emotional blackmail attempts and, lastly, whining by the parental units. But said line was drawn and eventually all more or less blew over (nothing really ever blows over with those two, it gets tabled to be mentioned later on, whatever, I'm so over it, I don't care anymore).

This week, despite the massive workload, I decided to go see somebody I wholeheartedly trust, who was also there for most of the ride, she wasn't there right at the beginning as was my therapist, but she came into my life shortly thereafter, and I credit those two amazing women with helping me navigate the stormy seas of my depression. I had to do it all by myself, but it was nice to know I wasn't alone. I needed her input because it hit me that something was never discussed. Our talk helped me. She is right, the time for certain steps, certain actions and certain ends has finally come. It's not easy or particularly pleasing but it feels right and moreover it's the right thing for me. I'm ok, but I guess the time has come to fully close certain chapters.  While I was working today, I missed my old blog entries from back in the heyday of the depression and therapy. That is part of who I am, and with each passing day I do realize everybody has been right for the longest time: I'm a writer. So today I really need to write this, I think the time has come to finally lay this to rest. Especially because the people who fight to be a part of my life - the good and especially the bad - deserve this moment as I did not give them the possibility to be there for me back in the day. I say this especially for Lara, as I thought that I had already told her a long time ago and when I realized last week that I hadn't, I was gutted, as she was someone who protested big time about the absence in the bad moments. That some people are made of other stock - like me - and are in it for the fight, the showdowns, the moments that make up the fabric of life, the ones that create bonds that time and space cannot break. and she deserved that moment and I think I could've used her back then. You live and you learn.

11 years ago this Monday life changed, better said, my life changed. Completely. It spun on its axis into a total tailspin. Sadly I'm sorry to say that for 2 years after that I tried to carry on as if nothing much had changed, except for that one thing. I approached the whole ordeal the same way I had approached things ever since I could remember until then: I just kept going, someway, somehow and always at a massive personal cost. That cost, all that I lost along the way, what bled out of me, I wouldn't realize or comprehend until much later.

The truth of the matter, at the time, I just couldn't stop. I had to keep on going. No matter what. That's what I did and in the span of 3 years I tried to kill myself twice, that's how well that went down! Good times! That was not new, finding ways to hurt myself was a hobby of mine for the longest time, and the first time I tried to make it all stop I was 24 at the height of all my early academic accomplishments or so everybody said, funny thing I did all those things and just drowned more and more every day, but I'm super proud of those, I challenged myself and pushed the bar higher every day because I had to keep on going, I just couldn't stop. 

Funny thing is it took somebody else nearly causing my death accidentally in my early 30s for me to discover something truly amazing: I really want(ed) to live! How's that for a kicker. But suicide for me was never about quitting (those of you who have access to this and know me a bit better know that quitting really isn't my thing, quite the contrary), it was always about exhaustion and being so utterly run down. I just wanted things to stop for awhile I couldn't catch my breath, I was running on empty. and it took a diagnosis of profound depression spanning over 20 years at the age of 29 for me to realize it was ok and normal to be that exhausted and run down. This wasn't some random spell, it was the majority of my life. But some way, somehow, I just kept on going in a truly spectacular fashion, the majority of the people never even had a clue something was so terribly wrong with me. The way I saw it and still do, I guess, it was my burden to bear. Mine and mine alone. Yes, I know, let others decide, but when you grow up the way I did, filling others in on stuff that could potentially give them leverage to hurt you some more is not considered to be an option. [Have I mentioned I have trust issues?!]

So life changed drastically and I just kept on going. I adjusted my life to the necessary change that came from that shattering moment. Dusted myself off and carried on. Because I knew that if I stopped, then I would be engulfed by the darkness that had always surrounded me since I was a child and somehow managed to keep at bay long enough to excel at practically everything I set out to do (things did not go so well when I failed to see the point of bothering with stuff...oy vey! Actually that still hasn't changed, but let's not go there!). If I stopped, after running for so long, the sky would fall on me, I would hit total rock bottom (which in all fairness I did, as life implosions go, mine was pretty spectacular! If you're going to do it, just do it big and in style!) and I thought I just wouldn't be strong enough to pick up the pieces and get up again (or so I thought! Boy, I so did not give myself enough credit, what a dingbat!).

