on ends and beginnings ... 2014 led me through a trial by fire and hard - but ultimately necessary and unavoidable - decisions meant i had to almost fight a war within myself. this was not new to me and the past 12 years spelled out to me that I could change myself (everything has a purpose. sometimes it's just preparing for battles to come).
as i journeyed on and embraced sound/frequency therapy i realized sound (ha!) held the key for a personal victory over my insecurities but even that realization brought me no comfort because I had no idea where this journey would - and will as it has only just begun - take me.
I slowly felt that things were falling into place - even as i watched the rest of my life being pulled asunder - and that the heavens are mindful and sometimes you get not what you want but rather what you really do need. as i found the fortitude to cut ties and not relapse and let toxicity in again i understood that i finally didn't give a flying fuck what others say or think when they clearly cannot read where i find myself or understand where i am coming from. my own voice and mind are enough as i know who i am and what i am doing. i don't need to be understood.
through the past few months as i began working on deconstructing the final tethers to old ways, i saw and felt that the cosmos *really* does listen and that to free our.selves and our.dreams we need to let go of any set beliefs in order to make room for the vastness of the possibilities within.
I allowed everything to become a lesson in itself and thus I have grown, evolved, changed and developed in ways which feel unfathomable and are immeasurable if i think back to where i was on this day a year ago.
but this journey does not happen in a vacuum. it has demanded relentless and tireless effort, diligence and work on my part. but the journey - especially the inner one - has been amazing. i met and got to know better amazing people whose self allowed for the better parts of me to manifest themselves more accurately.
as some people drifted in, others drifted out and some got bogged down in the periphery through their own entanglement due to personal issues, fear of/inability to change and incapacity to see others as they are and not as they want them to be (this is all somebody else's problem, not mine and being held back by other people's issues isn't an option) i saw how the universe aligns to manifest its intention for our lives and provides the meaning we need should we choose to listen or to shine a light. as much as switches can turn on the light that will illuminates us, we can remain in darkness if we don't choose to flick said switch. i have seen darkness and it always reminds me that i do not wish to lose my spark and my light so as i flicked the switch i could not turn back and that, as they say, is that.
I feel like i was beaten, battered, tested, used, challenged and pushed to the limit but i was also allowed to discover absolute joy, bliss, elation, thrills and allowed, ultimately, to be wonder- and awe-struck by the real blessings in my life that allowed me to overcome such dark times with grace, love, serenity, peace, understanding and empathy. this is because the cosmos conspired to put all that i really needed within my reach ... and i mean the amazing friends who decided to embrace the whole of me and stand by my side through the good, the bad and the ugly.
the upheaval of the past year and the magnitude of a single decision to cut ties with my parental units created its own momentum and dynamics which would, in turn, manifest and change all my relationships because it altered the way I view the world, people and relationships. radical perhaps for some, simple and effective for me, it has all become very simple for me in that area.
yesterday and today were somewhat bizarre, but i understand now that it was a funeral of sorts, a necessary mourning period to transition into something else as i can no longer go back - nor do i wish to do so!
I feel that in regards to my perception of what is - and not - possible everything is unambiguous for the first time in my life. I know what i have to do in what is most important to me - my soul and spirit - and it does not involve having things half attempted or partially resolved anymore.
i felt yesterday as if i had been put through the ringer in 2014, but in a strange way everything and more came full circle and it was necessary for me to set my.self free at last.
I know that some will continue to try to break and pull me down. it doesn't even register. I've had worse and i survived and somehow i find myself closer to my own light within than i have ever been even if i have to allow myself to descend into sorrow to find it like i allowed myself today in order to move on. simple.as. period.point.blank.
the journey shall continue, where to i have no idea but that's fine by me ...
[Eurydice One by menton3 ... aka do.not.look.back.]
