letting

pause.

peering back at the world

peering back at self.

pause.



the past week since my birthday came in some ways with a pause button and in others with a chaos button.



but i am finally reaching balance and pause and peering is slowly starting to be a possibility.

to pause.

to watch self and the world.

to listen to self and pay attention to patterns and discern clues about what is coming next in my life.



my energy therapist keeps stressing the importance of being in the now and of being in a state of love and firmly within the light.


my frequency therapist keeps stressing the importance of being in the now and of being in a state of love and firmly within the light.



so the only things (are they clues?! i think they are obvious facts that we lose sight of) i am sure of in this particular moment in my space-time continuum are:

- to be in the now.

- to listen.

- to look and pay attention to self and to those who matter (they will always reveal themselves to you).

- to love.



i made a decision last april and renewed my intentions last august.

and then i made another decision to embrace my.self and choose my.self first and foremost.

to work on balance before throwing myself in harm's way.

i chose to work on learning to be in the now.



to find my way back to meditation and deep listening.

to pay attention to a state of love.

to pay attention to my.self.



the journey has been hard ... the past week threw me for a headspin and yet at the same time people who know my inner core looked at me and did not see the chaos, they saw the serenity within, the commitment towards a journey to a different shore.



the difference: i see my.self in old ways. and they see the newness in me.

this just hit me in a flash (we.are.the.light.) and i suddenly realized how perspective (or lack thereof) is everything.



i can focus on my [old] chaos and assume i'm in the same place or i can celebrate all that i worked so hard to change within me and all that i *know* i have achieved since august.



i have been easing into a life in the now. learning to let go of a past that can no longer be changed and not worry about a future i cannot control.

i have listened to my.self more than i ever have in my entire life.

above all, i have respected that voice and that has kept me safe.

i have loved and been loved.

i have paid attention to the inner.most.light.



perhaps because this feels still such a remarkable feat for somebody like me who knows what it is to break and shatter into a million pieces that it takes me so long to acknowledge my own most exquisite and deepest, lasting changes.

this also happened when i was in therapy.

i was told i had changed and i only noticed it myself when it was an inescapable reality.



but this is also not remarkable at all.

this happened - and will happen always - because that is always possible when we allow/let things happen and embrace both the process and the journey.

not for others, but for our.selves!



saturday night i made a decision.

last night i made a decision.

today i made a decision.

i am letting.

it's all i can do.

more importantly, it is what i want to do.



i am not perfect.

my life is not perfect.

some things i can pull off brilliantly.

others not so much (i tend to not care about those to be honest).

i am my own absolute worst enemy.

and i just realized that i've had it with fighting my.self.

life is too short.

i know that, i am lucky to be here and i know that with each passing breath.



i want to be in the now.

i want to love.

i want to pay attention.

i want to keep in my mind's eye the newness of things, the moments of pause and respite, and the beauty surrounding and within me.

and it is plentiful.



i want to celebrate that, and - as unafraid as i was when i made the far reaching decisions i made last year and early this year - to continue to let go of all that drags me down.

there's a glorious beauty in that.

it is the beauty of the unbound self.



i remain a work in progress that is doing life in all its ups and downs, twists and turns.

and i think i need to remind my.self every day that there is so much that is possible.

but so much.

if i allow it.

if i let it.



it is one of the few things that is truly within our hands.

to do life.