the journey vs. the commute

«You get to decide for yourself what the things that happen to you mean; and at certain junctures, you are given the opportunity to reimagine your life’s trajectory to make it a journey instead of an everyday commute.» Maxx Caicedo

Breath of Bones

I just finished the last installment of Breath of Bones and and, i must urge once again that you get this!

as i mentioned before, this 3 part mini-series should be on everybody's radar that is into quality writing and unexpected treasures. it's one of the best things i read in recent times. the art is delightful, the writing is poignant and personal. impossible not to love this. so, what are you waiting for?! seriously, tell me?! this one is one of those truly classic series and it's still up for grabs so go, go, go!

order details on each link:
#1: http://www.darkhorse.com/Comics/22-772/Breath-of-Bones-A-Tale-of-the-Golem-1
#2: http://www.darkhorse.com/Comics/22-773/Breath-of-Bones-A-Tale-of-the-Golem-2
#3: http://www.darkhorse.com/Comics/22-774/Breath-of-Bones-A-Tale-of-the-Golem-3

On speech and battles

«But one thing I didn't fail to do was to pay attention to everything I endured, so that I could help someone, anyone, to have a more tolerable experience in their own fight.»

this ... this right here is why everybody who has faced and/or is facing overwhelming fights needs to speak up ... you're never know who you're going to help and/or who might come to help you ... always.speak.up.because.you.are.not.alone!

my decision to be verbal about my mental health struggles was a non decision. from the get go, once i made the decision to call the woman who would go on to become my therapist, i also decided that the person who always said «i'm ok. everything is fine.» had to go. i would not have my depression hurdled at me as some sort of veiled insult and i would not have anybody whisper about it behind my back. they could talk behind my back but no whispering, this would be a owned truth. after decades of lying about my burden and a spectacular life implosion, i had done it all, i had tried it all. except for absolute transparency (although the absolute entry on suicide was never published because after i wrote it, i felt such unbearable sadness that i realized it had to be written but it should never be published.)

some people never understood it (it's now a handy tool for accessing people. if they're uncomfortable with somebody else owning up the darkest truth about their life, and the one that changed you, they're not worth the time!) ... but over the course of the years something amazing happened ... i saw the effect, felt it, that this ownership gave to others. i've seen some people giving the first steps to owning their voice and their story, and realizing this is doable. that you can overcome. and all it took was to hear 'you're not alone' ...

so ... whatever happens ... speak!

please read: How a Car Accident and Cancer Taught Me Different Things About Mortality

flawed love

"Where the myth fails, human love begins. Then we love a human being, not our dream, but a human being with flaws." Anaïs Nin (The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 3: 1939-1944)

Lust

so, this arrived this morning ... as some of you know I have been long *lusting* for this but as with all things precious, the first moments should be spent in silence and away from the world and that's why I am only now mentioning it, late at night ... and these are just a few immediate thoughts, the piece needs a few more passages and thought. and I fear I won't even begin to do it justice with this.

right off the bat, I can tell you that pictures do not do the material and the book itself justice. it is indeed a work of art and content. there's a delicate balance at play throughout that truly elevates the narratives: verbal and visual alike.

those who know me a bit better know I don't like easy, accessible things and Lust delivers brutally on this front. in case somebody might be missing the point, let me further clarify: this is a good thing! it's one of the most combative pieces I've had walk into my life in a *long* time. it requires - nay, demands! - time and multiple passes. it is in many ways the embodiment of a commitment. you get as good as you give. and if you don't commit, it's just not going to happen.

also, another thing that struck me: there is no clutter, verbal or visual. the whole book is essentially the definition of A game for each person involved. thus, it's no wonder I found myself thinking a lot about the theory of omission on my first pass. it was an instinctive thought and one I couldn't shake as I walked away to let that first pass sink in. this is rare and something which very few can pull off. but it's there. for me, it was in every page. in the underlying security with which the subject matter is handled and the way it was negotiated that allow for all involved to truly let the crux - Lust, in this instance - to shine through. in this fashion, their deep and complex approach to a vice that is usually reduced to its mere surface value and never fully explored as a more complex entity and the power of which can be harnessed to propel the person to greater heights is never overdone. as the sorely missed jhonn balance of Coil once said «...it just is!»

