more than enough

"in love, there are no whys, hows, wheres... no questions asked... you are just thankful it came, even if it weren't yours to claim.. it still arrived at one point in your life...
...and that is more than enough."

WORD!

Do it!

An all too important question: «Ask yourself: What really matters?»

wreckage

«All lives have wreckage. The trick is making the broken pieces fit in some new way.

What works in life is the same thing that works in writing:

Show up every day - sober, sleeves rolled, and full of hope as a child.»




in "An Open Book", The Education of Max Bickford

Random but not scattered

random excerpts of a conversation:

- in the end, what counts is what you make of the life you are given!
- You think so?! Even after all that's past, after all that's gone before, can one dream that such a possibility?!
- but of course! if anything, all that's past and all that's gone before will only add to a feeling of overcoming, a transcendence of sorts. does for me! but i can only speak for myself, really.
- Not sure it's that easy.
- it's as easy and as hard you like. up to you, really. up to everybody, really.
- You really are Death of the Endless, do you know that?!
- you do realize she's an anthropomorphic personification of sorts conveyed by a graphic medium, don't you?!
- Only you to nitpick like that.
- not nitpicking, clarifying.

[3!]

27th - 3 years to the day since i was discharged from therapy ... 


1st year - hot mess!
2nd year - messy but getting there!
3rd year - seriously went for broke and just dove in! became patient, serene and truly focused. happier than i ever thought i could be. enjoyed the first good continuum of time in my life.


i am so, so blessed, grateful, and, above all, appreciative, of (my) life and myself. this is not lost on me ... every single step ever taken that led me here, i wouldn't be me without the bad stuff and i really, really seriously dig me, so in the end, it was all worth it. quoting Amanda: «Fuck yes. I am exactly the person that I want to be.»

[i remain without assigning blame nor bitter. damn proud of that!]

Second chance

this, yes, this, i could have said this, i and i have with these words and others, so many times, so glad other people know and say these words as well: «I am thankful for second chances. Deserved or undeserved, but truly given without reservation. Given to me and to others, but most importantly, the one I gave to myself.»


the second change i gave to myself = finally getting my ass in therapy 9 years ago in November [discharged with exceedingly flying colors on 27/11/2008, take that profound depression spanning over 20 years!] 


«I did. And right now I am profoundly grateful for just my life.» i also could have said this, and i have with these words and others, so many other times, so glad other people know and say these words as well ...


Second chance is a always a heartbeat, a breath, a moment's away ... around the bend ... so take that first step ... now!

In Memoriam (a year later)

[written a year ago]

Just sat reading Gen's eulogy for Sleazy ... it's beauty, poignancy and above all open hearted honesty resounding from the computer screen ... this is not easy, losing people you so admire, who movingly changed your life without your paths ever crossing on a personal note (but Sleazy did send me the 'ape of naples' cd in the mail on Patrick's behalf a few years ago and i shall forever be in awe of that moment)

Reading Gen's eulogy made me think about my life, its path for the past 23 years, i was an odd child, became an odd teenager and i do believe my 20s and 30s are still a manifesto to oddness ... some things remained, some things have been there from the beginning, and reading Gen's words it all just seemed to click and make perfect sense.

As you all know i have no musical prejudice, if it moves me in the slightest, i'll give it a go, barriers and limitations make no sense to me, however, i am aware that some things for the most part are nothing but a brief foray into another forest, meadow, garden, it's not my natural habitat, nor shall i stick around, i'll come for brief visits, but i dwell some place else.

And lately given all the massive changes in my life and upon reading these amazing words, life spun on itself and clarity was achieved. Most of you, the closest ones, know exactly what makes me tick musically, what, regardless of whether i speak of it or not, holds my heart captive, and Gen's intensely and fiercely emotional words resonate with how i express myself and life in all its aspects.

And i don't think this is a chance accident, the people i am most in awe of are really real, honest, open minded, delightfully insightful people, who see life on the other side of happy, who express themselves with their hearts on their sleeves, being just who they are ... i don't think it's a coincidence it's their music that still haunts me, that makes the most sense to me, that speaks of my heart and my soul in their most stripped down and exposed, open book manner. i think i am a fan because we hold these truths about life to be self evident, and i cannot reside in fake dwellings.

