the mantra of mantras!

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am." Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

the mantra of mantras: so that one doesn't forget that I am alive, I exist and I am myself.

not yours and so not lost ...

"I Am Not Yours"

I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love -- put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.

Sarah Teasdale

home

[home.is.where.i.stand.]

«we all need to find home

and

it isn’t a house
but it can be

it isn’t a cafe
but it can be

it isn’t a relationship
but it can be

it is a space you must define

and only you know what it is

and only you know what it looks like.

i don’t have any songs for you….
i’m not sure where they are

i’ve only written two new songs in the past two years.

all i have for you right now is this blog.

it’ll have to be enough.

i’m homeless right now.

and i need to get home.

i want to get home.

i have to get home.

i have to get home.

there’s no place like home.

that’s where the music comes from.» 

[longing.to.belong.because.i.need.to.find.my.music.]

please read Amanda Palmer's blog homelessnesslessnessless

Carroll

"I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
"Too proud?" the other enquired.

Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," she said, "that one can't help growing older."

"One can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but two can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."

in Through The Looking-Glass: And What Alice Found There by Lewis Carroll (on his belated birthday)

fyi: this is *my* Alice book ... and one day i shall go back and finish what i started, Alice deserves that i do so!

et 1, 2, 3!

‎[ ♥ ]

Et 1, 2, 3, Alice est née dans un endroit 

Un endroit qu'il ne fallait pas 

Et 1, 2, 3, Alice au pays des étoiles

 

Mais c'est qu'ici il n'y a plus de place 

Pour qu'elle puisse grandir davantage 

Elle n'avait juste qu'un ennui 

C'est de comprendre les jours de pluie 

Mais je suis la

on life and eating disorders

«An eating disorder isn’t something you get over, like the common cold. I can’t escape my disorder. I live every day knowing that I am just one skipped meal away from a long slide back into anorexia. It means I never skip meals, not ever. It means I don’t own a scale or count calories. It means I buy full-fat yogurt. Accepting my biological predisposition to starve myself has been the one thing that keeps me sane.» 

there is no cure. there is management. and in acceptance of your dark past there is the promise of a new life ... not an easy, picture perfect one ... but a life just the same!

it's one day at a time. i'm in remission for a long time now, but i know that i just like an alcoholic, i am - for the rest of my life - a recovering anorexic and bulimic. and you know what?! that's ok, i can live with that, it does not bother me, haunt me or pain me (as much, forgiveness for so much harm that i inflected on myself and on my body doesn't come easily) anymore. what was killing me was not being able to recover!

please read: http://www.doublexscience.org/i-am-mental-illness-anorexia-biting-back/

Virginia

“I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me.” 

Virginia Woolf (The Waves)

i have made and remade [i keep doing so still!] myself in the shadow of your words, Virginia. Happy birthday, splendorous woman, thanks to you i always remember to appreciate being myself, whilst solitary - and in silence - before the bareness of a coffee cup itself. 

respect.love.tolerance.

«All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.»

Thomas Jefferson First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1801

on success

‎"The people I consider successful are so because of how they handle their responsibilities to other people, how they approach the future, people who have a full sense of the value of their life and what they want to do with it. I call people successful not because they have money or their business is doing well but because, as human beings, they have a fully developed sense of being alive and engaged in a lifetime task of collaboration with other human beings -- their mothers and fathers, their family, their friends, their loved ones, the friends who are dying, the friends who are being born. Success.. is all about being able to extend love to people... not in a big, capital letter sense but in the everyday. Little by little, task by task, gesture by gesture, word by word." - Ralph Fiennes


i love that i have in my life people who like me - at a cellular level - know what truly matters in this life

love & light. in the end, only love matters, only love remains!

«Read Indeed» initiative

read it, share it, donate a book ... http://www.readindeed.org/

on loss and freedom

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." - Tyler Durden

hitting rock bottom and/or dying temporarily free you in ways you can't imagine ... 

for the rest of your life you shall have a sobering perspective and a calmness when you're facing difficulties. it's not that things are not bad, they are, but you had so much worse that you deal with things and they can't phase you anymore ...

on siblings

sometimes, being the younger sibling means giving your bone marrow. other times, it's taking a car ride home and saying to your older sibling «i know you can do this! don't doubt yourself! and by the way, i'm here for you!» ... life shall resume ...

[and now i think i need to get a shot in hot neon wigs with my brother, somehow i think it'd perfectly encapsulate our insane lives!]

please read: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/01/17/life-interrupted-brotherly-love/

the power of goodbye

the lyrics to this song apply to so much in life and talking with a dear friend just now i realized that some things, some relationships, some actions are now effectively over and done with in their old incarnation. and that feels, in one word, right! and that's all i need to know!

if there will be a new incarnation in some cases remains to be seen, but i won't stand here and say that i care enough to make sure that there is one. truth is, i don't. i did once. that time has come and gone and so have i. if people put in the time and give me reason to change my mind, fine. but it won't be the way it was. sorry, that bridge has been burnt to the ground and some lessons you really only need to learn once!