«If a writer of prose knows enough of what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them. The dignity of movement of an ice-berg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water. A writer who omits things because he does not know them only makes hollow places in his writing.» Ernest Hemingway

I also felt it deeply in another aspect of the book: its dignity. these are not shallow, empty, surface driven thoughts about the vice which is perhaps the most over simplified of all of them. this is a work that sets its aim a lot higher, and makes no apologies for its high standard. it's deep, soulful, intentional, thoughtful, inspired and inspiring. the kind of book that you will find yourself quoting or picking up over the years. it is timeless in so many ways. 

this is the beginning of the Vice series, which I consider to be one of the most exciting publishing projects I've seen in awhile, but this, is not for everybody and I suspect that unless you're haunted by some aspects of life and self that some of the aspects of this endeavor will never reveal themselves fully. I guess that's one of the reasons 44Flood's projects in general have resonated so much with me, they have led me back to places I thought were gone from my sights. it's always nice to find other people asking some of the same questions and negotiating their journey in such a creative fashion, because they help me on my own journey. and as some of you know I am constantly questioning self, especially my self, that has seen quite the journey and here I am at another stage of it.

and I can't wait to go through each volume and then to go through the whole series as one piece because I suspect that will change quite a few things for me. but for now I will need more time with Lust, to fully step into the worlds put forth and to inspect every corner of it as well as my own mind in that process. and this is how you change, how you grow and how you evolve. I negotiated 6 years of therapy through art; it saw me through the roughest moments. it kept me together at moments when I thought there would be no stepping out from that darkness. from the get go, my amazing therapist who quickly read who she had in front of her, was adamant that art, literature, music were my lifelines and they should not be given up of no matter what. I gave up a lot of stuff to pay for therapy, but some things were always around. and when the time came and she pushed me to get back to post-graduate studies because she felt research was an important part of me and I needed to get back to it. and in case you doubted how amazing and committed my therapist was: as a testimony of her amazing heart, she forewent her fees for me to pay for post-graduate studies, because I couldn't pay for all of it. this is how important art is to me.

last year found me out of sync with my own internal pace post-discharge from therapy, it's not that I stopped researching, it's that I stopped asking myself some questions in the wake of a detour in my life and i set certain passions aside. i mistook the background noise around me with my life and that was a mistake which has been corrected.

but all things have their reason and their own time, and I know now I needed to get lost once again, because in that space in between I ran into new things that have led me to sorely missed places of my inner life. there was a fractal moment: the vice series announcement. it came at a very difficult moment (as in, i missed out on the kickstarter because being a freelancer means that sometimes your life isn't your own in some ways, but it so is your own in others) but it was a game changer and a wake-up call. and that is the power of art and when you find art that speaks to you, that's the rabbit hole you need to go down.

as most know, kindness and gratitude play a big part in my life. so, heartfelt thanks to 44Flood for breathing life into this project and putting it out. my deepest appreciation to the collective that is Steve Niles, Menton3, Ben Templesmith and Kasra Ghanbari for this work. It is appreciated, it is loved and it makes a difference. looking forward for the remaining volumes.

also, I really have to thank Tyler Crane at 44Flood for all the replies, the information, time and attention about any and all things related to orders. he's a real gem! 

Lust/Menton3

Lust/Ben Templesmith

Pentimento

«Old paint on canvas, as it ages, sometimes becomes transparent. When that happens it is possible, in some pictures, to see the original lines: a tree will show through a woman's dress, a child makes way for a dog, a large boat is no longer on an open sea. That is called pentimento because the painter "repented," changed his mind. Perhaps it would as well to say that the old conception, replaced by a later choice, is a way of seeing and then seeing again.
That is all I mean about the people in this book. The paint has aged now and I wanted to see what was there for me once, what is there for me now.» Lillian Helllman (Pentimento)

in my life as in her book ... change ... pause ... take stock ... and then move on! ;)

a sense of wonder

i wonder sometimes if the people in our life who opted out of loving us properly like they were supposed to do knew in advance of the brutal effects of their actions for the rest of our lives, if they knew all that would they have behaved differently?! 

what they make us live with. what we bring into each relationship that most people don't. what is destroyed decades later by the seeds of their ill loving. the ongoing cycle of destruction just because they couldn't get past what they wanted and tuned into allowing us to thrive exactly the way we are. 

above all, how they effectively have made connection with another person the most painful and complicated thing in our lives. and it's not fair that from the get go the game is rigged and that what already isn't always clear cut and easy becomes essentially like living in a landmine filled area. for both us and the other person. and the courage it takes to tackle that ... 

i wonder sometimes, if they knew then, would it have mattered?! would they have changed?! would they have dared to love us properly ... or it wouldn't have mattered at all, and they would have done it all just the same.

now, it doesn't matter, it's too late now ... it's just all so sad ... what gets lost, what gets damaged still in the wake of their path of destruction ... and the energy we need to have to constantly keep that lingering darkness out of our lives and not let it affect our present and our future ... i don't think some - most?! - people understand what that it's like ...

but the alternative isn't a valid option, too much has been destroyed, too much has been already taken from us ... enough now. so, we show up, and rise and rise again. and it's not always easy, or pretty ... but it is!