Perhaps this is why certain types of music never made sense to me, never clicked, this transcendental human element that i need to make the connection from my soul to the soul in their music is lacking, and without even realizing it, i naturally formed these attachments back in the day, went there, looked for what made sense and when everybody was listening to silly unimportant things who have since been engulfed by the waves in the oceans of time i was listening to things that have stood the test of time in their unabashed brilliance.

Always ahead of their time, and thus paying the price for that defiant act, and their actions taught me to hold my ground and be myself no matter what, cuz you really can't be anything else (way too much trouble!).

They will never know how a very lost young woman sat in a dark room and heard Jhon's voice booming and saying 'who will deliver me from this body of death?!' and felt safe and protected and understood ... they shall never know what it was like to hear the how to destroy angels remix cd for the first time. how i bought that the day i came down to lisbon for my interview for my first masters, how my life would change so radically after that, how through all the chaos, loneliness and confusion, their music kept me connected to a safe haven, allowed me to drift off, shatter into a million pieces and come back again unto herself, different, changed, but with some pieces intact, through it all, they always made sense...

At the height of the chaos of the depression, music to play in the dark vols. 1 and 2 helped me get through many nights, me fighting the urge to try and kill myself again, i still feel a lot of my love for scores comes from coil's instrumental tracks, i've always loved instrumentals, but with their stuff, that was just further strengthened.

Above all, for them it was all good, you could be whomever you wanted to me, it was never, we're too cool for this or that, it was we are who we are. I remain in awe of all that they were, of how they approached their flaws and their obvious strengths, above all, i remain in awe of their music. 

So this is me, where i'm at, how i feel about life, and all the changes that i underwent in my life this year were not only inevitable due to all the changes that i initiated years before when i went into therapy, but also nothing but a prelude to this much more complete human being i am interweaving and in the process of getting to know ... above all many of her parts were achieved thanks to the music of these people and i shall always be grateful for ... everything!!

Jhon's death was hard, i never for a second thought we'd be losing Sleazy so soon ... the world is losing these profound human beings, who openly admitted to their flaws but not too easily to their overwhelming qualities, and i wonder what shall be left when all of them are gone, cuz i look at music today and this kind of heart is not so easily found anymore ... the waters they traveled in aren't for all and now the world is a far poorer place without them to at least say 'by the way, there's an ocean here!'

I have finally found the heart to listen to the rest of the ape of naples, no more new jhon and sleazy music to discover and finally i have made peace with that, and the silent tears that streamed down my face spoke of all the sadness in the world that comes when we lose people who dared to simply be!

My all time fave song (not many are able to list it) opens up with Jhon's voice, so he shall forever be with me, Sleazy's constant contribution to my life goes beyond his musical and video output, but is spiritual outlook on life (and his amazing quirky sense of humor even in the face of death and suffering [now tell me, doesn't that remind you of somebody you know?!? hehe!!]).

Recently Sleazy had this to say in response to a concern about his health: "We are all only temporary curators of our present bodies, which will all decay, sooner or later. In a hundred years or so ALL the humans currently alive will have died. I take great comfort in knowing, with certainty, that thing that makes us special, able to enrich our own lives and those of others, will not cease when our bodies do, but will be just starting and new (and hopefully even better) adventure… If we don’t get to meet in this Life, maybe in the next you can buy me a beer!"

David Tibet also shared a moving email Sleazy sent him about the loss of a dear friend and lSeazy's amazing views on life (and amazing sense of humour) also shine through, above all his peace with life, time and all the convulsions in between shine through:

«Hi David

Commiserations about Sebastian Horsley.

Although you and I are probably both physically and scholastically many many miles apart, I hope you feel as I do that the part of him that made him so wonderful – his Soul if you like, although the words are different here – is not lost in the same way our temporarily custodianed bodies cease to useful any longer when we die.

In whatever way or whatever form or on whatever “bardo”, the spark that really made him so special will continue to beautify and enlighten future generations somehow. 

I know it’s horrid to have someone you love, and love the company of, snatched away (especially unexpectedly) but to quote one of Geff’s improvised lyrics “I am not here… I am here!” 

You will always be able to bring the Sebastian that was, to mind… unless you are gaga, in which case it won’t matter for long ,-) 

(...)

Why not “be here now”? :-) 

Allmylovesleaz»

So tell me, why not "be here now"??

