free [your] mind

freedom is a state of mind

[Let your mind go free by ~blade-bd on deviantART]

different backyards

seriously ... the whole mother's day - and father's day - spam is nauseous ... the view from my backyard is different ...

«I've always wanted a mother and father -- a family -- people to love and accept and nurture me, for whom I could do the same. We all do. From a very young age, I knew I didn't have those kind of parents. But it took me 20 more years to realize -- or rather, to decide -- that by hurting me, my mother and father had forfeited their claim to me, and their place in my life.

Here are the moments when you wish you had a mother: At the obstetrician's office when you get pregnant for the first time and find out there's no heartbeat; years later when you fly across the country for one costly, all or nothing round of IVF; when you finally have your baby and are holding him in the NICU. At your wedding; When you buy your first house and try to fix it up; At your first bookstore reading; When your husband's research makes it into the newspapers; When your son has his first birthday; His fifth; On the first day of kindergarten. When the writing disappointments come; When marriage gets hard; When you and your toddler have the flu and your husband is in Finland or Hong Kong; When friendships end. A mother [and a father *my edit*], yes -- what I wouldn't do for one. But not mine.»

excerpt from "Estranged" by Jessica Berger Gross

simple truths

“I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. If we don’t vibrate on the same frequency there’s just no reason for us to waste our time. I’d rather have no one and wait for substance than to not feel someone and fake the funk.”

{Daphne Guinness by Markus + Indrani for Tatler Hong Kong}

without vs. with or how art matters

for those who don't care about art and don't see it's point ... a comparison of a world without and a world with art ... now tell me again how it doesn't matter ...

Louvre Museum: La Grande Galérie abandoned during World War II

Louvre Museum: La Grande Galérie today

fierce, fragile and free!

You get lost, you fall down, 

You get up, you get found, 

You find the lifeline you left yourself 

Made a promise to no one else: 

You will be fierce, you will be fragile, you will be free. 

let life happen

“I wish that you may find patience enough in yourself to endure, and simplicity enough to believe; that you may acquire more and more confidence in that which is difficult, and in your solitude among others. And for the rest, let life happen to you. Believe me: life is right, in any case.” Rainer Maria Rilke

[photo: Old San Juan2. all copyright pennyfelts.https://www.flickr.com/photos/pennyfelts/13023415584/ &https://www.flickr.com/photos/pennyfelts/]

on darkness, shadow and light play

you wake up and in a matter of hours your blood family is gone. like in the past, you shrug it off. *just.keep.moving.* you think ... but that was then. this is now. i am *not.alone.*

nearly 14 years ago, i had a few friends who helped me when i suddenly found myself homeless, with no job, but hey, i was enrolled in a master's in arts (and i kept attending it). but i kept the onslaught to myself mostly for a long time. so i didn't have this. i didn't allow it. didn't let people in, close, shoulder what i perceived was *my* burden and my reality. it was what it was. and that was that.

but that was then. this is now. and, even though i am officially a family of 1 ... since yesterday, i have discovered that unofficially i have more love in my life than blood family (at least mine) could ever match. and i think in the end that is the ultimate backhanded slap to those people. letting love in and seeping through my life and help me wash away all the pain.

i have no words to express how grateful to every single person who has stepped up and made sure i knew s/he was here to stay. i carry you in my heart.

i have no words for my soul sister, Lara, who makes sure i don't lose myself from myself *every.day.* but especially at this time with gifts of pure love. *not.alone.never.alone.* i love you soul sister!

thank you all for helping me retain my grace during this period.


my gift of love today: soul sister, to me you are light

leaving wreckage

«Sometimes we leave behind the wreckage of our lives. And we move on to find ourselves again. @argonautphoto» ... this was the very first thing i saw online today and it brought me great peace.

i will spare the details because i'm over giving attention to lesser behavior. but essentially as of yesterday i am cut off from my parental units. this has been a long time coming, and perhaps it should have happened 14 years ago (oh the peace i would've had) ... there is no blame to be assigned, as i feel this was pretty much inevitable however it came to happen.

and i feel no guilt at the line that i drew yesterday after yet another moment of being utterly and shamelessly disrespected in my.self. and in my.story. i forgave one moment of absolute insanity and disrespect. i will not forgive another. because, simply put, they will do it again. and i've had it. i'm done. i'm over this.

my sole response to another moment of madness was 'ok' and i hung up the phone (this is how the world ends: not with a bang, but with a whimper. i kept thinking) for good. i *know* who i am. they can say and think whatever they want. it has no effect and no hold over me. i saw it clearly yesterday. i no longer care and don't have time or energy for people who do not celebrate my true, authentic self. who want relationships to be run solely on their terms. i almost feel sorry for the next person who even thinks of dictating terms and conditions in our relationship - whichever the nature of it - because i will promptly cut that person off. welcome to the 21st century: ana's had it.

i am strangely at peace and feel free, untamed and unbound. perhaps i should say that i am sad. but the absolute truth is that i am not. this feels in some ways like a mere formality. i've never really felt like i had parents and ever since they kicked me out and wished me dead, i might have forgiven them but there was a massive divide there that i would never allow them to step through because i knew i was all fake and given the opportunity they would have a similar behavior. and i hate to be right, but here we are, nearly 14 years later having an encore performance (surprise me people, for fuck's sake surprise me).

i wish them all the best, but i also understand that i cannot have them in my life anymore. so, last time around, eventually i forgave them. but that was then, this is now. i'm a different animal. and there's no coming back from this. we're incompatible. all i feel is relief because they take up too much space in my life and it's just negative energy. i'm done here. i forgave too much. i endured too much. i'm 40. my life needs to be run on different tracks and i can't keep enduring their special brand of love.

since the beginning of the year that i feel that i'm letting go of a lot of baggage and making room for new better things (for every single thing that exited, a new better one came into my life). well, yesterday i lost the biggest piece of baggage i've carried around since i was a kid ... and all i can say is 'good riddance' ... time to live. time to love.

photo here: http://instagram.com/p/mchQ6Slutn/

she night

Là, tu vois, j'ai le sentiment qu'autour de nous,
Plus rien ne sera comme avant

[change.is.inevitable! embrace.it! especially.when.you.and.life.have.already.changed!]