But above all, I would have to say out loud, to face the fact that I had no family, that I never really had a family. I mean I have a family, we talk, but at the end of the day I'm fully aware that it's not real, it's not mine, I don't belong, I never did, they made sure of that since day one. I'm what they got, not what they wanted. I'm fully aware that I'm so not what they thought they were getting when they heard "it's a girl" but to be fair they are so not what my idea of parents is, so I think we're pretty much even. Eventually our relationship boiled down to an uneasy truce between two domineering and controlling parental units who wanted life to be exactly as they wanted it to be and a child that never ever gave in, bent, broke or waved since roughly the time she could talk.

For the longest time I went about it the wrong way, I remember being really young and I couldn't figure out why they didn't love me and I tried so hard, too hard, I only got more and more disappointed and I lost too many precious parts during that time. I now know they do love me just not in the way I need(ed) them to. It is what it is. Then one day, I think I was about 12, it just didn't matter anymore. I started doing things for myself. That didn't go over too well, but the stubborn kid had become this teenager with a backbone that would make anybody stand into attention so we made our uneasy truce.

Things didn't really change much but the tactics changed and looking back I see how much more destructive the game became for everybody involved, especially for me, I took the biggest hits and I suffered the biggest losses. But again I was just a kid and trying to not lose sight of myself. Today I would have made different decisions and gone about it differently, but I'm not the same person and it's easy to be hard on oneself with the benefit of hindsight, but the truth of the matter is that I was just a kid with 2 insane parental units who are seriously whacked more often than not. I did what I had to do, the only choice I thought I had at the time: I kept going.

Years went by, I continued making my decisions (it helped that said parental units pretty much didn't care about my life or me). I noticed that the ones that made me the happiest, were the ones they were the nastiest about. To this day, whenever I'm happy, it's like a personal offense to them. Have I mentioned they're a bit whacked?!

So, when the first post grad program came about everything just spilled over, that coupled with a serious relationship (we lived together for 3 years), just made them seriously unhinged and the truce came to a screeching halt ... the showdown I now think was waiting in the wings since the day I was born suddenly materialized, and I should have seen it right then for what it was: the opportunity to finally reclaim my life, deal with the depression I got more or less from them and move on. Well, to my credit, I did seize the reclaim my life bit, the other parts I wasn't so smart about. Old habits die hard, I guess, and I was trying to fix things myself. I thought I had managed to sort of fix myself along the way (don't even say it, depression is a disease of mainly lack of perspective and boy was I out of it at the time!).

I remember that day, I woke up and I just knew my life was going to change, and I think I made my decision then and there, even before I got out of bed. and life did indeed change that morning. Thanks to my dear friend and our lovely talk this past Wednesday, I realized something this week, it's time I forgave myself for not promptly saying 'i'm sort of seriously fucked up, I need help' then and there. I didn't and that's that, whatever came out of it or didn't doesn't matter anymore. Not one bit. I am who I am today not because of one thing or another, I'm the sum of all things: fears, failures, pain, suffering, sadness, successes, laughter, hopes and dreams and so many other little things that are good or bad but which just are in me and I cannot conceive me in any other way. I'm the result of my journey and that's that.

I also realized that hearing my parents' say they would rather see me dead than happy in my own terms has hurt me a whole lot more than it does now. It's time I start working on filing it and putting it away. It'll take some time but I'll get there, I know that now. I don't think I'll ever forget, it's not the sort of thing one forgets, it's one of those wounds you put some padding over to protect and keep from opening up again. But I forgave them a long time ago. As much as I was just trying to survive and keep going, I think they were also doing the same and had a really bad moment, which cost them any and all connection with me. They have already paid (and are paying) their price, I didn't see the point early on of making them pay even more and that is why we still talk (even though sometimes I think I really don't need the aggravation!). But the truth is we talk but they don't know me or anything about my life, and that is how it's going to be, I can't trust them. I don't think I ever will. That's ok, it is what it is...

This week, I realized I also need to thank them while I still can ... I wouldn't be me if it weren't for their whacked out ways. It would have been nice to have gotten to be a child, but that wasn't in the cards. That's ok I didn't do so bad. I grew up faster than anybody should which sucked at the time but now I see some of my friends struggling to grow up and I'm grateful that I had to do it so soon.