Much love, light & cosmic kisses, ana

quotes from:

http://www.copticcat.com/news/163/56/IN-MEMORY-OF-PETER-SLEAZY-CHRISTOPHERSON

http://stereogum.com/586592/the-first-five-minutes-after-death-various-artists-remember-peter-sleazy-christopherson/news/

I have to drive

I finally caught up with a dear old friend, it had been years since we last saw each other and it was in a stage that I'd best describe as prelude to change, that eerie calm before the storm ... everything that went down over the course of the past 3 years felt so odd but at the same time so natural, such a natural flow of life, my life that is. 

My only question for awhile had been always the same ... why didn't I do this sooner?! Heaven knows I wanted to, but kept putting it off. Now it feels silly and stupid, and I've sure as hell revised that policy, but you keep giving people ample chances to prove you wrong, to be somebody else, to become who they could become with some effort, to be better than who they are. 

Most often than not though people opt for the easier path, they willingly opt to be less (and are less every day when they do that, if only they could realize that). This used to bother me, now, I must say I take in strides and just care very little, it's their party and they'll cry (eventually) if they want to.

We briefly (have better things to do with my time than to dwell in the past) discussed some people who exited my life in the meantime and he just said "well, you really turned a page" ... over the course of this week, this simple statement kept on making its way to my thoughts, it's burning and undeniable simplicity truly ringing in my years. Since, as a rule of thumb, I really try not to look back or dwell in the past, this sort of puzzled me ... until I noticed the dates, in a few days (on the 27th actually) it's going to be 3 years since I was discharged from therapy and I look at me then and me now and it's not polar opposites in some ways, but in others, we are complete and total strangers.

Took me awhile to adjust and adapt to a life outside that barren wasteland that I knew so well (that in some ways was all I knew), in that free fall abyss that as much as it took from me also gave me much more than I could wish for. I am stronger and wiser, I truly know myself inside and out, which is more than the vast majority of people can say, and my breaking points, well, they're in a class all its own. 

As much as some (so many, too many perhaps at times) things are pulverized, destroyed and shattered in the wake of a profound and lasting depression, when the dust settles, if you're lucky enough to survive with your core intact and have managed to regain your connection with yourself, you start to see the gifts from that long journey through the dark ... the strength, the courage (it means heart), the clarity of thought and perspective, the self-esteem and self-respect because of your endurance and fight! The way you get to know yourself and all the depth, the worlds, the possibilities, the potential that lies within ... because if you can endure, survive and thrive after all that, there's very little you can't do in this life. 

But it is essential that you decide to show up and fight for your life, to reclaim it, no, better said, to take charge of it, to reinvent it (as in the state that it was and is, it cannot and will not hold) ... to fully survive means to fully accept how rock bottom you've hit, that you probably need help to sort through the whole mess (nobody is going to do it for you, you have to do it for yourself, there are no two ways about it but one needs an outside perspective when ours has become corrupt and tainted) and to walk the path, many roads lead to the great path but only the willing shall find their way.

I spent 6 years in therapy, it was the longest running commitment in my life, one I decided I would back out of when I started it (you have to see it through, there's also no two ways about it). If I hit off with the doctor (I did!) I would see it through no matter how hard it was and how bad it got ... so many times I wanted to quit, to boycott it, to stop messing about with my very own Pandora's box ... but I had made that vow and I kept to my word. 

I was discharged and told there was nothing I couldn't handle, deal and/or face in this life. This was earned through blood, sweat and tears ... it didn't fall from the sky, those who want that, who want to reach the finish line without walking the path shall never be survivors, but merely the walking wounded, empty human vessels that discarded themselves.

It's been almost three years since my discharge, my life is far from perfect and sometimes still feels too messy, but that's ok, compared to what it was this is a blissful walk in the park, and I am stronger and wiser beyond my years ... at 37 I finally got to know what it is like to experience a good moment in one's life, and perhaps because of all that I went through I don't take anything for granted, especially myself ... so, contrary to popular belief, everything I do is thought out, I am not cavalier with my actions nor my attitudes, but I've become far more chivalrous towards myself , there's far less tolerance on my part towards certain behaviors. Not of other people nor mine (demands begin with yourself) as I know that some things you can't fix, you can only learn to live with them and work (always!) to prevent them from ever taking hold of yourself and your life again!

So, yes, over the past three years, especially, during the course of the past year or so, I really turned a page in my life and it feels just right and beyond amazing! I am fully aware that my strength, the one that saw me through over 20 years of a profound depression and kept me sane is also the one that helped me get through therapy and finally have a - my! - life and it is also that strength that keeps me on my toes and aware of my life and into changing and evolving and never settling for anything as is, as there is always room for improvement. Over the course of the past year I became this serene and patient person, quietly and discreetly happy, I never in my wildest dreams thought this would be possible, but it was and is!