"The Power Of Good-Bye"

Your heart is not open so I must go

The spell has been broken, I loved you so

Freedom comes when you learn to let go

Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn

I was your fortress you had to burn

Pain is a warning that something's wrong

I pray to God that it won't be long

Do ya wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try

There's no place left to hide

There's no greater power

Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go

The spell has been broken, I loved you so

You were my lesson I had to learn

I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose

There's no more heart to bruise

There's no greater power

Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye

I yearn to say good-bye

There's nothing left to try

There's no place left to hide

There's no greater power

Than the power of good-bye

There's nothing left to lose

There's no more heart to bruise

There's no greater power

Than the power of good-bye

Columbia at 10

today it's been 10 years since our lady Columbia's final launch ... she was heavily battle scarred by this last launch, her entire hull was seared and she truly embodied the expression «workhorse of the stars».

however, her SSMEs still had the best burn of all the gals, her way of showing us all that it wasn't the years nor the mileage. gorgeous launch and there was no way to foresee or prevent the tragedy later on. godspeed ... she.is.missed.

it still feels surreal to be without the complete fleet!

death: the great egalitarian

"When the first living thing existed, I was there, waiting. When the last living thing dies, my job is finished. I'll put the chairs on tables, turn out the lights and lock the universe behind me when I leave." 

Death of the Endless 

the road

‎"Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you.
You must travel it by yourself.
It is not far. It is within reach.
Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know.
Perhaps it is everywhere - on water and land." 

Walt Whitman in Leaves of Grass

optimism

optimist.

yes, it's a choice.

loss and forgiveness

Neil Gaiman talks about losing Cabal ... i cried - long and hard - i wasn't there when Leão, Rex and Holy each died and i still haven't gotten over that ... i still feel that i failed each one of them in a terribly manner, like in the end i too abandoned them. and i still haven't forgiven myself for that ... i don't think i ever will.

some people just love better. that is just the way it is. and some animals help us get to that state of grace. http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2013/01/the-power-of-dog-cabal-2003-2013.html

Cabal

Niel Gaiman's dog Cabal has died, and suddenly i have memories of survival ...

the first time Neil Gaiman wrote about Cabal he finished the blog with «I think he's probably a survivor too.» 

it was April, 30th, 2007 and i was still easing into the concept of being a survivor. i hadn't even begun discussing the possibility of a discharge in therapy. but i had been told quite often that i should not forget that i was a survivor, that i survived, and that was a wonderful thing, and that deserved a new life. i deserved a new life ...

Neil said: «Some animals are survivors. (...) I think he's probably a survivor too.»

yes, some animals are survivors, and that's a wonderful thing, they deserve a new life.

and some people are survivors, and that's another wonderful thing, and they/we/i deserve a new life.

it.gets.better.
show up for your life and reclaim it*.
you.are.not.alone!

*while you're at it, show up for a surviving animal's life and reclaim it! :)

[here: http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2007/04/some-animal-thoughts.html ... 
and see here for what a before and after of a rescue looks likehttp://journal.neilgaiman.com/2010/06/this-is-way-cabal-fortnight-ends.html]

on self-respect

"To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves--there lies the great, singular power of self-respect." Joan Didion. Yes.

you wouldn't believe the difference that self-respect makes ... your self-esteem might be in shambles, but if you still have self-respect you end up protecting yourself from more blows ...

what matters

‎"Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters that you don't just give up." Stephen Hawking

infinite perspective

one of my fave night time activities: cup of tea, sit on the garden steps, take some time to bask in the night sky ... perspective/clarification: it's a wonderful thing!

on past, future and change

"The past does not equal the future." — Anthony Robbins

too many forget this ... you decide who you want to be. what you can live with and not live with. it's a choice! it's (y)our choice ... so get to it.

[the beach is ever changing]

i am here ...

«It feels a bit early, a bit raw really, to do any kind of review/revue of this incredibly hard and challengingyear just yet.

But I am feeling a strong need to PASSAGE, really and truly. Tonight. I am ready to cross through.

So in the interest of making this day a door, I will skip some stones with love.

What do I want to remember about 2012?

That I made it.

Not: “made it” in terms of success or (blah) goals. And not in terms of survival: not not-making it.

More that I made my way to the end of it with grace. That I was able to go through the hardest year of my life with presence, and sometimes even with laughter and vitality. I made it through. I crossed the hardest crossings.

I am here. And not just still-standing. Fully here. Appreciative. Even with all that happened.»

yes, this pretty much sums it up ... thanks Lara, soul sister extraordinaire, you know the words in my heart ...

extracted from the following link. please read "Quiet Goodbyes to 2012": http://www.fluentself.com/blog/personal/quiet-goodbyes-to-2012/