It made me incredibly strong and wise beyond my years (granted it also gave a lot of trust issues, but hey that's what therapy was for!). They gave me my work ethic, my kick ass eclectic musical taste is a reflection of their own, my awesome taste in perfumes I owe to my mom and her love for scents. My passion for books I owe to her as well and at 37 I'm more than appreciative of the fact that she let me spend my 9th summer going through her entire agatha christie collection (although I'm not so sure that is what I should be reading at that age but everything else kinda bored me, so I guess she was stuck and she was spot on, and it helped me become a master at unraveling movie plots!).

I'm grateful for their total disregard for conventions and allowing me to see every single piece of sci-fi that came on at an age that most kids were watching cartoons, especially for letting me watch Alien so early on! As much as I love(d) Star Wars seeing Alien was a total rock star moment compared to seeing Star Wars! I thank them for my Marvel figurines, especially the Wolverine one which I hounded them for ages to get, somehow those are still around (even though my nephews are destroying them, but whatever, I'll just get niftier ones!).

I thank them for the space shuttle legos. Every single little girl around wanted a doll for xmas and I wanted the space shuttle legos and that is exactly what I got when I was like 10 and I so loved them for that (I think that was the year they finally gave up on the whole girlie girl thing! I got a kick ass big house construction set with wooden pieces the following xmas). Of course they made a point of giving away most of the toys I loved by the time I was 13 and kept the ones I hated (no comments, I think that pretty much says a lot) which didn't go over so well with me (seeing as every single toy my brother ever had was safely held on to), but hey 13 was a nifty bday, they gave away my bday cake to somebody else for a party, so, good times, heh?!

My point is, it's easy to focus on the bad, especially when there's so much more of it than good. But there are good parts, I learned resilience, passion and commitment for what you do from them. I learned how to take responsibility from their inability to take any in regards to their somewhat constant fuck ups! I think some of my chameleonic traits in regards to work come from them. The fact that I love a challenge I also see in them and in my brother too. My love for architecture and interior design I also owe to them. Their passion for knowledge and culture and all the books around the house, how I thank them for that.

I don't dwell much on the past, spent 6 years in therapy retracing my steps and how way led onto way and how i found myself in the abyss of depression. I know how I got here and that is enough for me. I don't really think about how I wished things had been different. They were what they were and they are what they are. But some things have got to be said and let go of and I guess that is what I realized these past few days...

11 years ago I should have stopped and finally taken care of me, but I couldn't, for so many reasons that now seem so silly and pointless. But even that decision got me here, so I'm grateful for it. Above all I couldn't deal with the now inescapable reality that I officially did not have a family so to speak, that I would have to take care of me (along of just about everybody else). How I wish I had realized that I had been taking care of me all along and that would be just fine and I would figure it all out. Just like I did and just like I'm doing now.

The other day somebody said 'you take care of just about everybody. I have always wondered who takes care of you?!' without missing a beat I just said 'I do!'. Some days that feels just a bit exhausting (and a tad lonely) but more often than not I just feel proud, I went to hell and back again, I know myself in ways most people will never know themselves. Also, I really, but seriously, like myself! I'm now working on letting people in, it's not always easy but I'm working on it...I guess so many of you never knew what went down, and now it doesn't matter, but it should be said, because I am more than ok, and others should know you can recover from anything in this life. You don't stay broken forever.

And family became something else completely different for me, more encompassing and far more rewarding, it's not about blood relations, it's about the people you chose and those who chose you to share a life and a connection.

11 years ago next Monday I thought I was going to be broken forever ... 11 years later, I'm kinda fixed ... not all was good, but not all was bad!» Saturday, April 23rd, 2011

on judgment

thoughtful opinion ...

sadly a troublesome issue remains imho: from afar Obama's first term seemed to reveal a moment in time where for the first time ever in US history, Senate was more bent on not allowing the - duly elected - president rule than thinking about the country, it was a sad affair to watch. the senate maintains its republican stronghold and as they concluded in this article they might not have learned enough smart lessons to change (see all rape references in the senate campaign for proof of that) ...

can we just let people do their job?! can the country be more important than small petty politics and narrow minded bruised egos?! can one look back at FDR and realize that good ideas regardless of provenance are more important than party idealism ...

can we fucking move on?! and in so doing give a clear sign to the rest of the world that politics - of hatred above all - need to fucking change and that once elected people are there to service the people, all of them!

please read: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/nov/07/us-elections-barack-obama-editorial