Today is International Survivors of Suicide Day! I am one & can only say this: you don't stay broken forever, show up & fight for your life!

Changes

"'I'd like you to meet the woman who has changed my life', he said."

- Your, what was that?! 

"Oh, your LIFE. And she tipped her head and smiled."

"After all, she might have said this was an ordinary occurrence. People change other people's lives every day of the year. There was no call to make a fuss about it."

[and then a meaningful look was exchanged -- one that understood that lives will continue to intertwine.]

«book excerpts in italics from Anne Tyler's Saint Maybe»

To live fully ....

George Gray

I have studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me --
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire --
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.




by Edgar Lee Masters (1868–1950).  Spoon River Anthology.  1916.

The road ahead

Lately, I've been thinking about science fiction, well, not really about it per se, but about us, those who live and breathe it, who feel it at a cellular level. Those like me who seemingly negotiate the vast majority of things in their life through sci-fi. The thing about us is that we're people out of space, time and rhyme. We're in this space-time continuum but it's not an easy dwelling as in our heads it's never quite the same, we're not really here, nor there, we might be everywhere, but that everywhere is perhaps more of a 'neverwhere', I suspect.

More often than not we're either bastard children or orphans, it's not an easy life to be outside of one's time. To think not about what is but about what could be, what might be. To constantly  feel one step ahead and seeing the world around the bend and to think about so much more about that «possible» world than the one we do inhabit in. But I do feel more strongly now than ever before that we have to think about it before, it's that previous negotiation that prepares all the others for what lies ahead. But there is a price for that, but I still feel that the alternative is far worse, and I'd rather live outside the norm and negotiate a possible new and better world than to aimlessly dwell in an empty, unprepared one.

Thing is when I look around at our world  - and for the record, these random, scattered thoughts derive mostly from cinema! - I see the impact that sci-fi has had over the course of the past 3 decades, how it changed and shaped our daily lives [the cinema industry was completely revolutionized by sci-fi movies and their breakthroughs and yet somehow the Academy thinks it can keep on ignoring this oh so vital genre (District 9 was only nominated because it is a profound and meaningful commentary on social issues, not due to its sci-fi aspect)]. All too often I still feel like we are 'kepéla' - standing on opposite sides of the river - and it's growing tiresome.

We are the people not on the front line but rather out on a very lonely limb. A limb in which creation gives rise to worlds, cities, societies, wrongs and rights, possibilities of order or unrest, utopias, dystopias, anarchies and chaos, art and technology, people and creatures, mechas and orgas face each other and the terms of this multitude of possible alternate realities are slowly negotiated (we all know - sadly - how much people don't want to face and/or deal with things).

I personally believe that this negotiation, this facing of some possible realities is something that has to be done beforehand. This is how mankind's future is established and interwoven (yes, I do believe that's the main benefit of sci-fi ... deal!). Possibilities are presented for our consideration and paths can then be tried out, safely and without wrongful harm, prejudice or persecution. This kind of experimentation within the realm of arts offers us - a species so prone to mistakes - the possibility to try out possible scenarios and avoid mistakes down the line.

Sadly, at the dawn of the 21st century I still detect some snobbery towards the genre - in all its various fields - which is a shame, because I feel most of the time that some of the very best I see around has come into our world via sci-fi and as we stand on the shoulder of giants, we should pay tribute and respect to those who dared to dream worlds that came to be and whose thoughts gave rise to massive changes. This is who we are, this is what we do ... we are here now dreaming of what lies next as this world is not enough for us ...

(!)

I dreamt xenomorphs ...

Off you go...

...so, it's been awhile, years actually, 3 on the 28th, but i just didn't feel like doing the whole date thing to kick start this ...

i sort of know why i stopped writing (life changes and inflows being what they are), but now all those reasons seem foolish and immaterial and no longer hold any power for that state of affairs to continue, so i'm finally getting around to this, as i need to get my writing routines and discipline above all in gear. there is no life for me without words and i feel too much time as passed and now that i find myself on yet another unknown beach, this feels more sound and the right step to take.

not sure exactly of the path or the journey that will ensue that step, and i would like to say that i care or that it matters, but in fact, it doesn't, not knowing is part of the thrill of the ride and since i always seem to take the long way home, i'm expecting and hoping this will be at the very least interesting.